Day 26. Year 3.

Mornin'.... I did it again... that sleep thing. :)  Again... my apologies for a late post (especially to those who, during the month of April, make reading my blog part of their daily routine... you know how much I thrive on routines... and I hate messing one up!)  I have to warn you... I feel like this post will be all over the place, I will try to reel my thoughts in, but already I've used way too many of these .... ..... ha ha!

I kinda feel like talking about mom guilt this morning, all the while mixing in a little bit of grief as well. Everybody, at some part of their life, has probably experienced a healthy dose of both. I know I have. And it hits me at the oddest times. It can come in gentle waves lapping at the shoreline and it can come in massive typhoons.

Let me give you an example. I was outside quite a bit yesterday doing some yard work and when I woke up a little bit ago the first thing I did was walk over to the kleenex box in the kitchen (ok, that was technically the 3rd thing I did... after peeing and making a cup of coffee). Anyway, as I was getting a kleenex out I glances over at the kids' soccer team pictures that they just got back last week. You know those little cardboard collages... one with the team picture on it and one with an individual picture... always with the kids smiling painfully and squinting because they have to look into the sun. I glance quickly at Joey's and Ally's pictures and then it hits me... the typhoon of mom guilt and grief all at once... I hate, hate, hate that there are only 2 sets of soccer pictures up. I have 3 kids. And only 2 sets of pictures. Well, at least I am already by the kleenex box and my eyes are already puffy from allergies... this little cry won't cause too much more damage.

I feel so guilty sometimes.... guilty because Vicki hasn't gotten to experience the fun of squinting into the sun to smile with her soccer team. I try, like every parent does, to treat my kids equally... you know... count the number of presents that each one has under the tree at Christmas... treat them all equally special on their birthdays... spend equal amounts of money on them for activities and for gifts. Spend equal amounts of 'quality' time with them.... Ha. You know yourself, that's just about impossible to do... I mean even just from the basic standpoint of ... Joey likes video games... Ally likes crafty things.. Which is more expensive? A new xbox game or a set of twist up crayons and a new journal. I don't want them to think I love one more than the others... It's such a fine line to walk. And there is always some guilt associated with decisions we make.

And with Vicki... there is so much guilt. I know she can't participate on a traditional recreational soccer team. I know she can't. But, man, is the guilt there this morning as I look at those 2 sets of pictures. I never want to say, 'I know she can't do it'... Because what does that say about me? I don't believe enough in my daughter? I don't have enough confidence in her? Because when I stop believing... and I stop trying... .then who will??  How do I know? How do I really know? Vicki can't tell me the activities she wants to participate in. Well... that's not true, technically. I know for a fact she loves her adaptive dance class. I know for a fact she loves cooking. I know this because there are moments, moments where I see that big, beautiful smile of Vicki's. I know that because I see that twinkle in her eyes. I know that because I see the knee slap squeal she does. I know that because she is with me.

We've had Vicki involved in special olympics in the past... So far we've tried special olympics swimming, track and field, and cheerleading. They have a soccer program, but we've never tried it yet. But over the past year or so, we've pulled back from some of those activities... Why? There are so many reasons... And I feel guilty for so many of those reasons too.... I know there was a time when she just couldn't participate. Because we couldn't even get her out of the shower in the mornings. That's improved now. So what's keeping me from doing some of these activities? I'm going to say fear, that damn fear again. It is like a big elephant in the room. That's definitely a motivator, or non-motivator for me. And also... I can just tell sometimes... Vicki gives me some clues... some body language clues that tells me she doesn't want to do something. She holds her ears. She withdraws. She scrunches up her shoulders and caves in on herself. She yells. She squeals. (And not in the good, happy squeal way). She fights us. She doesn't want to get up and participate. She sits down and won't move. It's hard. It's hard because sometimes I want her to so bad, because I've seen that moment on her face... that moment of pride in herself. That moment a few years ago when she ran her first 50 meter dash... my husband on one end and our aide on the other end of the race waiting with open arms for Vicki. Me and Joey and Ally in the stands cheering her on. Gosh, that was a hell of a moment. I remember it now. I have tears in my eyes now. That's why we try things. For that moment.

So, why not now? If I'm being completely honest, sometimes it's just easier. It's just easier not to try. After everything our family has been through in the past year, it's just easier not to try it. Because Vicki doesn't know, right? She doesn't know what she is missing... Does she? She never asks to do something. Of course, she doesn't. So I shouldn't feel guilty, right? But I do. But then, on the flip side, I would feel guilt over Joey and Ally as well. They deserve something normal. And easy. And logistically... you know as a parent, it's never easy. 2 different soccer teams, 2 sets of practices during the week, 2 sets of games on a Saturday morning... 2 different places, usually one game on one side of the county, the other on the other side... So my husband goes one way with one kid and I go the other way with the other kid. Where does that leave Vicki? Home with an aide? Working? Logistically, right now... it is impossible for us to go to 3 separate things at the same time. We need my husband there with Vicki and her aide.. She would not be able to get through a soccer practice without at least my husband and her aide... and having 3 people there would be even better. And right now... it would be torture for Vicki and for all of us to sit through a soccer practice... We will sometimes kick the soccer ball around with Vicki. She'll maybe kick it twice before she's done. And after that minute, she is done. And she will not do any more... And what would happen to Joey and Ally if we all had to go to a soccer practice that Vicki probably wouldn't participate in for more than a minute? Would they have to miss their soccer games? Would they not have anyone to cheer them on from the sidelines?  I would feel guilty about that too...

I've always prided myself that we do things as a family. The 5 of us. And sometimes the 6 of us, depending if we have an aide along or not. And we try to find a balance. Some early morning soccer games we do let Vicki stay home with her aide and work. Because she is happy. And content. And other Saturday mornings we will all go to the kids soccer games, spread out a blanket and bring a princess coloring book for Vicki. And I'll prompt Vicki to yell, Go Ally! Go Joey! And she does.

Guilt and grief. They go hand in hand. Some days I can't feel one without the other. Guilt over not trying. Grief over not succeeding.

Well, today is an amazingly beautiful Saturday morning. I will tuck both guilt and grief into my pocket for the day and just try to enjoy it. And it's funny with all of the soccer talk today.. we don't have any soccer games to go to today. Joey is on a camping trip with the boy scouts, he left last night and won't be home until tomorrow... And Ally has first communion practice today, she had a soccer game during the week and doesn't have one today. No soccer today. Our afternoon is wide open after first communion practice... what will we do? What will we do? Something that hopefully won't make me feel guilty or grief-stricken... and something that will make that twinkle appear in Vicki's eyes. Yes, I live for that twinkle. And I will do everything in my mom power to put it there.

xoxo