Day 6.

So she had taken off her jammies again in the middle of the night sometime. Positive spin =  bed was clean and dry, phew. Not so positive spin = can't figure out what is prompting this behavior again, seems to be out of the blue. That's the thing with you autism. I wake up everyday with more questions, but no answers. Sometimes I just want to say... grrrrr... There, that's better. :P   I always think about things way too much.  Is she having some new sensory issue at night? Does she just not want to wear a diaper at night now? (She's in panties during the day.) Is it happening with the same pairs of pajamas? Does she like the extra attention when I keep going back into her room to take her to the bathroom? So far tonight, I've been in her room 3x to put her jammies back on. And she just went to bed an hour and a half ago. I gave her the choice tonight - I showed her panties and a diaper. And her response was, 'no diaper. no panties.' hmmm... Let's move away from the potty talk tonight.

Somthing besides potty talk... Let's see... Nope, got nothing. :) Well this was funny. Apparently, I fell asleep last night on the couch. That's not unusual. But what is, is that I fell asleep just sitting on the couch.  I woke up sometime in the middle of the night, opened my eyes and realized that I had been sleeping, and then thought, that's funny, I'm sitting up. Most of the time when I fall asleep, I'm snuggling by the armrest, or full out laying down with some pillows. Nope. This time I was just sitting up. And I thought, hmmm, that's funny- I'm surprised I didn't tip over.

I love Wednesdays. Why? Because we are just cruisin through the week, and we're making it. I love Wednesdays because Vicki loves Wednesdays. Vicki loves Wednesdays because it's horseback riding day!! It seems like she's finally starting to put the days of the week together and has an idea of how things flow and what we do each day. Sometimes the first thing I hear when I go get her up on Wednesday mornings, is an excited squeal coming from underneath her covers. Then she jumps out of bed and runs to the bathroom to get ready all giddy saying YES! horseback riding!! On Wednesdays, I braid her hair in 2 side braids; this is the best hairstyle I have found for wearing her riding helmet. So, when I start braiding her hair, it solidifies that it is in fact Wednesday and she is riding a horse afterschool. There is nothing better than being in Vicki's presence when she is happy.

Emotions have always been tricky for Vicki. Hey that rhymes. :P Anyway, her emotions can be inappropriate at times. She'll laugh when someone gets hurt or is crying. (I think that she would love The Three Stooges, but there's no way I'm showing that show to her. Did I mention that she is very good at copying and imitating? Positive = it's a great way to teach her desirable skills. Not so positive = imitating not so positive skills....) She'll cry at random times. And every mother can distinguish their childrens different types of crys. Before I became a mom, I had not realized how many different types of crys there were! Now, I'm pretty good at knowing a fake cry when I hear one. It's those times when it sounds genuine that get to me the most... She can't tell me what is wrong. And that kills me. And it seems so random. And then other times it doesn't seem so random, and those times I really feel like somewhere deep down, she is crying because she knows. I honestly don't want to cry tonight, so I will stop there, maybe I'll pick up this thought another night.

But when she is happy, it's like you take your average amount of happiness and then give it steroids. That's how happy she is on Wednesday mornings. You know how sometimes when you are happy, you kind of contain and restrain your happiness the wants to bubble over the surface because you are worried that people might look at you funny? Vicki just lets it bubble all over the surface. She'll start jumping up and down and clapping her hands. You can't do anything but smile when you see her that happy.

