Well... I am finally back home, sitting in my comfy office chair, yelling at my slow computer, and drinking some yummy instant coffee. Normal things really are comforting. There is nothing like sitting down with your favorite coffee cup and enjoying some quiet time alone with just the hum of the computer fan when everyone is sleeping.
But, as always, after a beautiful few days away from the world, it's a little hard to come back to reality, and it's a little sad too. It's the post-vacation letdown. Sigh.... All of the things we got away from for a few days are staring me in the face again. Stacks of papers to deal with, lots of meetings to prepare for, research to do for some equipment Vicki could benefit from, and arggg... taxes to do, laundry to catch up on, unpacking, birthday parties to plan, first communion for Ally to prepare for. Oh wow. This is too much for my sleepy, post-vacation brain to handle. I think I'll just drink my coffee, finish this post, and go to sleep. There is always tomorrow.
Hopefully there will be tomorrow. And I can start tackling some more of my to-do lists. ;) And after the other day's post, I will make sure I add some I-did-it lists as well, for me and Vicki and the other kiddos too! I'm feeling a little, I don't know, tonight... On our spring break travels we drove past the Newtown/Sandy Hook exit. And it just made me pause and think and say a little prayer. A little prayer for my little family and for those families that lost so much back in December, and families that lose so much everyday. And it makes me think how glad I am that we took the kiddos away for a few days, put down our to-do lists and made some memories instead. It's so hard as an adult to do that. There is always so much we need to do, should do, feel responsible for doing. And at the end of the day.... well... did we hug our children enough? Did we listen enough? Did we tell them how much we love them? Did we show them how much we love them?
I know for me it's so easy to make excuses. I have excuses for everything. I am a champion excuser. I find myself responding to things my kids say with , 'later'. 'Give me a minute.' 'hold on a second.' And then when I look back on the day, I realize that later never came, a minute turned into an hour, and the kids are still holding on.
I don't want my kids or my life to give me a minute. I want to take that minute and just do it. Hey. Nike got it right. And at 38 years old, maybe I am just now starting to understand.
I know this post was a random one, but I've been thinking about these things a lot, and today really drove it home for me. Hey, we did drive home! Both figuratively and literally! :) I just want to add one thing tonight though. I also don't want autism to be my excuse. And believe me, it's an easy one to use. 'We can't come. It's too hard for Vicki.' 'No, we didn't make it to church, Vicki just couldn't handle it today.' I'm not saying that it might not be true. Maybe Vicki is having a really hard day. And maybe Vicki can't really handle it. But, maybe, just maybe, it's me having a really hard day. And maybe I can't really handle it. And maybe I am just scared. Or tired. Or just exhausted from trying to plan it all out to go smooth. And autism is a good out for me.
Another way that I look at things.... autism will NOT take making memories away from us. It will NOT prevent us from doing things as a family! I will NOT allow it to stop us from living. Vicki isn't stopping us. Vicki makes living so much more. So much more alive. So much more entertaining. Just So. Much. More.
So, on that note, I will continue this jumble of thoughts tomorrow. Hopefully. xoxo Good night!
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