I don't know what to say tonight.
That's odd.
I always have something to say.
Do you ever plan something out in your head? And think that plan is just FANTASTIC. But then something happens - maybe just one little thing doesn't go exactly like you wanted it to. And then BAM. That's it. The whole plan is sunk. It's not really sunk, but to you it is. And then you just jump ship.Throw that plan right out the window. And then sulk. Because you really wanted things to go EXACTLY as you envisioned them to go. And when they didn't... well then forget it.No? Just me? :) I really must be a control freak. Ha ha. Don't answer that! Anyway... I can't remember why I started talking about this.
Oh yeah. My blog post for tonight. I had this fantastic idea for a post. And then little things changed. I can't access my computer tonight, I am using my husband's. And the stuff I wanted for my post was on my computer. And that irritated me. I almost gave up and threw my blog post for tonight out the window. (But I didn't - So I guess I am proud of myself for that). I am, however, cursing the keyboard constantly as I am typing. The keys are touchy and for some random reason the cursor just places itself wherever it wants in the middle of my sentence. And I didn't go to bed last night until 4:45. And I got up at 6:15. Don't ask why. I'm sure it has something to do with silly plans in my head and checklists that needed to be checked off before we could finish enjoying the kids spring break this week. Blah. Blah. Blah. So, pardon me if I am less coherently putting my thoughts together than usual. :)
Where was I? Oh yeah. My blog post that doesn't seem to be coming together tonight because I can't use my own computer. One little thing. And it really has thrown me off. It makes me think about Vicki. For those of you who read my blog last year, you know we have been struggling with other issues with Vicki beyond the scope of autism. We've got seizures. And we've got PANDAS. And we've got OCD. And we've got behaviors. And we've got hormones. And we've got.... And we've got.... Sometimes I get so focused on the treatment. It's hard not to. Time. Money. Meetings. Doctors. More meetings. More money. More time. More doctors. Sometimes I forget to look at Vicki as a normal human being. I don't want that to sound horrible. I don't mean it horrible. I just mean that I look for reasons, I collect data. I give updates. Antecedent. Behavior. Consequence. Antecedent. Behavior. Consequence. ...
I freak out when I look at some of Vicki's OCD tendencies. Sometimes I freak out because I remember... past experience has told me that when _____ happens with Vicki then I can expect that _____ will follow. Sometimes I think I am just afraid. Afraid of how quickly Vicki can develop a new routine, and sometimes these new routines are not good. Not good at all. And then they are hard to break.
Sometimes It scares me because I don't even realize how rote her behaviors are. I don't even know there is a routine built into a routine in Vicki's mind. Until something disrupts that routine. And then. Uh-oh. Spaghetti-oh. That really sucks.
Let me give you and example. Last year when PANDAS was at it's most frightening and debilitating with Vicki, we struggled to get Vicki to school. It would take hours to get her through her morning routine on her schedule and get her into the school building.. I actually just started shaking thinking about it. And then with these stupid keyboard keys and my lack of sleep. It's not a good combo. :) Anyway... we have painstakingly worked through things over the course of this year. With medication and behavior modification and lots of other things. And it seems to be working. For the moment. I haven't been able to take a shower by myself since late August though because that's part of the modifications we made to get Vicki through some very difficult times... And now, I can't get her to shower by herself. I'll save some thoughts on this for another post. Right now I was just trying to explain that sometimes I looked at the bigger picture. Vicki's need to get to school in a timely manner. So... this year we have been successful with it. Then a few weeks ago as Vicki was getting ready for school.... (on her morning schedule she has mommy, take a shower, car, Joey, school, home, medicine, old medicine {Vicki's word for crushed up medicine in Gerber fruit medley baby food}, calendar, call of the wildman {a TV show Vicki was obsessed with, and now I think she just needs to have it on because it's comforting for her}, then car and Vicki school. It has all been going very well. And then a few weeks ago when I told her to clean up her books because it was time for car and school.... it happened. She was putting her princess books back on the bookshelf. And she couldn't find one of the princess books. And she couldn't move on from it. I guess I don't even pay attention to some of her routines for things.. until something happens. She must put the princess books in order on the shelf. And she kept saying. Belle. Belle. Belle. Belle. Yellow book. And even though it was only about 5 minutes before we found her yellow Belle book, those 5 minutes seemed like 5 hours. And I know deep down that if we wouldn't have found that Belle book, I would not have been able to move her out of the living room and into the car for school. And that scares the shit out of me. Pardon my language.
Anyway. I guess I found something to say today.
That's not odd.
I always find something to say. :)
I'm not sure it made any sense tonight though. I have a lot more to ponder on the this subject .. of routines and OCD. I've been thinking about it a whole lot lately. I will try to tackle it again when I have a solid night's sleep behind me. :) But for now, for tonight, as I was sulking about my ruined blog plans for the night... it's a very interesting parallel for me to draw. Between myself and Vicki. What can make a person be able to get through it? That little change in routine that just throws everything off? What kind of coping mechanisms are needed? How do you break through that brick wall when you hit it with full force? How do you move on from something that you just can't seem to move on from? Well, I think I've hit my brick wall for tonight. I need to move myself on to bed.
Thanks for taking the time to read my incoherent nonsense tonight! xoxo
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