We've tried many different things for Vicki over the years. (I would mention all of them now, but this is a 30 day blog, not a multiyear blog.) Some things have been better than others.  Therapeutic horseback riding definately gets a double thumbs up from me. Vicki doesn't attend your typical 'summer camps'. She spends a great deal of her summer in therapies and in extended school year services. We throw lots of therapies at her and she does it all. She is honestly the hardest working person I know. What takes another child 10 minutes to pick up and remember, might take her 10 months or years to hook onto. So, last summer, I just needed to take a break and so did Vicki.  I shifted gears a bit and looked into different ways to achieve some of the same results. So we started therapeutic horseback riding. I had always wondered how Vicki would respond to horses, especially after reading some books by Temple Grandin and sitting in on a lecture of hers. (I got so excited to meet her, I had her sign one of her books to Vicki. That's kinda odd, huh? But I cherish that book, so maybe it's not that odd.) Vicki has always loved animals and some of the programs we do with her to get her to speak involve animals... she's always been good at naming animals and telling you what sound they make, and acting out what an animal does - one of my favorite is Vicki's impression of a monkey. So when we started horseback riding last summer, I was ecstatic that she seemed to respond very favorably to the horse. She rides Tiger Lily (the other day she completed a dot-to-dot and colored it brown and said 'Tiger Lily'!) and has been making nice progress. It's great to see her so happy on the horse. She even turns around and rides facing backwards while brushing the horse. Her favorite part of the lesson, besides the trail ride, is when the horse gallops with her. (They are inside for this, I don't know the technical name for anything horse related, but just wanted to let you know that it's 'fenced in'. Phew. Or I would be freaking out thinking Vicki would gallop away on her Tiger Lily.)  Anyway, her instructor is an amazing person and when the horse gallops she hums and sings a little tune to Vicki. And I love watching Vicki bounce around and laugh and smile. Her instructor always says, 'Ah, Vicki, my girl. Come give me a hug.' when she sees her. And one Wednesday morning when Vicki was especially excited, she bounded down the stiars and said, 'Vicki. My girl.' :)  She was ready.

One other thing I want to touch on tonight... I've mentioned before, that it's been an especially hard week for Ally. Vicki  has been tormenting her baby sister quite a bit this week. I know sisters fight. But when these sisters fight it's just not okay. I kind of wonder if Vicki's aggression towards Ally has increased as of late because we are still increasing Vic's dosage of her new anti-seizure medicine to reach her therapeutic dose. I'll just keep watching it and see... Anyway. It just makes me so sad and I feel so torn. These 2 little girls are both my beautiful babies. I want to protect each one of them. And when Vicki becomes aggressive and pushes Ally, sometimes I just get so mad.  Sometimes I feel like she knows exactly what she is doing and that she is trying to be mean. Other times, I feel like she is just not there and doesn't comprehend the consequences of her actions. And on the other hand, man my momma bear instincts come out and I want to do everything I can to protect Ally. I am struggling with this so much right now. And it just comes at the most random of moments. I think she's going over to give Ally a hug and then she pushed her and I can't react fast enough. That's what happened today at the horse barn and I caught Ally just before her head it the concrete. She was crying again. I'm sure it shocks and scares her and her little bony bum just doesn't absorb that fall as well as mine would... And something I didn't tell Ally tonight... I think Vicki stepped on her backpack (not maliciously, it was just in the way when she was getting in the van...) When I opened up Ally's folder, I found her pencil that she got today for her 'Citizenship Award'--- and it's a special pencil  that even said 'Citizenship Award' on it --- broken in two... Think I'm going to try some magic replacement begging to Ally's teacher on this one...  She got this award because she is such a 'good friend to others and always listens to and follows the rules in the classroom and in school.' (Pause for yippi!! good job Ally!! moment). And Ally totally deserves that award. Because even after Vicki pushed her today, she wanted to share her french fries with Vicki afterward, because she loves her sister. She lets go of it and just keeps loving Vicki. Awww.... I'll leave you tonight with a funny (again, paraphrased) conversation between Ally and Vicki in the van after stopping for drive-thru chick-fil-a for dinner...
A: (pretty much full from her meal, and knowing that Vicki is still hungry after finishing her meal... as evident from Vicki asking for more food again and again. ) Vicki, do you want a french fry?
V: yes. french fry.
  (vicki holds out her hand to me...)
A: no. Vicki. Ally's french fry.
V: yes. french fry.Ally.
A:  it was my french fry (trying to get vicki to look back at her so she can hand vicki a fry)
V: no. It's mine.
A: no. it was mine. Ally's fry.
V: Vicki's fry.
A: no. Ally's fry.
V: yes. Vicki's fry.

I felt like I was watching the cutest Abbot and Costello show ever. And that's it for tonight. xoxo
PS. I was looking at the layout of my blog and realized, man, I sure do use long paragraphs. So, I was trying to figure out how to make the blog more readable, I kept losing my place while trying to read it. Did you know that if you press enter, it separates the paragraphs and adds a little space between them! wow! I hope that helps it seem a little less, word vomit-like tonight - I've also realized that I write how I talk and it pretty much never makes sense and I am not sure if I ever finish a complete thought. And, I really use the word and a lot! So, what I'm trying to say, is --- thanks for reading this!!! :)