wow. This is the latest/earliest I've written my blog yet. It is amazing how exhausting a 4 hour party with 6 six year olds can be. I, of course, laid down on the couch last night at 11 'just for a minute' and it's now 6 hours later... My house looks like the aftermath of a college frat party only instead of beer cans, leftover pizza and passed out young adults, it's juice boxes, cheddar bunny crackers and baby dolls strewn about. :) After I finish this post and my coffee, I plan on spending the rest of the early morning cleaning; it's funny how therapeutic cleaning is for me. When I am alone with a mess, I love cleaning and organizing things (some things, my basement is not one of them); you may find me humming along as I redress the barbies and brush their hair. :) There's something to be said about seeing a before picture and then an after picture of what you are cleaning. It's very cut and dry. It was dirty and now it's clean. Period. I can physically see the progress I've made. I wonder if I like cleaning toys up so much because there are so many things in life that are not so cut and dry. Wouldn't it be nice if more things had that 'if you do this, then this' will be the consequence... If I spend hours and days and months and years and lots and lots of money and time and grit and determination and multiple types of therapies and love and love and love... then Vicki will be able to ..... (fill in the blank here with multiple things).... express what I know is hidden deep down inside.
My grammie used to tell me that she would dream about Vicki all of the time. She would dream about hearing Vicki's voice. She would dream that her and Vicki were sitting outside on her back porch swing just laughing and talking and watching the hummingbirds together. Something so easy and simple. It will be 4 years this June that my grammie past away. I know she is looking down on her sweet Vicki and smiling. I wish she could hear Vicki's voice now. I wish she could hear Vicki sing one of her princess songs. I wish Vicki could tell her what she ate for dinner last night. I wish Vicki could bake little nut rolls with grammie.
I think about how far Vicki has come the last 4 years.
I am the first one to say how much I savor all of the little moments. The simple things. The unprompted 'I love you mommy.' The spontaneous little minute before bed when she reaches her arm around my neck and gently pulls me to her and strokes my hair. That moment of pure togetherness. I treasure when she hands a barbie to another little girl and looks her in the eye. I treasure every time she says, 'i need to go potty,' I treasure every time she smiles at me. I treasure every time she asks 'what it it, what is it?' . I treasure every time she laughs appropriately at something. I treasure every time she colors a picture nicely and then cuts it out on the lines.
I am also the first one to say how much more I want for her. I want her to be able to tell me why she is crying or sad. I want her to be able to read me a story. I want her to be able to walk beside me without holding my hand (without me freaking out and worrying about her darting away from me). I want her to be able to play and interact with a little girl her own age. I want her to be able to play and enjoy a board game with us. I want little spontaneous moments to not be so hard. I want to be able to go to the park with all 3 of my kids and just relax and have fun with them. I want to be able to go down to the basement and throw a load of laundry in when Vicki is home and playing in the living room. I want. I want. I want.
I think what prompted this line of thinking is watching Vicki at the party last night. I am so proud of how she did. She didn't just hide under a blanket plugging her ears (which, by the way, is what I wanted to do last night!!). She sat at the dinner table with all of the little girls, in a different seat than her usual. She kept her hands down in her lap and didn't yell or reach for things. I'm pretty sure she enjoyed the candlelit dinner party with the little girls. She waited her turn for the pink cake. She sat and watched Ally open her presents (Ally let her hold and look at one while she was opening the others.) Although she didn't interact with the girls too much, she didn't get angry at them or push them either when they were sitting at her favorite spot on the couch with her blanket. I had her sit in another chair with a different blanket. And she did. So, I am celebrating these little moments.
One of the moms had brought her little boy with her to the party. He also has autism. I was watching her. I was her. It was odd to me to be on the other end. Thinking about how much I wanted to help her. She looked exhausted running after him. She didn't have a chance to finish her food or to finish her sentence. I just wanted to reach out to her, both physically and emotionally. I wonder if that's how people feel when they see me with Vicki on a particularly rough day. 'Can i help you?' just doesn't seem like enough. So I just hugged her. And I hope that helped.
I remember hating to be at parties. It was always so darn difficult. Constantly running after Vicki. Constantly saying I'm sorry. Never being able to stand with the moms and just finish a sentence. It's odd. I still hate being anywhere besides my house. Because it's 'easy' at my house. I can sit down at my house. I know Vicki is safe at my house Even though I never take my eyes off of Vicki when we are home, it's still 'easier.' I remember a few weeks ago Vicki went to a young lady's party that she knows from her adaptive dance class. I didn't want to go. I think because I imagine how hard it is going to be. All of the 'what ifs?' seem to take on bigger consequences for me now. 'What if I can't get her into their house? What if she had a tantrum? Will I be able to calm her down? What if she throws herself down on the ground and I can't move her?' But we went. And I am so glad we did. I tend to underestimate Vicki all of the time. She did amazing, just like she did last night. But I still want more. I will always want more. Because if I don't want more, then who will?
Last night at bedtime as Vicki was going through her day, she smiled when she got to Ally's party. (Ally had a dinner party and all of the little girls got to get gussied (that's a fun word) up... ribbons and barrettes in their hair, eyeshadow, lip gloss, fingernail polish... etc...) On Vicki's visual schedule it went like this, 'movie, party, lipstick, make-up (a picture of an eye with eyelashes and colored shadow on the lid), dinner, cake, arts and crafts, presents). Vicki said, 'What is it, what is it ? (for Tangled movie, because it's new and she didn't know the name yet). Ally party. Lips, yellow (not yellow lip gloss! She just chose the one with the yellow wand!), eyelashes, dinner, chicken, noodles, carrots, water, ice. Cake, pink cake, pink cream, pink marshmallow, ice cream. Chocolate/vanilla/strawberry (neapolitan- not 3 different scoops!). Art. Presents. Ally present. Vicki present. Joey present. Daddy present. Mommy present. (and she mentioned a little boys name from her class at school) present. Awww..... she's too sweet. She wanted everyone to have a present. I already got mine. It's you, Vicki.
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