Day 2. Year 3.

Ahhh... I made it! Notice the time stamp on my April 1 blog entry. 11:59. Yeah, that's right! :)  I apologize for the post about nothing. We were actually in PA visiting family over the holiday and just got back in town tonight. At 10:25pm. We unloaded the van, Vicki had to have peach pie for dessert, because she had dessert on her schedule and she had been staring at the peach pie the whole drive home. So, she had some pie and she took her medicine. We all got our pj's on and the kids really, really, really, wanted to find their Easter Baskets that the bunny hid while we were away. So after finding baskets, and eating a piece of chocolate or two... (please don't judge! ;)  This REALLY isn't the norm. REALLY!) I got to log onto the computer at 11:40pm. Phew.

So, now I have a little bit more time to play with! Well, technically today is "World Autism Day". Light it up blue for autism awareness. Are you ready for a little irony? Guess what my post is about today? Yup. Feeling Blue.

I've know autism for 11 years now. And when I think about it, it's odd... Usually the longer you know a person, the more you get to know them. The more you understand them. The more you 'get' them. It's just the opposite for me with autism. I feel like I know less about autism today than I did a few years ago. I feel like I understand less about autism that I did a few years ago. I feel like I  don't 'get' autism at all. BUT... I do know my Vicki. Well. Kind of.

I know that she's 5'4" tall now. (1/4" taller than her momma!). I know that she has the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever looked into and when she makes eye contact with me, really makes eye contact, it give me goose bumps.  Her lashes curl around her big round eyes and when I  (rarely) get the pleasure of watching her sleep, they flutter on the top of her cheeks like little butterfly wings. I know that Vicki has the most beautiful curly hair I have ever seen. The curls just jump and skip and laugh right along with Vicki. I know that there is nothing sweeter than hearing Vicki hum a song and sing a few lines. I know that I have never seen another person enjoy life with as much zest and freshness and pureness as Vicki does. I could go on and on about what I know about Vicki. And I will for the next 29 days. :) 

But today I wanted to talk to you about feeling blue. And this is something that has been killing me lately and tugging at the deepest parts of my being. There are so many things that I don't know about my sweet Vicki.

I am lucky that I know what Vicki's voice sounds like. So many parents don't have that luxury. There was nothing more melodic than hearing her say I love you the first time. Even if I fully prompted her to say it. She said it. And she does speak. And for that I am grateful. BUT... I think it's a hard spot to be in. Yes, Vicki has language. And she speaks. But she doesn't converse. Not really. She answers questions with rote responses. She demands things in one or two word phrases to get her basic needs met. Now, I am not making this any less amazing than it is. It has taken years and years and hours upon countless hours and so much hard work and determination for Vicki to gain the language skills she has. I don't take any of it for granted. And recently she has shown us a little bit more of what she has locked away in some deep recesses of her mind. And it is nothing short of amazing.  I love discovering it. I love Vicki sharing it.

But what I am talking about here today is sadness. I know Vicki has been a teenager for a few years already... even if she is only 10 years old. Her body is way older than 10. And her mind is much younger. And I can't imagine how that feels. That's just it. I have no idea how that feels because Vicki can't tell me. And people keep telling me that it's normal for teenagers to be sad and to cry. I know. I was once one... many, many years ago. I know that, heck, even now, I don't know why I am sad sometimes. My husband will come home and just look at me and the tears will start rolling down my cheeks.... What's wrong? I don't know I snivel. Why are you crying? I have no idea. :) Right? We all go through that. And I am sure that Vicki goes through that as well. Maybe she is just going through all of the teenage hormones and stuff and she just cries. So, how is that any different, her crying and not saying anything? and me crying and telling my husband that I have no idea why I am crying?

It's different to me. Because it's different. Because sometimes I know exactly why I am crying. I have all these little thought fragments running around in my head. And eventually they spill out, not it tears, but in words. And that's why I am so sad sometimes. Because when Vicki cries. No words spill out. Just tears. And the anguished look in her eyes... speak volumes to me. She has never been able to tell my why she is crying.  Sometimes I try to guess in my head. Maybe sometimes there are no reasons. But it's the times when I think there may be reasons.. and I don't know how to comfort her. Because I just don't know what to say. Because I just don't know.

And Vicki has been crying a lot lately. Like a lot. For example, I think she cried at least 15-20 different times between Saturday and Sunday this weekend. And sometimes when I look at her crying, it is so hard to look at her. Her beautiful round eyes that I know so well have tears spilling down and matting down her butterfly eyelashes. And the look in her eyes. My stomach just knots up and my heart wants to burst and take that sadness away.

What is going through her mind? What is her internal dialogue saying? What is she thinking?  I know I over think things. But, for instance, on Saturday... she cried and cried in the car ride on the way to visit family for Easter. And Vicki LOVES car rides. And it was so beautiful outside. And we were stopping at McDonald's, and she LOVES McDonald's. And she cried and cried and cried. And I had to look away. And soon my silent tears were wetting my cheeks as well. Wanna know why? Because in my head I wondered if she was crying because she misses my dad. My dad died a year and a half ago. And I miss him everyday. And I really miss him when we drive home to see our family. On Friday at school she had said the word 'Pappy' when they were talking about Easter break.

So, of course, I hypothesize that Vicki is crying because she misses Pappy. And she knows Pappy would hide Easter Eggs for her every year. And I wonder what she understands and what she thinks of. I have always felt that Vicki and my dad shared a very special connection. One that didn't need words. One that was just love. And Joey and Ally - they talk about missing Pappy a lot. I wonder what goes through Vicki's mind when she goes into my parents house and sees only Grandma? And Pappy is not there. So do I think that's part of why she cried a lot this weekend? Absolutely. But I will never really know. When Pappy died, we all went to the funeral home. Vicki looked at him and she touched his hand. Vicki said The Lord's Prayer over Pappy. Death is something no one really understands. And death is so hard to explain to children. And for Vicki I wonder what death means? I wonder if she thinks of Pappy? I wonder if she dreams of Pappy? I wonder what Vicki dreams, period? I had never really thought of that before. I wonder what she dreams about?

I'm sorry. I know I am all over the place tonight. It's almost 1 o'clock and I guess I was feeling a little blue. I guess I miss Pappy too. Hey that rhymed. :) 

Thank you for listening. I'm a little rusty getting back into blogging...  hang in there... hopefully it will get better. xoxo