Day 20.

Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Yep. That's me.

It's exhausting. Following my train of thought. (I'm exhausted just trying to type it.) Here's an example:

As I'm typing 'up, down, up, down, up, down,' I start thinking about what my feelings would look like graphed. And then I think, would that be a sine wave? Would that be a cosine wave? What's that other wave? Tangent? What's the difference? I think I'll google that. (sine waves vs cosine waves. images.) Nope. I'm done with that. I'll just think 'wavey' in my head.

Then I type out 'That's me.' And I think, what song am I thinking about now? Oh, yes, that Laurie Berkner song.  Oh this is me, this is me. This is me and my energy. This is me, this is me. This is me and my energy. I'm I'm gonna clap my hands. I'm gonna shake my head. I'm gonna yell out loud. Because I have energy. Oh this is me, this is me. This is me and my energy. And it's the only thing That I can be. Yeah I'm the only thing That I can be. Me - Me - Energy. Me - Me - Energy.  Energy. I could use some of that.

For any of you that have kids, or are around kids, or are a kid at heart... if you've never checked out The Laurie Berkner Band, you should google it. :)  Out of all the kids CDs we've listened to, hers are, by far, my favorite. The songs are catchy. I even like to listen to her CDs when the kids arent' in the car with me. :)  I have a soft spot in my heart for her songs too... When Vicki was around 4 years old we listened to her songs all the time. One of our favorites to sing back then was 'moon, moon, moon.' and I remember that I loved those few minutes with Vic because Vicki was in the moment with me. She wasn't talking much yet, but she could fill in the blanks with her songs... and there was one part where the lyrics say, 'look up, it's the moon, look up it's the moon, look up it's the moon up in the sky...' and Vicki would look up at the ceiling and with my help she would point upwards and smile. So many of her songs bring back wonderful memories for me. She has a song called, 'we are the dinosaurs, marching, marching... ' and Joey and Vicki would stomp around the room and Joey would make dinosaur sounds to Vicki and she would giggle. Then there was a song, goodnight... and Vicki would repeat the sounds of the animals for this lullaby.
I'm a little frog and my Daddy loves me . I'm a little frog and my Mommy loves me.
And when they tuck me in to say goodnight...They say "ribbit ribbit ribbit"
Goodnight . Goodnight goodnight goodnight little frog
Goodnight. Goodnight goodnight "ribbit ribbit ribbit" Goodnight.
And one of the first times I ever heard Vicki say the words 'I love you' was when she was singing one of her songs. And I'm kicking myself right now. I remember where we were when Vicki was singing it (we were staying in a hotel room when we were in Bethesda doing auditory therapy). And I heard her say the words and I cried. And cried. And cried. I held her in my arms as she was going to sleep and the next day I wrote an email to Laurie Berkner thanking her. And now I can't remember the words to that song. I feel like a crappy mom.

