Easter and Spring is a time of new beginnings... and I feel like it's time for one for me. It's been a difficult few days for me. I've been struggling. Struggling physically (I still have a virus of some sort that is making the side of my face swell and making it miserable to eat anything.)and I'm still not sleeping much, struggling mentally with the drastic ups and downs Vicki has been experiencing this last week, and struggling emotionally (trying to even out my rollercoaster of emotions).
It is so hard for me, still, sometimes to grasp the enormity of the scope of autism which Vicki wades through everyday. My patience has been wearing thin. My always cheerful demenor (Ha!) has been not so cheery lately. I've been grumpy. I've been angry. And I've been tired. And, my oh my have I been whiny. Vicki has been having trouble, a lot of trouble the last week. Things have crept up on us that haven't been a concern for years. All I have to do is look at Vicki and I can physically see her struggling within herself. She takes a few steps forward and then a few steps back. Both figuratively and literally. And she is struggling, not knowing what she wants or what she needs. And all I can do is sit back and be patient and be there for her. And sometimes, quite frankly, I am neither with her. And I feel terrible. And I know she is hurting. And I hate that I can't solve the puzzles within her and make it all better. I'm her mom, that's my job. And I feel like I've been failing miserably. And my husband, he has been amazing. Filling in for me with his abundance of patience and gentleness with Vicki. He's tired too. Vicki doesn't sleep much ever, and especially when she is not in her bed. So he's with her all of the time. And I've been trying to help my mom go through some of my dad's stuff. And that sucks. It's a bit emotionally and physically draining as well. And my husband has been there. And I am so grateful.
We were standing outside today at a family gathering for Easter. We had just finished a scavenger hunt with the kids and Vicki was sitting on the ground playing in the dirt. And I was looking at my husband. And I was thinking wow, what a rock he is. And then I looked up at the clouds and the wind picked up a bit. And then a big black cloud rolled by and a few raindrops hit my forehead. And the sun was out. And I was looking for that rainbow. That rainbow I feel like I so desparately needed. And I looked back down at my husband and smiled. He is my rainbow. He is my love. And it will all be ok. And Vicki will be ok. I'm ready to pick back up, dust myself off, and jump back in. A new day.
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