'Good' Friday continued...
I’ve wanted to write about this for some time now. And I figured there is no better time, then a day filled with doubt, and sadness, and struggles. Because it is times like these when I need to pull from the strength of my husband, my children, my family, and my friends. But above all, I need to be carried by faith, by hope, and by love.
We all struggle. We all feel like there are days when we just can’t push through. When we don’t have enough strength bear the cross that each of us carry. And sometimes I forget that we don't have to bear the weight of our cross all alone. There are people ready and wanting to help take the burden off of you.
It’s how we handle the difficult days that make us who we are, that make us stronger.
My dad passed away 7 months ago. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him and miss him. Dying is a part of life, but that doesn't make dying or living any easier. I've been thinking of him a lot lately. Every 'first' holiday or special event without him triggers the memories and brings with it fresh tears... My parents would always come down to see us over Easter, and my dad would hide eggs for Joey, Vicki, and Ally every year. He loved it, we loved it. And we miss it.
Everybody struggles with death. Everybody struggles in their own way. How do you explain dying? How do you come to accept it? How do you explain dying to a child? And how do you explain dying to a child who has autism?
Death is never easy. And I think I knew it was coming for my dad. On the night before he went in for surgery, we drove to see him at home. I had been up most of the night beforet that... and I couldn't sleep. Of course I turned to writing. I penned a letter to my dad. There's not often you have the opportunity to tell a loved one everything that you feel in your heart. But I did. And I took the letter home to read to my daddy.
All of the unspoken words were spoken. I know he knew even if I didn’t say a word. But I told him anyway. I layed down across his bed and he sat on the edge. He stroked my hair like he did a million times before. I cried. He cried. I cried. He comforted. He laughed. I laughed through my tears. And here’s what I said:
To my Daddy, with love.
I’m sitting in the dark, just thinking about you.
Wondering if I can be strong when you need me to.
Wanting to tell you everything I feel I should.
Needing to tell you everything I think I never could.
Daddy I love you. You mean everything to me.
I hope I’ve made you proud of the person I’ve grown up to be.
Sitting here alone tonight, with memories of my Dad.
Makes me smile and laugh, these memories are not sad.
I remember so many things… let me list some now for you.
So we can share these memories together, for they’ve shaped me through and through…
…. I remember …. (and then I listed so many things I remembered. The good, the bad, the everything. Here are a few... )
…I remember the smell of your clothes after you spent an afternoon tying up tomato plants.
…I remember how I never wanted to let your hand go when you were walking me down the aisle to get married. I remember crying everytime I heard butterfly kisses, and still do.
….I remember feeling that everything would be alright with my pregnancy with Ally because you and mom were there for me. You are always there for me.
…I remember watching you put your arms around my kids when they cast their first line fishing in by the rocks in Tionesta.
…I remember just watching you watch Vicki. And look at the love in your eyes. And accepting her for the beautiful person that she is. And enjoying her for everything that she has brought into our lives.
…I remember watching you hold each one of my kids and seeing their tiny hands in yours and feeling so much love.
…I remember you feeling Joey’s muscles after he would do his push-ups. And how much Joey loved watching animal shows with you.
…I remember your face the first time you watched Ally play soccer. And every time you look at her.
There’s never a good time to say goodbye.
There’s never a good time to sit down and cry.
There’s never a good time to ask why.
There’s never a good time to die.
And I just wanted to tell you that I admire you so much, for alwaying being there for me. For taking the chance of dying to live, instead of living to die. I love you.
Rosezella
My dad asked my mom to call me the morning before he died about 2 weeks later after his surgery. He knew it was time and he wanted me to know. In a beautifully clear voice he said, ’You have made my life so happy.’
We got in the car and drove home to be with my dad as he died. Sitting in the hospital room with my mom that night watching my daddy die was so very hard. My mom always says, ‘I’m no good with words.’ But her actions spoke louder than words could ever do. She stroked his hand and talked gently to him and was there for him until his last breath.
Two days later I read the letter that I wrote to my dad for his eulogy. I almost made it through, until I got to the part about Vicki. The bond that he and Vicki shared was so unique. He always just was when he was with Vicki. And Vicki always just was when she was with him. Just a grandfather and his grandaughter. The day of my dad's funeral, I tried so hard to figure out how to tell Vicki. So on her visual schedule I put a pictures of my dad and Vicki hugging and the picture I use for Jesus when we pray. She went up to his casket, touched his hand and said in the clearest voice ever said:
Our Father, who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done.
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespess against us.
And lead us not into temptation.
But deliver us from evil. Amen.
And Vicki said goodbye. And I, I am still saying goodbye.And I am still struggling. And the Easter season has brought back all of it for me. And as I sat penning this post on 'Good Friday' in the kitchen I grew up in, I still felt my dad with me. And I still feel my dad with Vicki. And it will all be ok.
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