Day 19.

Vicki is so smart. She never stops surprising me. Oh what I would give to hear what she is thinking and the dialogue she has running through her mind! I bet it's phenomenal. This morning as she was getting ready for school... (we hadn't talked about what day of the week today was), she looked right at me and said, 'PE, apple juice, lunch.' And she was right... today was PE day. :)  Smart cookie. So, I guess she was looking forward to PE and lunch! Speaking of cookie, some days when she is telling me about her day, she says that she had a cookie at lunch. And then I ask her what kind? And she'll tell me chocolate chip or m and m or another type of cookie... And then I'll ask her how many cookies she had. And she'll say, 1-2-3-4-5. (Boy do I hope they were the miniature cookies!). I guess I should have asked her if they were big or little. She's starting to be pretty good with that attribute, especially if she can see something that is both big and little together. Anyway.... I do like to look for that silver lining, and here's one about Vicki... She doesn't lie. If she snuck an extra cookie, and knew that she snuck an extra cookie, when I ask her how many cookies she ate, she'll tell me the truth. Because the truth is concrete. The truth is what happened. It's nice not to have to sift through little white lies.

If I had to rate my days, I would say today was a fairly easy autism day. And then I feel guilty for saying that. Because it was 'easy' for the most part, because I chose to make it easy. (Oh, if only... I could always choose to make it easy.) I made it easy because I chose to ignore the piles upon piles of stuff I had to do. Notes I have to write. Appointments I have to schedule. Filing I have to do. Laminating I have to do. Research I have to do. Websites I should check out. Seminars I should sign up for. Blah. Blah. Blah. So, what did I do today while the kids were in school? Nothing that had to do with autism. I was working on the bar that my husband sat in the middle of our dining room last night. My hands are tired from scrubbing and polishing and refinishing. But it felt so good to do something different. Then I rearranged the furniture. And rearranged it again until I found something I liked for the dining room and office. With the mood I was in today, had I not run out of time, I probably would have gone and bought some paint to paint the kitchen.  And when Vic got home from school, it was an easy autism evening as well. And I feel guilty about that too... Ally's dance class was cancelled, so we could just hang out at home. Vic did her homework and calendar with me, and then I let her relax. I guess it's good to not have every second of every day planned out. But if I'm not doing something expressly with her, then I feel like I am being lazy. It's a minute or an hour that I lost out on a teaching opportunity with her, and I won't be able to get that hour back. Yes, I know that sounds dumb. I am her mom and I really do cherish every mommy moment I have with her too. But every minute she just keeps getting older and the bridge between where she is and where her peers are keeps widening. And then I blame myself. For not doing enough.

But.... I also know that those unscheduled moments can bring you something so beautiful it takes your breath away and before you know it tears are running down your cheek and you want to freeze time. Make it stand still for that one moment. (So, of course, I do the next best thing and grab my camera. :P )  What was that moment? Vicki asked Ally for Ally's new doll she got for her birthday. It's a little girl with brown hair and a ponytail. She said, 'Girl. Vicki. Please. Vicki.'  After we cleaned up her sentence a bit, and she asked Ally again, (and Ally said yes... wow!) Vicki took the doll and laid on the couch with her. She covered her up with her blanket and put her head on the pillow. She snuggled up with the doll and put her arm around it. She touched the doll's hair lovingly and tried to feed her a plastic egg. And she made the eating sounds that you make while pretend playing to eat. She kept looking at the doll and smiling. And then she started singing to it. It seemed like such a normal thing to do. Play mommy and little girl. But it was extraordinary.

We have one of those magnets on our fridge that has a bunch of cartoon faces on it... and you can move the little frame over the face that expresses what you are feeling... My boys tend to change the frame for me all the time. When Joey changes the frame for me, it ends up on either exhausted or overwhelmed (he knows me so well); when my husband changes the frame for me, it ends up on lovestruck (he knows me so well). :P But when I look at that magnet, I want more frames. Because I feel more than one thing at a time.
All the time.

And I was going to talk about something else tonight too, but I choose not to. Because today was my easy autism day. And what I'm thinking about it not meant for an easy autism day.  I'll tell you about it another day.