Right on the outlet in the kitchen are 2 little black and red push buttons in the middle of the outlet. If I trip the circuit, sometimes I can just hit those little buttons and after a second or two, the light on the phone flashes again and I am super psyched that I fixed it, and I didn't need anyone's help. And it only took a second. But then there are other times that I try those little buttons after I trip the circuit and wait. And nothing. Crap. It didn't work. So then, I have to ask my husband to reset the breaker downstairs in the basement. Because after all of these years of tripping that circuit, I still can't figure out how to reset the breaker myself. Yep. Do see where I am going with this?
I wish. I wish. I wish. I wish. I wish I knew exactly what makes that circuit trip. What makes Vicki's circuit trip? Sometimes it seems so random. Sometimes I'm convinced I know why it tripped. I try to be careful to not do things that have lead to the circuit tripping in the past. I say a lot of prayers before certain activities. I hear certain sounds that Vicki makes, and it's like I can actually see her light go out. Why are the wires loose? Why is the connection not holding? And yes, when things happen with Vicki, it's not always at the most convenient times. And I mutter to myself. And I'm irritated. Sometimes, it's a quick fix, maybe just giving her an extra visual, using first.... then....., counting back from 5, setting the timer for a certain activity, or just giving her extra time, or extra reinforcement. And I feel super psyched. Woo hoo! But then there are times, when nothing in our bag of tricks will do the trick, and I have to ask for help, from my husband, from her teachers, from her therapists... And it takes more time and effort. And it sucks.
When that circuit is firing correctly, and doing what it needs to do on a daily basis, well, it's great. And sometimes I take it for granted. But then, I forget myself, and I don't check to make sure everything is working, and I come home to find our dinner for the evening, still cold, just sitting in that slow cooker. That blows. Now I have to scramble around to find something else that will do in a pinch.
Why can't I just replace the bad wires? Why can't I find the best, strongest, duct tape in the world? Why can't I hire an electrician that will solve the problem. Now, in no way, am I trying to say that Vicki needs fixed. I love her unconditionally just the way she is. And because of receiving this wonderful gift of this beautiful little girl, I am a better person. Vicki has taught me just as much if not more about life than I have taught her. I just want to make things easier for her. I don't want to see her hurting or in pain, I don't want every damn thing to be so challenging for her.
I think about this a lot. What makes one day so good, and the next day so bad? And for that matter, what makes 1 hour so good and the next hour so bad? Why do things have to cycle so much? Why can't she gain a skill and have it be in her repertoire forever? Why do we have to constantly revisit things, day after day, year after year? Oh I know things take time, but sometimes I don't want want to wait. I want it now. I want it yesterday. It's taking too long. She's getting so much older. Believe me, I celebrate her successes everyday and I am so thankful. And I am so selfish. But if I'm not selfish in what I want for my daughter, who will be? I want it all for her. I want it all for all of my kids. Doesn't every parent?
And I get so jealous sometimes too..hasI really get mad at myself for that. I'm sure you've heard, 'If you meet one child with autism, then you have met one child with autism.' And I never want to compare. I don't want to compare Vicki to Joey, or Vicki to Ally, or Vicki to any other child- one with autism or one without. But, I don't think I would be human if things didn't cross my mind (at least that's what i tell myself to make me feel better...) I'll hear about someone being able to read, or participate in a typical classroom with minimal support, or be in an activity that doesn't require them to have a 1:1 to be able to participate in it. I'll see another child be able to walk next to their mother without holding their mother's hand the whole time, who is able to transition from one activity to another without any problems, who can play with and interact with their peers, who can be left alone in a room for a minute or two. And I know that each person has their own story. Each person has their own struggles. Sorry, I don't know where I'm going with this. :) I just kind of meandered. I like that word. :P
I also liked so many things that Vicki did today. Wow. When Vicki is happy, my whole world is brighter. When Vicki smiles, my heart smiles. When Vicki sings, my heart soars. When Vicki is 'on', wow. She talks so clear. She verbalizes so well. She was jumping up and down and smiling when we were singing her calendar song today... (to the tune of The Adams Family --- Days of the week, clap, clap, days of the week, clap, clap, days of the week, days of the week, days of the week, clap, clap. There's Sunday and there's Monday. There's Tuesday and there's Wednesday, there's Thursday and there's Friday, and then there's Saturday.) She flew through her homework and when we were 'reading' her bag book, she really seemed interested. She was tracking the print with my finger. And after prompting the first few times, she was looking for the words dog and cat and she looked so proud when we got to those words and she got them right!!! And she would say the words, 'I' and 'a' each time she saw those words when I pointed. This was huge today! To recognize the words dog and cat after seeing them 4-5 times in the story. Now she probably won't get them right the next time she sees them, but for today, I will take it!!! We had a lot of places to go after school today too.. we took Ally to dance, and then dropped Joey off at soccer, and then went back to pick Ally up at dance, and I would say a little prayer in the car each time we were getting out. And she did really well. :) And she knew she did well. Because in the car on the way home, she kept saying, 'Vicki home. brownie. chocolate. yummy. brownie. ' (Now, she never forgets a thing! If you remember, no brownie for her last night... I knew that she would want some today. So this morning before we left for school, I made another pan of brownies to have for later... because those boy scouts devoured those brownies last night. They were ooooy, gooey, chocolate pieces of pure yumminess. And she was happy. Not a peep out of her tonight after she went to bed. :) She finally got her brownie. Good for you Vicki. Oh, and she said grandma and pappy's name tonight while they were sitting near her. Clear as a bell. I think she was just happy to have them near her. She didn't want anything. Just them to be there and smile at her. :) At bedtime tonight, she went through her day so clearly. And she even inserted grandma and pappy's name in her day, and she inserted Joey's soccer practice (I hadn't put a visual up for that because I didn't realize we'd have to take him.) So that's great. She added things, gave me more information than she visualized on her schedule. Great job!!
I am beat. I guess a trip to DC today with Joey's 5th grade class will do that! I had a lot of fun at the Museum of Natural History; and I learned a lot from those boys. :P It's great to forget about everything and just concentrate on the dinosaurs, the mammals, the oceans, the gems, the bones, and the history. I am really glad I got a chance to go. I was worried being gone so far for so long... But I think Joey needed this. I have never been on a field trip with him. Ever. And he seemed very happy that I went. He even asked me to sit with him on the bus. :) I'll take that! And I think he was really glad that I wore the boy scout pins he pinned on me last night at his ceremony. Thanks Joey.
Since I was talking a lot about circuits tonight... I'll leave you with a song that shows my age... although I think I watched it mostly in reruns. :)
HEY YOU GUYS!
We're gonna turn it on.
We're gonna bring you the power
We're gonna light up the dark of night like the brightest day in a whole new way
We're gonna turn it on we're gonna bring you the power
It's coming down the lines, strong as they can be
Through the courtesy of The Electric Company
The Electric Company.
The Electric Company!
We're gonna turn it on.
We're gonna bring you the power
We're gonna light up the dark of night like the brightest day in a whole new way
We're gonna turn it on we're gonna bring you the power
It's coming down the lines, strong as they can be
Through the courtesy of The Electric Company
The Electric Company.
The Electric Company!
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