Day 3. Year 5.

I never really know what I'm going to write about until I sit down. Sometimes it's just something that happens during the day that gets me thinking.... Today it was hearing "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers on the radio. Yes, I am going to admit this... The Gambler is one of my all time favorite songs. :) I know every single word of it. And I'm pretty sure that I sound amazing singing it. (Ha! You know how there are just some songs that my you feel like you can really sing? This song is one of those for me.)  I'm not sure what it is about this song that really speaks to me. Maybe it's the fact that when I was growing up a lot of people told my Dad that he looked like Kenny Rogers. Maybe it's because I made a mixed tape when I was young for my Dad to listen to as we were driving up to our camp on the weekends and this song was on it.... I still get shivers on my arms when I really listen to these words. So, just in case you have no idea what I am talking about.... here's a bit of the lyrics:

You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done

Every gambler knows
That the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away
And knowin' what to keep
'Cause every hand's a winner
And every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for is to die
in your sleep

I'm not sure what this song has to do with my post tonight. :) Wait. Of course I do. This song is about behavior. And behavior is something I think of all. of. the. time. I am not a behavioral analyst, I don't have a degree in it. Heck, I know that I don't even parent with the basics of behavior in mind sometimes. Someone could analyze every move I make and just shudder. And some probably do. ;)

I talk about Vicki's behavior so much. We have meeting upon meeting upon meeting.We look at behavior plans. We look at the functions of her behaviors. We look for appropriate reinforcers.  We look at the data. Look for the extinction burst. And so on and so forth. I wonder sometimes how many hours per week I spend talking about Vicki's behavior. The numbers, I'm sure, are mind-blowing.

I see behaviors with Vicki one day... and the next week they are gone. Then that same behavior resurfaces again 2 years later. I could go on and on about behaviors... how difficult of a study Vicki is. She's tricky. Tricky Vicki. Some days I feel like there are a zillion functions for a single behavior of hers. She is a brilliant young girl. I never underestimate her.

This is meant to be a very generic post tonight. I don't want to get heavy into behaviors right now... because to be quite honest, this past year has been one of the most challenging in dealing with certain behaviors. I have cried myself to sleep on many occasions. More than I care to admit. It's hard to watch. It's hard to live through. It's just hard.

Sigh... what's my point? Well, as I was listening to the song tonight... it made me think about the battles I pick. And the behaviors I choose to fight day in and day out. I know when to fold 'em. I know when to walk away. And I know when to run.
Don't we do that with all of our kids in general? Maybe I don't fight with my 14 year old wearing shorts when it's 35 degrees outside anymore... Maybe I let my youngest get away with something that I know I should take a stand on... And with Vicki, it's so hard to be 'on' all of the time. When you put a behavior plan into place... it should be followed for every instance of that behavior. I'll be honest. Maybe I'm weak. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I just want a break. Maybe I just need to give our family an easy night. Maybe I should have held them, but instead I folded.  

It's funny... today wasn't a particularly challenging behavior day. (Phew). But it was just on my mind for some reason. Every thing Vicki does is on my mind. Pretty much all of the time. I constantly ask myself 'why?' What is she doing that for? Why did she start doing this? How do I help her? What can we do? Some days I worry so much about her just sitting down because I am never sure if I can get her to stand back up again.

Anyway.... Every hand is a winner. And every hand is a loser. The best that I hope for is to get a smile on her face. xoxo