Up. Down. Up. Down.
Up-I volunteered in Ally's classroom today and we hid the eggs for the kindergartners egg hunt. :)  Loved seeing how excited the kids were. So cute!  Also up- I then got to help the kids with glitter on their tissue paper eggs. Glitter! Woo hoo! 
Down - I got a splinter in my finger yesterday while working on the bar refinishing. And it's right where I bend at the knuckle. And it's swollen. And it hurts when I type. :( 
Up- my parents came to visit today from PA.
Down - I think the drive is getting really hard for them to make. They look exhausted.
Up- When Vicki's para told Vicki that grandma and pappy were waiting for her in the car at car riders, she clapped her hands and jumped up and down for joy. :)  LOVE it!  Just a year ago, she would run and hide under her blanket and plug her ears and close her eyes. It might take an hour to get her off of the couch. She would even walk with her eyes closed so she didn't have to open them and make eye contact.
Down- ouch. My splinter really hurts.
Up- it was horseback riding day and Vicki looked really excited to ride.
Down- she was teary eyed during the riding lesson and seemed to have a hard time, there was another lesson going on in the barn at the same time, and it was louder than usual. Who knows.
Up- she peed on the potty... she hasn't been wanting to go potty at hb riding lessons the last few weeks. Thank goodness for Ally's jelly beans from her egg hunt. Oh, and this was good... there was one of those toilet bowl cleaners that when you flush it, the bowl water turns blue. Vic looked at it strangely, but sat down and peed anyway. :)  That was awesome!!!
Down- now we have to go to Ally's soccer game and my car thermometer reader was reading 92 degrees.
Up- Ally scored the first goal of the game on the first drive. And the parking lot was very close to the field so grandma and pappy watched from the car, as did Vicki for a while. She was very content drawing and coloring. But of course, we were there to cheer on Ally, so eventually with 1 quarter to go.. I had Joey and Vicki come out on the sidelines to cheer Ally on.
Down- Vicki was fine the first few minutes. Then there goes the technology stuff again. She's mad. And she gave a little toss to my phone and then leaned in towards Ally to what I thought, was to give her a hair hug. But then she pulled the sparkly yellow headband out of Ally's hair and Ally asked for it back and Vicki said, no mine. Back and forth. I love it when they sound like 2 sisters arguing. :)  But then Vic wouldn't give the headband back to Ally. I was so nervous that Vic was going to snap it in two. We finally got it off of her, in one piece, but Vic was mad. Then Joey came closer to Vicki and wham - she kicked him in the gut. I was so proud of Joey, he didn't really react to it. And Vic kept saying 'Joey crying.' Then Joey looked at her and he said, 'no, joey's not crying.' And Vic got even madder. After redirecting her with making bee sounds and counting blades of grass, she seemed a little better. But she was in one of her indecisive moods. She said, 'home. yes home. no home. (whine) no home. I wish I knew what she wanted. I wish she knew what she wanted.
Up - After the game, we picked daddy up and went' to Joey's court of honor for boy scouts. She walked into the building, carrying the brownies I ended up making for our snack requirement and had her cookbook in her hand. Pretty proud of her. This is new.
Down- I found something that I excel at. If you want to know 'what not to do for behavior management', just look at me. You'd think after almost 9 years, I'd know some things. But, no. The same things stress me out. Ugg... i should have prepared a bit more for the ceremony. I didn't realize how quiet it would be. And how formal it would be. And how almost no one in the place had ever met me, let alone Vicki, and not many people there knew that she has autism. So here come the looks. The guy in front of us kept looking back. Vicki was looking at her cookbook and she was in her 'silly mode'. Not the best mode to be in for a quiet, formal, ceremony. She was throwing her head back and laughing. And I know better. I know she feeds off of my reactions. And I'm sure it was obvious to her that I was nervous. So that just made her vocalizations and her laughing louder. And the guy in front of us, kept turning around, probably every 10 seconds or so. So my husband finally took her out of the room. Not because of the guys looks, or the scout master's looks of disapproval. But because of me. I miss cub scouts. I was really upset tonight. Vicki wanted a brownie. No brownie tonight. She's mad at me.
She usually talks about what she did durning the day at bedtime. Tonight she opened her mouth to say, 'i want it... ' that's how she sometimes starts her list of things she did... But tonight, she opened her mouth and clamped it shut and said 'no schedule, no food'. She's mad and doesn't want to talk to me. Because we wouldn't give her a brownie. Because she didn't listen. She looked at me and said, 'door. mommy. go'. Funny how those three words can make me so happy and so sad all at the same time. Happy because she is expressing her anger. Sad because I always wonder, does she really know what she shouldn't be doing? Sometimes I think so, sometimes I don't. Tonight I did. So no brownie.
I'll tell you what. This was a crazy, busy, packed day for all of us. And looking back on it now, eh... not so bad, really... I was grumpy and sleepy by bedtime too. And I was bashful at scouts. And, lets see. sneezy at the barn. Happy. Yes.  Doc - does giving Vic her medicine count? Lets see... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6... what's the last one?   Funny, how everything goes back to music. I love it when Vicki sings, 'someday my prince will come...' Here's hoping all of your wishes come true Vicki. Keep dreaming. Even about brownies. xoxo