Vicki may not speak a large volume of words, but the words she chooses to speak, speak volumes to me.
Joe. Joe, please. Joe.
Like I've said before, we do so many things together as a family. A family of 5. Daddy. Mommy. Joey. Vicki. and Ally. Our little family. When we don't have organized kids activities on the weekends, we tend to jump in the van, the 5 of us. And just drive. As scheduled as we have to be, our weekends allow us to be a little bit more.... flexible and as 'spur of the moment' as we get. I'll put generic visuals on Vicki's schedule... and as long as 'restaurant' is one of them, she's usually a happy camper. :) Vicki loves going for rides in the car. So do I. Sometimes our weekend afternoons read like this: Car. Walk. Store. Special Activity. Restaurant. Home. This gives us a little built-in wiggle room. When we have no real plans, those are sometimes the best plans of all. We discover new little mountain roads, the kind that when you crest a little hill, you leave your stomach behind you. The kids giggle and yell, 'no hands daddy.' . I stick my head out the window so I don't get sick. It's so much fun. :) No, seriously, it is. We'll discover new parks, new hikes, new antique stores, new wineries. (As long as the wineries have oyster crackers and apple juice, we are good to go!) Those are the kinds of days I live for. The moments that we make together as a family. Does it all go perfectly? Nope. Is there whining? Yep. Usually from all 3 at some point. Is it worth it at the end of the day? Absolutely! And since my husband is at the helm... my stress level and fear factor go down exponentially.
Back to my story. Like I said, Joey was not home this weekend. He went camping with the Boy Scouts. I love when these opportunities arise for him. And more and more of his weekends are spent like this. Growing up. So the 5 of us become 4. (sniff, sniff, sniff... It gives me just a little sampling of what growing up means... and I don't like it, I don't like it one bit. I wish my babies could be my babies forever on one hand... but on the other hand, I am filled with such pride and love for the young man {and young ladies} that my kids are growing into.) And on the other hand... wait... I guess I used both my hands, I can't have any more feelings... :) Wish it were that easy.
We had an open afternoon. So we did what we love to do. Put on Vicki's schedule: Car. Walk. Store. Special Activity. Restaurant. Home. And we began our afternoon. But this time there were only 4. Daddy. Mommy. Vicki. And Ally. And we all noticed. It's so different when one person is missing. The dynamics change. That person leaves a hole. :( And Vicki notices. We parked at the mall so we could get the tires rotated at Costco. As we were getting out of the van, it began. Joe. Joe, please. Joe. And Vicki has this almost panicked look on her face. We tell her that Joey is at Boy Scouts and he'll be home 'tomorrow'. Tomorrow. She repeats. And gets out of the van. After the mall and Costco's we head to another store. And it's the same thing. Joe. Joe, please. Joe. We tell her that Joey is at Boy Scouts and he'll be home 'tomorrow'. Tomorrow. She repeats. And gets out of the van. We stop at Chili's for dinner. One of Vicki's favorite restaurants. She had asked for pepper the night before, so we knew that's where she wanted to eat. Just as an aside, we love Chili's. Chili's has a great kids menu and their menu has pictures of each item along with the word. Bravo Chili's. Bravo. And Vicki loves their corn on the cobb on a stick. She thinks it's the most fantastic thing ever. :) We pull into Chili's parking lot. And yep, you guessed it. Joe. Joe, please. Joe. We tell her that Joey is at Boy Scouts and he'll be home 'tomorrow'. Tomorrow. She repeats. And gets out of the van. When we get home and it's time for bed, yep, you guessed it again. Our little bedtime routine usually consists of the 5 of us gathering in Vicki's room. We do a corny little group hug and sing, I love you. You love me. We're a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won't you say you love me too. I love you. I love you. I love you. Before we start the song, Vicki looks around. Joe. Joe, please. Joe. We tell her that Joey is at Boy Scouts and he'll be home 'tomorrow'. Tomorrow. She repeats. And we sing our song.
I really don't want to break down and cry right now. So, I am not going to be as detailed as my mind currently is.... There are weekends like these, where Joey is not home. It's so good for Joey, I know this. It really is. It can't be the 5 of us forever, wish as I may sometimes. A few months ago there was a Saturday evening where Joey was on a camping trip and Ally was at a birthday party or something. And suddenly the 5 of us became 3. Daddy. Mommy. And Vicki. I actually have a lump in my throat just typing those words. Daddy. Mommy. And Vicki. I know that Joey and Ally will grow up. I know that they are creating lives of their own. I know that I need to let them. I'm pretty sure this is one of the hardest parts of parenting... and it gives me a glimpse into the suddenly not so distant future. And I am scared. And I am proud. And I am sad. And I am happy.
And I think of Vicki. And my heart feels like it is being wrung out. Daddy. Mommy. And Vicki. What will happen??? She loves her brother and sister so so so much. She needs them so much. What does Vicki feel when she is sitting on the couch, looking around for them? What will it be like someday? When they are not there? I know Joey and Ally have to grow up. They have that right. And Vicki will grow up. Daddy. Mommy. And Vicki. There will always be Daddy. Mommy. And Vicki. Someday there will be 3 with occasional visits from the other 2. What will happen when I can't say they will be home tomorrow??
I have so much more to say on this subject, but my heart just won't open up to allow me to write anymore. For right now, I am just thankful that tomorrow is today.
xoxo
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