Day 2. Year 5.

I really wanted tonight's post to be long and meaningful and beautiful. I had it all planned out.  But, it's not going to be any of that tonight. Sorry. :( I will save that for a day when I can type without significant pain.) Yes, I am silly. In between our many after school activities today... from weight training at the high school for Joe, to guitar practice, soccer practice, and a book fair for Ally, and the post office, grocery store, exercises, picnic dinner watching Ally play soccer and a visit to the book fair at Vicki's old school for Vicki... I ended up tripping on a step and landed on my knee and outstretched wrist. It hurts more the older you get! Sheesh. My wrist is aching something fierce tonight and typing does not feel great. I did get a splint for it, and the doctor said the x-rays showed no fracture on my wrist, just a sprain. Phew.

Anyway... I will change my focus of this post tonight.... to talk about one of my biggest fears.... and that is the fear of me not being able to take care of Vicki. It scares me to the core. What happens if something ever happens to me? I know I'm not the only one who can do things for Vicki. But, I am the one who can do them the best. Am I conceited? Nope. Not at all. We all know our own children better than anyone else knows them.

I know Vicki. I know Vicki like the back of my hand. Ouch. Silly me. It hurts to turn my wrist right now. ;)

I know that the world wouldn't stop spinning if something happened to me. But I do think that Vicki's world would spin slower. When I got a stomach virus in January and was really sick one morning, Daddy took over Mommy duties. All the kids were thrown off. Especially Vicki. I did shower with her and get her dressed... and I did her medicine because no one else has done those things in years... but me. But when Daddy went to take her to school... she cried. And cried. And cried. And when she got to school the teachers told me that she sat on the floor for over an hour and cried and said Mommy.

I know that Vicki needs to be able to accept alternatives and changes in routines... But I also know that by having the consistency of me... it helps her. At least I hope it does. It helps lessen her anxiety. I know that she likes the blue stripe on her bed blanket closest to her head and the pink stripe by her feet. I know that she has a particular order she gets dressed in in the morning... I know what she means when she says certain phrases.

Especially since her Panda's diagnosis (3 years ago now! wow...) I have stepped up even more in Vicki's day to day tasks... Is that good? No. Not all of the time. Every day for 3 years I have showered with her in the morning to get her to go through her daily care routine. Every night for the past 3 years I have been the last person she sees at night before she goes to sleep. Is she dependent on me? Absolutely. Am I dependent on her? You bet.

I'm sorry. I've about hit my max tonight. Such an anticlimactic post. Such is life. Life always throws us curve balls. It's how we catch them that determines our strength at playing the game. Love you all. xo