Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Day 16. Year 2.

     I've been thinking a lot lately about how lucky I am and how lucky Vicki is to have so many wonderful, truly exceptional people in our lives that love and support us through it all. What's that saying.... 'When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.'  Well, I have to say, sometimes the lemons really make me pucker and say ewww... But, you know what? So many people step up to support you when you really don't think you can stand up by yourself. And so many people are there ready to give you a cup of sugar to make your lemonade sweeter. :)  Well, it was 90 degrees today... there's something about a tall glass of lemonade over ice that really hits the spot!

     But seriously, though... I feel so blessed. I've often thought how lucky I am, that God chose me to be Vicki's mom. I learn so much from Vicki. All of my kids teach me things everyday... but with Vicki, I've learned to appreciate and celebrate every victory, no matter how big or small it may seem. I love seeing the world through Vicki's eyes... the simple pleasures, the little things. I often think about how 'children with autism' have difficulty with emotions. Yes, Vicki struggles with her emotions. But so do I,and so does everyone, it's just different. I can assure you though that Vicki can feel emotions, I can only imagine the depth of what she feels. As much as I love seeing the world through Vick's eyes, I hate seeing the pain and the confusion too... I can't imagine what she is feeling or going through. Sometimes when I am trying to explain something to Ally about Vicki, I get all choked up. Because I really just don't know. I really have no idea. I really can't explain.

     Anyway... I don't want to paint a picture that is all rainbows and unicorns. There are days, and there have been many days in this past month, where things really suck. And I have a little pity party for myself, myself... how selfish of me. Oh my gosh, it's so hard... I'm having a bad day. I feel so frustrated. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know how much more I can take. Whaa, whaa, whaa... feel bad for me. But, you know what I've been thinking about so much lately? All of those people who are helping myself and Vicki make lemonade. All of those people who choose to be in the trenches with us. Who choose to give Vicki everything they have and more. The teachers who choose to work with Vicki day in and day out, year in and year out to give Vicki every opportunity she deserves. It's not the money that keeps them coming back everyday.  The amazing girls I've hired over the years to come into our home and give everything of themselves to Vicki. The girls who see us at our worst and most vulnerable. And the girls who come back day after day, year after year because they love Vicki. They know the feeling you get when Vicki gets something, the goosebumps that appear when Vicki says your name unprompted. They share with Vicki every moment. The good moments, the bad moments, the exceptional, unforgettable moments. I always worry that someday, after a particularly bad set of moments, that they will forget the good moments and not want to come back. But they always do. And I owe them everything. Every person that has come in and touched our lives, and has given so much of themselves to us. Every person who has just been there to listen. Every person, including you.

     Today was full of lots of bad moments, lots of 'no's', lots of struggles. But it was also filled with good moments, spontaneous moments, goosebumps in a good way moments. Let me leave you tonight with a little story of a good moment. I don't know how often I've mentioned Vicki's love, her stuffed animal that she has become really attached to over the past couple of years. Every child has that one special blanket, or that one special stuffed animal, or that one special toy that is their security blanket. For me when I was young it was a little baby doll that I called 'me me'. I still have her. :)  And Vicki has 'Layse black cat'. Layse was the name of our beloved doggie we had in the family for 13.5 years who we had to put to sleep this past October. I love that Vicki calls her stuffed animal 'Layse black cat'. Although I can't really figure out if it's a dog, a cat, or a bear. All I know is that Vicki loves it. :) And Vicki takes it with her when she goes for rides in the car. Today Vicki had horseback riding and then she went to the store with one of the girls who comes in and works with Vicki... Anyway, I didn't realize until bedtime, when we gathered our stuff up to go to bed (yes Ally has 'Glitter' her doggie in a pink tutu, and Joey has 'Willow Breeze' his big Bengal tiger... shhhhh NO one is too old for a stuffed animal!) that 'Layse black cat' was not on the couch with Vicki and when we told her to get Layse, she couldn't find her. And like any child who loves their special security blanket, Vicki was not happy when she couldn't find her. Any child would be upset and shed a few tears, maybe more. But with Vicki, it was a bit more. She kept repeating 'Layse black cat. Layse black cat. Layse black cat'. I texted the girl that had taken Vicki today just to see if LayseLayse black cat that she's never been without her, until tonight. It could have been a very long night. A very long night. But, after she realized that Layse black cat was in her car, I didn't have to tell her how much Vicki was upset. She just knew. And without me asking, she jumped in her car and drove back up to our house at 9:30 tonight about 30 miles round trip, just so she could place Layse black cat back in Vicki's arms. Now that is some sweet lemonade. xoxo

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