Day 29. Year 3.

Today was an emotionally draining day for me.  It started out with Ally coming downstairs crying this morning saying that her throat hurt so bad... to which of course I responded with a trip to urgent care. One negative strep test later (thank goodness!!) and a Chick-Fil-A meal happier, I sent my Ally Belle back to school. Phew. Hmmm... now that I think about it.... was that little girl playing me? She got some good 1:1 mommy time, some snuggles and extra hugs AND Chick-Fil-A... and all it took was a throat swab. Well played Ally. Well played... No, I'm just kidding... I don't normally see my kids crying in the morning...  She needed me and I was there for her. Period.

I called my mom to chat for a few minutes after I dropped Ally off at school... and the minute I heard my mom's voice, I broke down sobbing. I needed her and she was there for me. Period. Sometimes it's so hard to try to be strong. Sometimes it's ok to be weak and sad and frustrated and heartbroken. I feel like we are at a crossroad with Vicki. And I keep asking myself, 'what is best for Vicki?' What does she need? How can I get her what she needs? What path will best lead us? Vicki needs me and I will be there for her. Period.

I am reminded of one of my favorite poems by Robert Frost....

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Lots of other things happened today... some very stressful, others very peaceful... and I am, as always, very thankful. After we put the kids to bed tonight with our I love you, you love me, we're a happy family song, I flopped down across my bed and just let out a big sigh... What a day. The good, the bad and the ugly. I had my phone in my pocket and decided to just get lost for a few minutes in facebook land. I thought I would just do a little friendly stalking, see a few yummy pictures of food, laugh at a few of those rotten egreeting cards (like... never laugh at your wife's choices... you are one of them.), see some cute pictures of my friends' children, long for some of those beautiful sun, sky and sea vacation pictures people post... and just not think for a few minutes. I just wanted to relax and not think about the meetings we had today, or the meetings we have scheduled for tomorrow. I didn't want to think about choices we have to make, fights we have to fight, roads we have to choose.

And in that moment when I started scrolling down my friends posts, I saw it. A post that made me stop in my tracks. A post that made me gasp. A post that made me hug my husband a little tighter, and tip toe back into my kids bedrooms to get a glimpse of their beautiful sleeping faces.

This post... made by a friend of mine who is married to a friend of mine. Friends that I had a lifetime ago... before I had the awesome responsibility of being a mommy. Friends that when I think of them, I think of carefree times, back when we were all young and the world was at our fingertips... we could do anything we wanted to do, be anything we wanted to be. We all met in college. One of the many crossroads in our lives.

Anyway... back to this post. The husband posted on his wife's timeline. "This is _____. ______ died today at 4 pm............. and the post went on. My friend. She was 2 years younger than me. She had beautiful red hair and the kind of smile that just lit up her face and the room she was in. I remember how much spirit she had in her. Anyway... it was just the other night that I saw a picture come up on my news feed that she had posted... a picture of a swollen ankle... for she had broken her hip a few weeks ago and was still laid up, slowly healing from her break. She has 4 young, beautiful children who share that same smile that their mom had. She died suddenly today, and from what I can gather, it was from a pulmonary embolism from complications from her hip fracture. And just like that. A beautiful mother, wife, friend, and human being is gone.

And suddenly, my emotionally draining day seemed very insignificant. I am here tonight. I get to have my husband wrap his arms around me. I get to have my kids roll their eyes at me, whine at me, laugh with me, love with me, and just be with me. What greater gift is there in life?? 

This was not the post I meant to write tonight. But it was the post I needed to write tonight. Contingency plans. Tomorrow morning a husband will be waking up without his wife lying in bed next to him. 4 children will be waking up without their mommy to make them breakfast, to comfort them when their throat hurts, to wipe away their tears and their pains.

I am so lucky. I had the gift of today. And I hope I have the gift of tomorrow... I will be thankful for the gift of life. The gift to attend Vicki's ESY and BIP meetings... The gift to do the mountains of laundry that are piling up. The gift that allows me to tackle my to do lists... and be able to call my mommy and cry to her. The gift that allows me to feel my little ones arms hug me tightly around my neck and whisper I love you mommy... The gift to be standing at a crossroads and be able to choose a path.

 Ally and I read a little from Where the Sidewalks End... today while we were waiting at the doctor's office...
Listen to the MUSTN’TS, child,

Listen to the DON’TS
Listen to the SHOULDN’TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON’TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me—
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.
~Shel Silverstein

Anything can be. I believe that. Vicki shows me that day after day. I believe that anything can be.
I believe in Vicki. And I believe in me.

Rest in peace my dear college friend. In your sudden death you have reminded me about life. And about living. And about being.

xoxo