Day 7.

So I started writing today's post about 4 hours ago. Here's what I wrote:  Task number one this am. Change sheets. Check. Not too bad today. At this rate, I will need to buy new sheets soon... When we bought sheets for Vicki's bed a few years ago we bought 2 sets of the same sheets and 2 sets of the same comforter. It definately lessens the anxiety for Vicki since we have to change them so frequently. But, these are starting to wear out... Funny how nervous I'm already getting thinking I won't be able to find the same sheets/comforter again. If I told Ally we needed to buy new stuff for her bed, it would be quite the event for her. She'd be thinking about new colors, fun pillows, heck, we would probably have to change the whole motif in her room to go with her new bedding. It will be quite the event for Vicki to, but in a much different way. I'll worry about that another time...  AND now I am back. After writing this paragraph while watching Vicki on the monitor, I decided to take a break, convinced that Vicki was going to stay clothed and dry in her bed - and go ice my foot in the living room and watch a Fringe with my husband- thinking that I'd come back in and finish my blog up feeling more rested and relaxed having spent a little chillaxin time with my hubby and a cup of coffee. That didn't happen. I did make a cup of coffee and took one sip and we did put Fringe on. But no more than 7 minutes into the show my husband asked me to go check on Vicki. I never question him, he has a serious poop detector nose. So I run upstairs. Too late.

You know when you have that very first kid snow day at the beginning of winter... you are running around putting their snow clothes together and they are standing around sweating waiting for you to find their other glove? You don't really have a good system up and running yet... the wet clothes are strewn all over the floor, puddles of melted snow are everywhere, and you can't find the hot cocoa or mini marshmellows?  But by the 3rd snow day, you have it down to an exact science and you are feelin pretty good about your methods. That's, unfortunately, how I am feeling right about now with the 'after the poop smear clean up' method. I don't want it to become so routine again. It's been years since I've had to deal with this more than once or twice every few months or so...  That's the thing. You think you are over some type of behavior when it hasn't happened for a while, then it rears its ugly head again. And it sucks. When I started this blog 7 days ago, I really didn't think a big majority of it would be writing about poop. We had been doing so well. Crap. Ha. I can't get away from it. Even when I swear, I talk about it. :P    But all joking aside, it was very hard tonight. I don't know what to do about it right now. I remember a while ago when we were going through this, we were told to make it an unpleasant experience for her, so she wouldn't be given extra positive attention with it; we were also told to make her help clean it up. Well, the helping clean it up part didn't really do anything then, and I don't think it would do anything now. She likes the sensory experience of it too much.  But I do try not to talk to her too much and try to keep a very blank face while I am going through the motions. That's really hard for me to do, especially tonight. I have to turn my face away sometimes so she doesn't see the tears well up in my eyes. I don't know what I want to think. Sometimes I want to think that she doesn't realize at all what she is doing. And other times I think that she knows exactly what she is doing. And that's how I felt tonight. (Remember how I talked about her emotions being kind of extreme?) While I was washing her hands she was laughing and while I was scrubbing the carpet with carpet cleaner, she was laughing. And I am only human. I just wanted to get so mad. But I kept a very blank face and just went through the motions, came downstairs and cried. I couldn't even finish my coffee because I didn't want to put my hands up close to my face because the smell just lingers and lingers. Sigh. Lets move on. Again.

I had been looking forward to today for a few weeks now. My husband and I were taking Vicki to see an endocrinologist. Funny the things that get me excited. Vicki is 8, will be 9 in a little over a month; and she is super tall for her age, always has been.  And over this last year I've been getting quite antsy. I actually put her in a training bra (the sports bra kind seems to be the best fit for her) on New Year's Day of last year. I wasn't sure how she would respond to it and I wanted to give it enough time to get her used to it before she really needed it. And, Vicki never ceases to surprise me. She did really well with it, had no trouble at all putting it on that first day. We haven't looked back since. And she really does need it now. Without going into too much detail, of course, I haven't seemed to be holding anything back anyway... I've been getting nervous about her development and the p word. Puberty. I know it's just a matter of time. I noticed little things starting last summer. And now, everything seems to be in full swing. It scares me to death that she is 8 years old and already has a young woman's body. This is all unchartered territory for me. I want to be informed and know what to do to help Vicki before it happens. Is this the reason for Vicki's extreme, extreme mood swings and emotions lately? That doesn't seem totally out of the question. And how long after you notice things starting is it until you start menstration? I couldn't remember from myself. I know there's a Tanner scale for development, but I'm not that familar with it. I don't want to ask my questions after it happens. I want to know now. I had gone to a few lectures a while back and remembered suggestions to help young girls understand the changes in their bodies and begin prepping them for menstration. I remember someone saying that they'd used red food coloring on a pad  to simulate it. It sounds gross, but in a way, I understand. What girl isn't scared the first time that happens to them? It will be no different for Vicki. Only it will be. I am especially terrified right now, because of what's been happening at night with her. What if she wants to explore that too when it happens? I can't even fathom that right now.

