Day 24.

What a beautiful Easter! Did you ever notice that it seems like every Good Friday it rains and every Easter Sunday it's sunny out?  Today was a day filled with love and thankfulness, and bubbles and chalk, and sun and flowers, and egg hunts and chocolate eating, and great family and great food. This is the day that the Lord has made, let us be glad and rejoice!  

Vicki loves holidays. She claps her hands, and jumps up and down and spins around. She smiles a lot. Just in case you were wondering, she checked her schedule this morning, saw the bunny basket on it, and ran down the stairs. No shower. No problem. She loves chocolate. And she loves lollipops. And she loves marshmallows... Oh the sugar shock! I loved seeing her at the egg hunt today running around scrambling for eggs with other children her age. Even though daddy had to go in with her and help guide her, she knew what she was doing. They hid real hard-boiled eggs. :)  Fun. And grandma and pappy did an egg hunt for the kids today too. It was funny--Vicki took her basket and as Joey and Ally were hunting for eggs, she was raiding their baskets, picking up their chocolates and putting them in her basket. :)  Thatta girl! (Yes, we made her give them back...) She had her pink bunny ears and bunny necklace on almost all day today. We had on 'The King of Kings' today and tonight at bedtime Vicki said 'The Lord's Prayer Movie'. It does my heart good.

I've noticed that thinking about Jesus' death and resurrection makes me think more about my own mortality and that of my family. And what it means to sacrifice. How much am I willing to sacrifice for autism? Nothing. But I would sacrifice everything for my Vicki. My Joey. My Ally. My husband. My parents. How much do my children sacrifice because of autism? How much does my husband sacrifice? How much does Vicki sacrifice?

I feel very blessed that I still have my parents with me on this earth. How much have they sacrificed for me over the years? When they visit, I just want to soak up everything. And I feel very blessed that they could spend Easter here with us.  I treasure all of the moments. The looks. The talks. The food. :)  The little moments when I see pappy put his arm around Vicki. Or grammie coloring a page in the coloring book with Ally. Or Joey and pappy looking through the photo book I made pappy for Christmas with pictures of the kids at his camp. Or grammie just being my mommy. There are so many things I want to say. So many things I'm afraid to say. So often I want time to stand still.

Are you afraid of death? I am. I don't want this post tonight to be morbid... I just want to talk about things that I am sometimes afraid to think about or afraid to say. So i just push it aside. If I don't deal with it, then it won't happen, right? I am afraid to die. Because  if , when I die, what happens to my children? What happens to Vicki? My husband and I have gone to many workshops about guardianship, about letters of intent, about what to do as we get older and Vicki gets older.

Vicki is not a burden. No to me, not to my husband, not to her brother or sister. Not to her family. Not to her teachers. Not to her therapists. I know that. But one thing I am scared sh*tless of, is what happens when I die? I could die tomorrow or the next day, or when I am 90. But someday I will die. And what happens to Vicki then? Who will want her? Wanting her and being able to take care of her are two very different things. Will she become a burden to someone? I don't want to ever think about it, but I always think about it. I've always said that I live for what she accomplishes today. But what about tomorrow? Where will she be tomorrow? Not just physically. Not just emotionally. Not just financially. But everything. And how will anyone know what she needs? What comforts her? What scares her? What she dreams of? What she loves? Heck, I don't even know sometimes.... because she can't tell me. But I can feel it. Will someone else be able to feel it? Will someone else know that she likes the blue strip of her rainbow comforter by her head and her pink strip by her feet at bedtime? Will someone else know that she always holds her ears right before she pees? Will someone else know that she is genuinely afraid of puppets? Or that she doesn't like mushrooms on her pizza and if she gets one she will pop it in your mouth before you know it even happened. Or that she has something amazing to offer to everyone she meets.

Well, I think I'm done talking about this for tonight. Here's a part of one of my all-time favorite songs... Does this song bring back vacation bible school memories for any of you? :)  xoxo

If I were a wiggly worm
I'd thank you Lord that I could squirm
If I were a fuzzy, wuzzy bear
I'd thank you Lord for my fuzzy, wuzzy hair
If I were a crocodile
I'd thank you Lord for my great smile
But I just thank you Father for
making me, me
For you gave me a heart and you gave me a smile
You gave me Jesus and you made me your child
And I just thank you Father for making me, me
Uh-huh!!