You know the sound a child makes when they are coming down the stairs? The pitter-patter of their feet hitting the stairs? Thump, thump. Thump, thump, thump. Thump. Thump. Some mornings I love hearing that. Other mornings not so much... I think it totally depends on the time of the morning that I hear that pitter-patter and, of course, my mood. Some mornings the pitter-patter is slow and deliberate, like when they have to go to school... other times it's quick and playful, like on Christmas morning or their birthday... But, no matter what the occasion is, no matter what my mood is no matter what time it is... that sound is comforting to me. It's familiar. It's a new day, full of possibilities with my little loves... But yesterday morning (and my pronoun implies, that I did indeed go to sleep early again last night... sorry for the late blog post again!) the sound coming down the stairs frightened me. It didn't sound like the normal pitter-patter of my kiddos little feet. It was more like thump. thump. Thud, th th th thud, thud. Crash. And I went running. My heart was racing and I was freaking out. Ally. Ally. Are you ok? As I was running to the stairs I was holding my breath for the crying to begin. And I was holding my breath for no crying. My hands were shaking. It sounded so bad. I got to the stairs and I see Ally slowly walking down the stairs, sleepily holding onto the banister with her mickey mouse blanket draped around her. Just like every other school morning. I swept her up in my arms and hugged her and hugged her. My hands were still shaking. Are you ok Ally? Yeah, why, what's wrong Mommy? Nothing, I said. It was the oddest thing. Both myself and Joey heard the thudding on the stairs and he came running too. And she was fine. Thank goodness. I still can not figure out what happened... was there something on the stairs (sometimes we'll put things on the stairs to take up or down the stairs) that fell down and made that horrible thumping sound? Was she sleeping walking down the stairs and missed a few steps and just got up and kept going? I have no idea. It was the strangest thing. I am thankful that I didn't find her in a little heap at the bottom of the stairs... we've had our share of missing a step or two and taking a few little tumbles... and the older we all get, the harder the fall gets...
This 5 second non-event shaped my day yesterday. And made me think about what could have happened... And that made me start thinking about things I think of every once in a while then push to the back of my mind. Things that I should think about and plan for but am afraid to do so... contingency plans. We all should have them and make them.... what would we do if? What would happen if? Prepare for the unexpected. And so often I don't want to think about the unexpected because it frightens me. And there is that feeling of indestructibility. Nothing will ever happen. That wouldn't happen to me... we're all good.
But freak accidents do happen. Bumps in the road do occur. Things don't always go as planned. You would think that as much as I have to plan the day for Vicki... I would be quite the good planner. I'm not, though... Things happen and sometimes they blindside me. From the smallest of things (I am out of the spray we use for Vicki after her shower, now what?? Can we get through the day? Will she be able to finish getting dressed?) to larger things (what would I have done if Ally had fallen down the stairs?? If I had to take her to the doctor immediately? What would I have done? Vicki was still asleep in bed, she would have been expecting me to come in with her schedule and start the day like she normally does... get a shower, go to school... etc... She would not be expecting me to yank her out of bed and throw her in the car and go to the hospital... And it's these things... what would my plan be? Who could I call that could just drop everything and come over? Our family is 5 hours away. The aides that I have for Vicki live 25 minutes away. And what could anyone have done if they did come over? Vicki hasn't been able to get ready for anyone else but me in the mornings for months and months now. Her diaper would probably be soaked... Would anyone actually be able to help? Would I have been able to get Vicki in the van myself carrying a hurt Ally?) It's the unexpected bumps that I feel like I am totally unprepared for.
I start thinking about bumps in the road... and my mind wanders to more complex scenarios... Places that you don't want your mind to wander to... What would happen if I was in a car accident with the kids? I have in my ICE contact on my phone some notes about Vicki. I also have other things printed out in the van... I know these are somewhat morbid thoughts... things that just couldn't happen... right? But what would happen if rescue workers came upon Vicki and I couldn't tell them anything?
I know I've said before that Vicki has Project Lifesaver... a band around her ankle that she wears 24/7 that emits a specific frequency if she would ever wander or get lost... She's worn it on her ankle since she was 4 years old... right after the incident that I will never, ever, forget in my entire life... that has shaped so much of who I am right now... the day that Vicki did wander away and the police had to look for her. I still shake to this day with the emotions, so raw still after all these years. That kind of fear just grips hold of you, and I have never been able to shake it off completely. I check Vicki's ankle bracelet every morning with the battery tester. And last Friday the red light didn't blink like it was supposed to. That little red light that gives me a bit of peace of mind... didn't blink. I was a nervous wreck all day... even though Vicki was in front of my eyes all day (since we were at the doctor's that day anyway)... I was still nervous. I called the police department like I was instructed to and they came out when we got home and changed her battery. Here, it seems that the device rusted out from the inside and ruined the whole transmitter... We had to get a whole new device... they think the battery might have leaked or the waterproof ring didn't work... We've had little troubles here and there with this device... where the battery stops working before the 30 days... or the signal isn't very strong. And it worries me... What if? What if? What if something happens and this peace of mind back-up that I have fails when I need it the most?
And then, of course, my mind wanders to the ultimate bump in the road... what if something happened to myself or my husband? I never want to think of that... but it's irresponsible for me not to plan something... What would happen if something happened? What would happen to Vicki? (and to Joey and to Ally?) I don't think I am the only one in the world equipped to take care of Vicki. But then again, yes, I do. I can not die. We all die someday. But, me, I need to be indestructible for Vicki. That's not the best contingency plan. I know that. And me thinking that Ally had fallen down the stairs when she actually didn't forced me to think about contingency plans. What is Vicki's Autism Action Plan? With as much planning as I do, I can't answer that question. And that worries me.
Well... I need to go and listen for that pitter patter on the stairs... And pray that all goes well today... and hope that Vicki has a better day at school... I just need to get through this day.
Sorry about the heavy subject matter today... it's just been on my mind. I can't leave you with that... let me leave you with this... We watched Ice Age 4 the other day... and there's a song in it... We are. We are. Fam-i-ly. We are. We are. Fam-i-ly. Vicki was singing it. She really loves that song... And at the end of the song, I think it's the crazy aunt or grandma that sings... We are. We are. Ham-and-Cheese. And Vicki doubles over with giggles when she says that. Vicki was singing it at bedtime and when she sang the ham and cheese part, that slow little Vicki smile started spreading across her face and she thought she was hilarious. So did I . :)
xoxo
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