Day 14.

When I see that blank computer screen for a new post, I have to say, I get a little nervous and stressed. I want to say something profound and interesting. Time is something no one seems to have enough of. It is a precious commodity. And for you to be spending your time reading this, well, I am honored and I want to live up to it. :)

Let me first start out by saying a big Happy Birthday to my little Princess Ally. Feeling a little nostalgic tonight; looking at some old baby pictures. It feels like just yesterday and yet it feels like a lifetime ago. (This is why I love taking pictures... when I look back at pictures, I remember so many little things. The feelings that day. What was going on behind the pictures. Everything. I don't want to forget a moment. I treasure them all. The good, the bad, the funny, the sad.)  Memories are a funny thing though. I have to tell our family's back story quite frequently to all of the doctors that Vicki has to go to and all of the therapists that cycle through our lives. It's hard to relive stuff sometimes. Especially the painful stuff. We had taken Vicki to see Dr. Greenspan, a child psychiatrist out of Bethesda, a few years ago. One of the requirements for a session was to splice together video from the first 3 years of her life. I remember when I was watching that video, even though I could see definite changes in Vicki and definite periods of time when she just wasn't there, for the most part, I kept thinking... well, that wasn't too bad. She was even looking into the camera. Why won't she do this or that now? And I would look back at notes I kept, thinking, well, that wasn't that so bad either. And I have to keep reminding myself that I didn't always want to write the bad stuff down. I would gloss over things. And I certainly didn't have the video camera rolling when it was really, really bad.

I think about our kids all of the time. But today, especially, I've been thinking about how fortunate we are to have been blessed to bring 3 healthy, beautiful babies into this world and to share our lives with them. I feel so very grateful and thankful to have had, and continue to have, so many wonderful people in our lives to support us and guide us in our journey. I'm thinking right now of my parents. They just called tonight to sing Happy Birthday to Ally. I talk to my parents almost every morning on the phone. They've been there for everything. When I was pregnant with Ally they would make the 5 hour drive to see us on a Monday morning and then would make the 5 hour drive back home on a Friday, just to help me out. They would spend the weekend at home and then come back and do it all over again. For just about every week of my pregnancy. Being a parent myself now, I get it. I never understood before. But I do now. I would give up every fiber of my being for my children. Anyway, on Ally's birthday, I just wanted to say thank you to my mommy and daddy.  And if I can do half as much {as you've done for me my entire life} with my children, I will feel like I've done something right.

Here's a couple interesting tidbids about our pregnancies. My husband and I are Rh incompatable. I had never even heard or paid attention to that before we got pregnant. Of course we are compatable, that's silly. We're married. We like each other. :P  But what I had come to learn throughout the course of our 3 pregnancies, was that my husband was A positive and I was A negative. Not a good combination. But they have the rho gham shot that they give to you after your first baby is born. That shoud take care of it. But in our case, it didn't. Don't ask me why. Well, actually, you can... and let me just state now, that I have a very rudementary understanding of this stuff... I am in no way, shape, or form knowledgable on this subject matter... But I do know I was scared. And I do know that both of my baby girls had to be in the NICU for a week after they were born because of this.

With Vicki, my antibody titres were very high starting out in the pregnancy. I was followed by a perinatologist my entire pregnancy. I had no less than 5 amniocentesises. The doctors were very concerned about Vicki. They had even discussed in utero blood transfusions. To make a very long story short, I was induced at 38 weeks. Vicki was very, very sick. Her bilirubin levels had climbed to 28. (Those levels have to do with how yellow a baby is when he/she is born, 'jaundice'.) Vicki was pretty darn yellow. In fact, with her bilirubin level being above 25, we had to get regular auditory testing the first 3 years of her life, because the neonatogists said some neurological pathways, such as the hearing pathway, could have been affected. She was referred to a cardiologist when she was a day old because they thought she had a tumor on her heart, it ended up just being overworked, cardiac tissue trying to prevent her organs from shutting down... but she did have an atrial septal defect (ASD) - hmmm... the same initals as autism spectrum disorder. My parents were here a lot during Vicki's pregnancy... my mom would spend time with Joey while my daddy would take me to the doctor and hold my hand during the amnios when my husband couldn't be there because of work.

When I was pregnant with Ally, the perinatologists didn't hold out much hope. My titres were off the charts. I guess once the maternal/fetal blood mixes after your first baby, there's not much you can do to reverse it. So my body would recognize the baby's blood as foreign and begin attacking it. The doctors, when I was pregnant with Ally, said that I would probably lose the baby, and it could happen well after the 'safe 3 month' period. They said that I wouldn't be able to carry her to term and that there wasn't much hope. In fact, they even tried to discuss assisting with that process. Nope. The only one assisting with this pregnancy would be God. And that's how it would be.  I had to go to the perinatologist's office at least 2 x a week during my entire pregnancy to keep watching my titre levels and checking the baby via ultrasound. They ended up recommending a procedure to try. I went for it. A visiting nurse came to my house once a week and hooked me up to an IV... IVIG. I wore a backpack with the iv in it and she would monitor my blood pressure throughout the day, the iv drip lasted 10 hours each time. It must have worked, because our little miracle baby tured 6 today.

Wow. This post went way off subject. Well, actually, to me it didn't. Because a lot of people ask me 'how did Vicki get autism?'  And I usually tell them that it is my belief with Vicki, that there was just a perfect storm of not good stuff happening at once and it just kept building and building on itself. And that's all I have to say about that.

Before I close tonight, which I will do very, very soon, because i'm pretty tired... I just wanted to say a few things about today. 1. Vicki loves celebrating birthdays. And her teachers were so great today. Knowing today was Ally's birthday, they sent all of Vicki's homework home revolving around birthdays. Her bag book was 'Happy Birthday'. Her connect the dots math sheet was a birthday cake. And her reading/writing/coloring book was all about a birthday party. I told her to draw an ice cream (and without any picture to look at) she drew the cutest waffle cone with a great scoop of strawberry ice cream  on it, and then, of course, the cherry on top. :)  2.  Even the littest things get me nervous. I wanted to go outside in the front yard afterschool today and take a few pics of the kids by the azalea bushes that were flowering . I just kept praying and praying that Vicki would respond favorably to the little change in plans. And, today, she did. Phew.   3.  Vicki was in super silly mode this afternoon... not a good combination when I had to take her to dance class with us and she saw a little 2 year old. I want Vicki to be social with others and interact with others. But, as evident with Vicki and Ally's relationship, I'm never sure if it's a hug or a push. And she kept trying to go up to this little 2 year old and smell her hair and touch her hair and laugh and giggle and say baby. Some of that is good, some not so good. And I hate having to react even before she does to anticipate if it's going to be good or bad... 4.  Ally is a good girl. She could see that Vicki wanted to participate in the opening of Ally's presents. . And the little sister made the big sister feel very much a part of the party by asking Vic if she wanted to help unwrap her presents with Ally. and 5. I've been thinking about a song our church used to sing during Lent. We remember. We celebrate. We believe.
And that's what it's all about.