Do you want to hear something kinda sad? For those of you who read my post last night... I wrote, in a nutshell, about not taking moments for granted. And not telling my kids, 'later', 'give me a minute' 'hold on a second'. And you know what? This morning I was in my just woke up sleepy mode. I grabbed my coffee, sat in my comfy office chair, and turned on my computer. And Ally came in and, for goodness sakes, she can just wake up from sleep and be hopping around, talking a mile a minute. And she asked me to do something... and I hear myself say, 'hold on a second, Ally. Can you just give me 5 minutes this morning?' Did I not learn anything from my post last night?? Anyway... maybe I did, because I put my coffee down and 20 minutes later, whatever it was Ally wanted us to do, we had done, I think I may have slept through it... but it mattered to Ally that I did it. So maybe I did learn something after all...?
We went to a birthday party today; It was a beautiful spring afternoon for an outdoor party. I always worry about functions. No matter what type of function it is. If it's something out of the ordinary, I worry. If it's something with crowds, I worry. If it's something outside, I worry. If it's ..... well, you get the picture. I tend to worry.
This kind of goes back to my post last night too.... about being afraid. About making excuses. About knowing what could happen, and have an arsenal of things to draw from that have happened....
So, when I was putting Vicki's schedule together for today, I thought about that. And it's terrible of me. Because sometimes I think, 'Vicki won't miss (insert activity here) because she didn't even realize that it was a possibility for us to do. She doesn't know what's she's missing or not missing.' I could really use that 2 hours today to get some laundry done and get our taxes ready. I don't know what to expect from Vicki today. I know I am tired and worn out from spring break. Vicki would probably be happy just chilling out today. Just put a movie on, give her some cookbooks, and let today just ride out. But I knew I didn't want to do that. I want some moments. And I wanted to enjoy some moments today.
So, I put car, birthday party, dinner, and cake on Vicki's schedule today. I went in Vicki's room to wake her up, she usually asks for her schedule and then I lay down beside her and we look at it together. And when I did... she just started crying. And it made me really sad. :( I thought... maybe I shouldn't have added things to her day today. (Vicki likes to go through her outline of the next day's activities the night before. So after midnight last night when we got home from our trip and Vicki laid down to go to bed, she told me a little mock up of her Sunday.) And I had forgotten about the birthday party... so we didn't talk about it. Then this morning... I put those few different things on her schedule, and when she started crying... it made me sad. But of course, I don't know why she was crying... Anyway... we talked about her schedule for the day, which usually makes her happy. She likes to choose the movie she wants to watch, and talk about what kind of food she wants to eat for the day. She asked for 'Wreck It, Ralph' for the movie. And I told her 'something different' because we had just gotten Wreck It, Ralph on DVD a few weeks ago and we have watched it way too many times, I didn't want it to become an obsession, which it seemed to be becoming... And when I told her 'something different' she started crying again. And she just said, 'Wreck It, Ralph' in such a tear induced state, it made me even sadder. We talked about different movies that she might want to watch today, but she kept going back to 'Wreck It, Ralph'. And I started thinking. Ally loves to watch that movie now. Joey is into that movie now. They all like to watch it. So, why not allow it again?
I really hate trying to figure out what to do, with something as simple as a movie choice. I know it seems silly. Why spend so much time thinking about what movie she chooses to watch? But like I'm sure I've said before... it's so hard to figure things out. Where do I draw the line? We have little laminated 2x2 squares of every movie we have that Vicki watches. We keep them in a 3 ring binder on Velcro pages. We have a sheet that has a movie choice on it. There are 6 squares. And for a while, I was using that. I would put 'movie choice' on her schedule and then Vicki would choose from a list of 6 movies. That way, we were constantly rotating through movies and she wouldn't get stuck on just one and become obsessed with it. Then we stopped using that. Because Vicki suddenly stopped wanting to watch movies. And when she decided she wanted to watch movies again, she seemed to be doing a good job of rotating them herself without the picture choice board. I'm sure I need to bring that back again... because she has been getting stuck on movies again lately. And sometimes I don't even realize when something is becoming an obsession again.
But today. You know... I keep thinking about things... I am afraid to introduce new things sometimes because Vicki adopts new routines so quickly. She remembers everything. Things that she did 2 years ago that I had completely forgotten about that she wants to do on the same day 2 years later. If we do something spontaneous, because I want to reward the kids for something good, or if I am just too lazy to cook a meal because of after school schedules, I have to stop and think. Do I really want to do this? How hard will it be to break this? Is it even worth it? It's the little things... that become big things... that become obsessions... that turn into behaviors.... that cause tantrums.... that make life extremely difficult.
So this morning... these are the types of things I think of as I hash out whether to say yes to Wreck It, Ralph again or not. I probably shouldn't. Behaviorally I know what will happen. But today, Vicki's tears got the better of me. Why can't she be consoled by something familiar that makes her happy? So, instead of saying, 'something different' for her movie choice again, I said, 'ok Vicki. Wreck It, Ralph' And I think, oh crap, I am sure I am messing up. But sometimes, you know what... I just want to make my child happy.
Gosh, where was I going with this today???
Vicki got out of bed and we got a shower. We moved on through the day. We got to the car and birthday party and I said a little prayer to myself... and took along my lucky charm husband, just in case, and one of Vicki's aides. There was a nice breeze. The sun was warm. Vicki enjoyed a hamburger, a hot dog, kiwi, watermelon, and strawberries with a cheesecake spread on them. And a yummy blue velvet cupcake that made her tongue blue. She said happy birthday to the birthday girl and got 2 hugs from friends. And laughed and smiled and wanted to swing high on the swings. Ally made a new friend at the playground. Joey and Daddy played a little football. And I thought to myself... No. The laundry did not get done. The taxes did not get organized. I barely unpacked. But, guess what? We made some moments today. And hopefully, we will make some more moments tomorrow. And hopefully I will get some laundry done or we will be making those moments naked. :) The evening ended with a happy Vicki watching Wreck It, Ralph. There is no one I would rather be than me. (A great quote from Wreck It, Ralph. ) Maybe that's what Vicki was trying to tell me this morning when she was crying. There is no one I would rather you be either Vicki. xoxo
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