Day 14. Year 3.

Sorry.
I just really needed some sleep.
This weekend was a doozy.  I crashed last night at 10 o'clock.

Anytime one of the kids has a birthday, I feel all nostalgic... I end up digging up a few old pictures and reminiscing about times past. It made me think about how memories are an interesting phenomena... I wonder how accurate my memories are. It's interesting to me how a picture can conjure up so many emotions. And how those emotions can change from year to year.

At each juncture in my life and in my kids lives... I see things differently. I look at how autism has affected my memories as well.

When the kids were young... Joey at age 5, Vicki at age 3, Ally as a newborn... I look back at the pictures... what stands out at me? What emotions come rushing back? Is it the awe and wonder at new life? Discovering all of their new firsts? Experiencing life through the eyes of a child?

Or do I feel all of the stress? And the heartache? And the complete exhaustion?

I guess it changes for me on any given day. And sometimes I think my memories play tricks on me. Am I actually remembering what happened? Or am I remembering what I wanted to happen? Do I think about certain instances and moments that transform who we are and the paths we take with clarity? Or does it ebb and flow and change? Are memories something concrete to hold on to?

I have probably told this story before... but at one point... I think Vicki was 4 or 5... We had an appointment with a pretty well know psychologist. I think he was a psychologist. I can't remember. :)
Anyway... part of the prep work was to put together a compilation of Vicki's first 3 years of her life... in video form, picture form and written form.

I am somewhat of a crazy note taker. I have calendars full of the kids 'firsts' and such... And I remember, at least I think I remember, how difficult it was to draw on my memories of Vicki's first 3 years. And at the time it hadn't been that long ago. There must be aspects of our mind that try to protect us from pain. Because, even though I knew there were things about Vicki that weren't on track and that were different... when I would look back on her calendars, I was hard pressed to find them. I saw her first laughs and her first smiles and the first steps she took. I didn't see the isolation, the withdrawal, the tantrums, the lack of interaction. I dug through video after video after video. I did find a few things, but on the whole... I found smiling, happy faces.

If you think about it. Bad things happen all of the time. But in the middle of a tantrum, my first reaction was not to reach for the video camera. I was just trying to get through the tantrum the best that I could. I didn't want to remember it. So if you don't video it, or take pictures of it or write about it, then it didn't happen, right?

When I look at a picture, what is the first thing that I feel when I transport myself back to that place and time? As much as I can remember the sadness or the hurt or the sheer desperation of an experience... I find myself pushing that down and remembering the love. A coping mechanism I guess. Was that vacation as idealistic as I remember now? Probably not. If I try really hard I can remember how stressful it was, how anguished I felt. How hopeless things may have seemed at any given instant.

I guess our lives are made up of many different snapshots. The good, the bad, the ugly. The happy, the sad, the excitement, the despair. It all makes us what and who we are today. It's just interesting to me how I choose to remember it and how I choose to remember autism. It's odd to me, sometimes I can look at a picture and all I see is autism. Other times I look at a picture and autism is not there. Vicki is always there though. And that's what I have to remember.

xoxo