Day 2. Year 2.

It's Autism Awareness Day; and I can assure you I am aware. It's light it up blue night; and I can assure you I am feeling blue tonight. I've felt off all day today. It could be the coffee that I am still drinking that is making me feel shaky. It could be the sinus infection I have that is making me sniffle. It could be the stress I am feeling about getting our taxes done that is making me nervous. Or it could be that I am all too aware of autism today. I close my eyes and I see rainbow colored puzzle pieces. I try to shut my brain down but all I see are memories.

Notes that I've taken.
Videos that I've made.
Resolve that's been unshaken.
Doctor bills I've paid.
Pictures that tell stories.
Of pain, of loss, of love.
Of God and all his glories.
My three blessings from above.

As I said in my post yesterday, I find autism awareness month to be difficult, it brings back a lot of memories for me. Some good. Some bad. Some happy. Some sad. Some filled with hope. Some filled with despair.  And today I was thinking about the date of September 11.  I am not trying to compare what I am feeling today to what someone who lost a family member or friend on that day so many years ago feels every year on the anniversary of that date.  But, seeing those images over and over again.... Feeling the loss and the pain and the anger and the sadness.... Not wanting to watch it over and over, but not being able to take your eyes off of it....Feeling the hope and the strength, feeling the kindness of strangers, the love of a nation.... I can't imagine how overwhelming and powerful that is, when I feel like this today.


Denial/isolation. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

How do you cope? How do you grieve? Given the diagnosis of autism, not just for your child, but for your whole family. Have I isolated myself? Have I gotten mad? Have I asked myself, could I have done more? Can I do more? What if it's not enough? Am I sad?  Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Have I accepted autism?


Have I accepted Vicki? Absolutely. Unconditionally. Like only a mommy can. With a force and a love so strong that some days I feel like it's crushing me.


Has Joey accepted Vicki?  Absolutely. Unconditionally. Like only a big brother can. 6th grade can be a tough year for a kid. Being a preteen, going into middle school. This is the first year that Joey has been at a school without Vicki. He is Joey. Not Joey, Vicki's brother. He is Joey. And he's meeting new friends. And last night he got his clothes out and ready for school. Not like Joey at all. He never cares what he wears to school, or for that matter if he combed his hair after a shower. But last night he cared. He cared so much he folded his blue t-shirt with the Special Olympics logo on it and put it on his desk.  He asked me to remind him to wear it to support his sister.

Has Ally accepted Vicki? Absolutely. Unconditionally. Like only a little sister can. But this little sister is unique. She know how to be a big sister too. Watching Ally reach out for Vicki's hand on the playground. Seeing Ally set up a tea party for Vicki and showing Vicki how to pour the tea. Helping Vicki put her princess dress and crown on. It's bittersweet and touching. They are just sisters playing.

Has my husband accepted Vicki? Absolutely. Unconditionally. Like only a daddy can. The smiles she gives him. The laughs and giggles that he elicits. The comfort he provides. The hope he always holds onto. The future that he knows she can have.

Have we accepted autism?

And here's the thing. You know the one question that really matters in my mind... Has Vicki accepted Vicki? Absolutely. Unconditionally. I see it in her eyes. I see it in her smile. I see it radiate from her everyday.

This post was kind of all over the place tonight... lots of other things happened today that I am reflecting upon, worrying about, trying to figure out. But, hey, I have 28 more days to fill. :) 
Let me leave you tonight with one of my favorite parts of the day... bedtime. For obvious reasons as a parent to young children :)  but also because I love that time right before bed when the kids are all cozy and comfortable and snuggled. And talkative. :)  Tell me one thing that happened today:

From Joey, I usually get, 'I went to school.' Tonight he said that he told his math teacher that PIE and 314 were the same, just look in the mirror. :) He was quite proud of himself.

From Ally, I usually get, 'I was on green today. No. My teacher didn't tell me to take off my scarf and put it in my backpack because I was distracting others. I just took it off because it was too hot and I wanted to run at recess. :)  Tonight she was excited because we finished her birthday party invitations (that is still 3 weeks away mind you); I should probably embrace the fact that she is not a procrastinator, but instead I am jealous. :)

And from Vicki.... tonight she was talkative too. :)  She usually goes through her day by recalling her visual schedule. I love getting tidbits from her that are not on the calendar. Such as 'first papers. then hershey kisses'. ha ha. Then she will recite the Pledge of Allegiance. So beautiful. So clear. I wish I could get a video of it some night.  You know sometimes when you recite something, you have no idea what it was you just recited? With Vicki, I hear every word, every syllable. Then sometimes we will sing a song together at night. Tonight she sang the ABC song. I still get goosebumps every time I hear her sing it. Then I asked her if she would sing a song from on the radio. And she starts,' On the radio. Whoa, oh, oh. On the radio. Whoa, oh, oh. She smiles. I smile. And that's what it's all about. (clap, clap).


There is nothing better for the soul on a difficult day to 1. Have breakfast for dinner. Which we did. Chocolate chip pancakes, strawberries and whipped cream and turkey bacon.  and 2. To really listen to your kids because what each one of them has to say is really important. Take the time to listen because they want to tell us so much. And absolutely Autism Speaks. She's the voice of an angel.