(I remember the first time Vicki ever lost a tooth. A bit scary for any child. But for Vicki, she freaked out. She cried and cried for hours. She kept trying to put her tooth back in her mouth. It broke my heart to watch her. But, God always provides. And he gave me Joey. Sweet Joey who is 2 years older than Vicki. Sweet Joey who is such a good role model for Vicki. And this was no different. It is really uncanny if you look at Joey's and Vicki's baby books together. Here's how it went: Joey lost his first tooth. The next day Vicki lost her first tooth, the same exact tooth, same place in the mouth. Joey lost his second tooth. That same day Vicki lost her second tooth, same tooth. And so on and so forth for the first 7 teeth that they lost. Pretty cool, huh? So when Vicki lost her first tooth Joey was right there, showing Vicki the space in his mouth where his tooth used to be. They both went into the bathroom together and Joey would tell Vicki to smile so she could see that her mouth looked like his and it was ok. )  I really don't know what sparked that memory, but I think it was that I need a plan so that I can help Vicki.

Back to the endocrinologist. When we were at Vicki's follow-up after her recent seizures, the neurologist was examing her and saw how hairy her legs were and that she had a little bit of acne. She mentioned precocious puberty and agreed that we should see an endocrinologist. Finally, now I'm getting somewhere. The doctor was really nice today. She made the mistake of asking what I wanted out of this appointment. She let me talk and talk and talk and ask questions. And I don't know what I want. I just want to help Vicki and know all of our options.

I try very hard to live in the moment. I know we have to plan ahead. But sometimes, when I think about things, I just want to cry. I just want to cry for the things that Vicki won't get to experience. For the things I have no idea if Vicki will ever be able to do. I want the world for all of my kids, and I don't want to limit what I think Vicki can or can not do. The future is out there and I want to dream big and reach for the stars for her. But sometimes reality sets in. I don't want to think about things. But the questions are there anyway. It's odd, little things and not so little things will pop into my head. Ally asked me one time if Vicki will ever sleep over someones house. Or if Vicki will have friends come over and go play in her room. I feel stupid right now, but I have tears streaming down my face. And I don't ever want to answer those questions. I just keep thinking, we had a great day today. Look at what she accomplished today. Someone else asked me one time if Vicki would ever drive a car. And I cried. (See my pattern here? I cry a lot. And it's not even that time of the month for me right now!) But the questions associated with Vicki's sexual development make me tear up all of the time. When Ally asked me if Vicki was ever going to be a mommy, it just tore my heart apart.

Back to the questions for the endocrinologist. How long before she starts menstration? The endocrinologist mentioned options such as delaying the onset by giving injections once a month for a year. That doesn't sound great either. What about once she gets it, would the 4x a year thing be viable? What are her hormone levels right now?  We talked about a lot of stuff today. At least it's a starting point. And she wanted to get some tests done. Of course she did. And as much as I hate the process by which we have to obtain these tests, I love results. Results on paper. I guess because there's always that hope that there will be something we can fix to help her. After all of these years, a quick fix for something would be great... still gotta have hope, right? I just want answers, any kind would be helpful. Hopefully we'll get the results of these tests soon so we can go from there.

I'm sorry. This seems to be a rather heavy post. Let me just end with a few positive things.
My husband rocks. And he's my rock. And I can't imagine my life without him. I feel so lucky and so blessed to have him. I could never imagine going through this without him. He is the only one who really, truely, understands because he is living it right beside me always holding my hand and my heart. He is an amazing daddy. He has so much patience and understanding. With both the kids and with his blubbering, whiny, crying wife. :P  He was amazing with Vicki today. Always is. After we left the endocrinologist's office, we went to get an x-ray of her hand. Strange, right? Apparrently so the doctor can look at the growth plates and determine a 'bone age'. Then we had to go and get some tubes of blood drawn, to get lots of labs... thyroid, hormone levels, etc...  I have to say, for going to 3 different offices today in the span of 2 hours, Vicki rocked too!!!  She walked into each one. (Which is in itself a huge accomplishment!!) Now, I'm not going to say that the x-ray or blood draw was easy. Well, it was for me, because this is daddy's territory. I have my things, he has his. And this part is all him. I got to sit in the waiting room and listen to Vicki scream. And that was hard enough for me. I'm pretty sure daddy got a good workout in today. I think I saw a little bit of prespiration on his forhead when they came out after that blood draw.

After all of this, you want to know something? Today rocked. Why?  Because I got to see some 'firsts' for Vicki. And although they may seem insignificant, I can guarentee you that they are not. They are the moments that I live for... Number one: on Vicki's visual schedule today was a picture of a doctor with a patient and all by herself when I asked her where we were going this morning, she said 'doctor's office'. Clear as a bell. And even though she knew without a doubt that she was going to the doctor's.. she grabbed her cookbook and went straight to the car. Woo hoo Vicki!!!   Number two: And then, on the car ride up to Fairfax, we had the radio on rather low. Before, if Vicki couldn't hear the radio she would say --- 'look, look, look and point to the radio and say, 'what is it? what is it?' This morning she say, 'turn it up, please.' We both looked back at her and she was smiling away. :)  You betcha Vicki. Here's your Bon Jovi louder! Absolutely! And then, number three: After we were all done with the doctor offices, we asked Vicki what she wanted to do and she said, 'Restaurant. Hamburger.' While we were there sitting in the booth, she dropped her fork on the floor. Usually if something falls, a utensil, a piece of food, whatever, it's very important to Vicki that she pick it up. It can actually cause a very big meltdown when we tell her she can't have the food because it's dirty. So, the fork dropped and my husband and I were ready... and she just picked up a clean new fork that was on the table. Cool. Very cool. I like that.