Day 10.

So I read a comment this morning. It wasn’t on my blog or sent to me, but it could have been. And quite honestly, I haven’t been able to think about anything else today. I’ve been sick to my stomach all day.

Want to know what has me torn up inside right now? DIGNITY. You know, when I started this blog, I don’t know what I wanted out of it. And I still don’t. I’ve actually just been writing that stream of thought that’s been going on in my head down on paper. And I forget that maybe a few people are reading it…  It’s been all about me, me, me. How I feel. What I want. Blah, blah, blah. It’s not been about Vicki, not really. But you know what? I can’t write down how she feels. Or what she wants. Because she can’t tell me. And that super sucks. I’ve said it before, but there are moments that I look into her eyes and I feel like I can see straight into her soul. I see tears well up in her eyes and she might not be able to tell me, But I know. And I want her to see it in my eyes. Everything I feel for her. I want her to know that she is not alone. She will never be alone. I will always be right there for her. I can’t even begin to imagine the stream of thought that goes on in her head. I want to imagine it, I want to hear it. And I hope that I am hearing it with my heart and doing everything I possibly can to help her.

I was reading about detracting from one's dignity... and I got this huge lump in my throat. In no way is that EVER what I want to do to Vicki. It had been a difficult week last week and I talked and described more than I thought I ever would. Nothing I've discussed was in any way meant to detract from Vicki's dignity. But thinking about this affected me quite a bit. I don't want what I say to change anyone's perspective of Vicki. Well, I do... because I want you to see some of the things I see in her, and celebrate the beautiful spirit that she is, but I don't, because I don't want the people who know Vicki to look at her on the street with any less dignity than before my blog. If that makes sense. I guess I just needed to say that. I'm sorry, Vicki.

Let me do a quick 180. It was a beautful spring day out. A perfect day to ride a Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like....

....You're welcome for putting that Queen song in your head :)

We took the kids out to ride bikes and we put the new, improved, sturdier training wheels on Vicki's bike. She was so excited! AND, oh my goodness.... she did amazing!!  This is the first time, EVER, that we let go of her while she was riding a bike. (She does have training wheels on... but the last set didn't really make much of a difference for her because they just weren't sturdy enough... we had to absorb about 90% of the tilt ourselves before) But these ones look good so far. I am encouraged, we were thinking we might have to go to an adult 3 wheeled bike for the added stability for Vicki... we may still have to, because the longer she rode, the more tilting it did, but we'll see...)  She looked so happy! And she really wanted to do it by herself. Just the fact that she was able to keep her feet on the pedals the whole rotation was a big improvement! And it was so cute... she started pounding on the front of her handlebars and at first I was a bit concerned, until I looked over at Ally who was honking her horn/bell. Poor Vic, I hadn't realized that her bike didn't have a horn! Off to Target tomorrow to get her one! :)   Just like when she rides horses, we found out she loves going fast on her bike too! (Daddy ran with her, and mommy had to look away, oh my nerves!) AND, she did fall. And she looks up and goes, 'ought, ohhh!!' and got right back up. That's my girl!! Then, when we got back in the car (we can't ride on our street, so we drive somewhere else...) she said very clear... Band-aid. Yep, she had skinned her knee and knew she needed a band-aid! That may seem like, so what... But it isn't. It's so great!!! There was a time when we couldn't even put a band-aid on Vicki, because it was so uncomfortable for her. She would try to rip it off, and if she would get it off, it would go straight to her mouth. Thinking of that, and how one time when she cut her finger we had to put layers upon layers of stuff on her hand and then put a glove on over top of it to try to keep her from picking at it and getting it infected. Look how far she has come! She recognized she had a boo-boo, needed a band-aid and let me put it on, and she left it on. Sometimes, when I think about things like that it puts everything in perspective for me.  

P.S. I learned from my mistake last Sunday. I didn't try to video Vicki reciting the Our Father. But, and this was so cool, when she talks about her day at night with daddy and me, and she goes through her visual schedule, she says.. 'The Lord's Prayer". And I interrupted her flow tonight and asked her to say it for me. I've never had her recite it anywhere but the table with her laminated coloring pages in front of her, and I don't usually interrupt her telling me about her day. But I did. And she was GREAT!  With just a few little prompts, it sounded like this:

"Our Favfer. who art in heaven. hallowed be thy name. thy kindom come, thy will be done, on earf as it is in heaven. Give us this day our bread. And forgive us our tresspasses as we tresspass against us (I missed that prompt...) And lead us not into temptation. But deliver us from evil A-men."

Amen. xoxo