Have you seen the meme that's been circulating lately on the interweb? ;) (I think that's what it's called... isn't a meme one of those funny picture sayings with the colorful backgrounds that sometimes make you laugh out loud at the computer when no one else is around?)
Men: If you ever want to know what a woman's brain feels like, imagine a browser with 2,857 tabs open. All. The. Time.
That's kinda what I feel like tonight. I just keep opening new tabs up in my head... I need to do this... I have to finish that... then I become overloaded, and I'm pretty sure this computer is about ready to crash. It's been a long emotional week so far, and it's far from over...
I don't know what to talk about tonight. I might just be all talked out. Eh, my husband would beg to differ on that comment. I had to stop and fill up our van's gas tank today for our ' doctor date' tomorrow with Vicki's PANDAs doctor. And as I was filling up the tank, I kept thinking about how I need to fill up my tank, because I feel like I've been pretty much running on empty. Analyzing autism is exhausting.
I've been thinking about that a lot this week. With Vicki's behavioral decline over the past few days... I feel frustrated. I feel scared. I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel exhausted. I feel. I feel.
And the worst part, always the worst part...is that I don't know how Vicki feels. :(
What I do know is that it's hard to be 'on' all of the time. Do you ever just watch other parents, other moms, who when they talk to their kids... you think, are they always 'on' like this? Do you know what I mean? They always seem to have just the right thing to say to their kids... just the right thing to do for their kids... They always seem so put together, and just so 'on'. They seriously must have read every parenting magazine from front to back, heck, they probably wrote some parenting books in their spare time. I bet they got up at 5 am, went for a run and then did some yoga, had their kids all finish their chores before they went to school, had their healthy lunches packed the night before, went out and worked a 10 hour shift at their full time job, came home, found time to make a yummy sit down dinner straight from the pages of pinterest, got their kids to all of their activities, helped with homework, put the kids to bed by 8, and spent the evening with their husband drinking wine and finishing up their homework for their class they are taking to get that second masters degree. In my head that's what every other mother's day looks like.
I feel inadequate. And using autism as my excuse only gets me so far.
Hmmm.... I didn't mean to post about all of this tonight. I just heard Gavin Degraw's Sweeter a little bit ago... maybe that's why this particular tab opened in my mind. ;)
I just wanna take
Someone else's holiday
Sometimes the grass is greener
And someone else's sugar
Someone else's sugar
Sweeter
Anyway... I started talking about being 'on' all the time. I was thinking about that this morning as Vicki and I were hunting for a cherry granola bar for her to eat for breakfast. And again that fear creeps up inside of me. Seriously, fear materializes because I am not sure there are anymore cherry granola bars? Yep. Would today be the day a cherry granola bar would make or break our day? I found one. Phew. I will defer this until tomorrow...
You would think that by now I would have a good understanding of behaviors... and how to analyze them. I took some classes a few years ago so I could understand. I got all A's. That means I know it, right? But you know yourself, applying something is so much harder than just knowing what you should do. Nothing is ever black and white. There are always 50 shades of gray. Damn. And now I opened tab #2858. ;)
But seriously... literally in EVERY single interaction I have with Vicki, I am nagged by the little voice in my head... I am constantly second guessing my decisions. ABC. Easy as 123. Antecedent. Behavior. Consequence. Easy as 123. No. Not really for me. I think... crap... should I have picked this battle? should I have responded in that way? Did I just create another obsession for Vicki? If I do this one, will it become a 'have to' for Vicki to do all the time? Should I take away this magazine because it is looking really ratty and torn up? If I take it away, will Vicki notice? Of course she will. Do I want to fight that battle today? I don't know. It's every. little. thing. I didn't read about this in my book.
I'm probably not making any sense tonight... my computer screen is starting to freeze. Gosh I am so funny sometimes with my analogies. :)
Let me leave you with a sweet anecdote from Vicki tonight. She was playing Barbies. And that in itself is a big Yay!! She was looking at her one Barbie and I hear her say. Barbie. Doctor. Boo. Boo. So I looked at her Barbie doll and it seriously looked like Barbie's hand had some dry skin or sunburn... some of the plastic was peeling off. I picked a little bit of it off and then I got one of those tiny circle band-aides out and put it on Barbie's hand. I gave it back to Vicki and she smiled that cute little Vicki smile that I just adore. And suddenly all of my inadequacies fade away. I fixed Barbie. And Vicki was happy.
If only I could put a band-aide on autism for Vicki. How I wish I could sweet girl.
Oh, ps.. I'm not a sugar kind of girl. I, myself, like equal. Thanks for listening. xoxo
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