I didn't forget. I really didn't. But I did have to go back and re-read my last post on here... I tend to come back to writing when "big" events happen. The last time I wrote, it was Vicki's dance recital and elementary school graduation. Today it was Vicki's first day of ESY (extended school year) and it was transitional, she went to her new middle school! After 9 years at her elementary school, my sweet little girl is growing up.
It's very interesting to me. I have to give myself credit for one thing... I am consistent with my feelings. I was thinking about her transition to the middle school today and how stressed I was. Then I looked back at my last post... and the same feelings are there. I think, in general, big events, new things, make people nervous. Butterflies are a normal part of taking risks. Vicki is scared of butterflies. The real ones. She had a butterfly land on her a long time ago and she is really not into flying insects of any type. Especially after last year's locust fiasco. Anyway... Vicki doesn't like real butterflies... I wonder if she ever gets fluttery little butterflies in her tummy? I wonder what she thinks the night before the first day of school? We talk about it with her visual schedule...I wonder if she thinks about it? Gosh I wish I knew what she thinks.
Anyway... YES. Vicki always surprises me. ALWAYS. I think that some people think I'm crazy when I stress over things with Vicki. I always get... she'll surprise you, she'll be fine. And I hope and pray deep down in my heart that they are right. And... drum roll... Vicki was fine going to her new school and meeting her new teacher. She was more than fine. She was spectacular. Amazing. Unbelievable. I couldn't have been more proud of my sweet girl.
So, why was I so worried that I couldn't sleep? And was feeling sick? And ran through a thousand different things that could happen or could go wrong? I know you can't prepare for everything. And I understand that. But I will try. Why? I am not trying to set my sweet Vicki up for failure... I am always trying to set her up for success. But Autism has changed me. Changed me so much that I don't even recognize myself sometimes. Why do I anticipate a catastrophe? Because they sneak up on me when I am not expecting them. They blindside me.. They confuse me. They have me so scared and afraid that I never take Vicki anywhere by myself anymore. I plan. I plan so much it is ridiculous. No one should have to plan every single step you take to get to the library. I do. I plan it with such careful consideration you would think I was diffusing a bomb. And sometimes I am. I haven't written about some of the difficulties lately... I haven't wanted to. But if you knew the depth of despair that I see in Vicki's eyes sometimes... or how much I cry, or she cries, or how it took 2.5 hours to get out of the van one day. Or how Vicki sat on the kitchen floor for 8 hours one day because of some behavioral issues. Then maybe you wouldn't think I'm crazy for worrying so much. Or trying to plan so much. I just want Vicki to be happy. BUT... sorry I am way off topic.... I am CELEBRATING today!
I feel like Vicki is running a race sometimes. Like she's a hurdler. She started a new race today in her new school and she came out strong. She sailed over the first few hurdles. Didn't even touch them. She was so happy. Like... Vicki happy. The happy that I haven't seen in many months. The happy that reaches her eyes and makes her giggle with her own personal jokes. They happy that touches her lips and makes her skip. She is such a fighter. She inspires me day in and day out. Whatever hurdle she faces, she faces head on. Some days she stumbles, and some days she flat out knocks them over. All I pray is that I am there for her to offer her a hand and pick her back up and brush her off. But right now. This minute. She is kicking some ass in her race. And I couldn't be prouder of her. I will take today and cherish it. Go Vicki go!!! Thank you for cheering her on with me. I love you all. xoxo
