Day 1. Year 5.

Happy April! Here we go again.!!! 2 thoughts right off the bat.... yes, I was horrible last year, never finished my 30 days because I just couldn't talk about a lot of stuff. And I was trying to play catch up a few weeks ago, because I don't like to just let things go.  But, do we ever really catch up? So, I'm just starting fresh. Day 1. And second thought: 5 years!!! I can't believe it's been 5 years since I started this blog. So much has happened. I started this when Vicki was 8 years old. She's 12 now. . Wow.  And guess what?  I'm getting older too... I was 36 when I started writing this. I'm 40 now. My point: I bet I repeat myself a lot. You probably hear the same stories, the same complaints, the same issues. I can't remember what we had for dinner last night anymore. Ha! So, forgive me if I said the same thing last week, or last year. ;) I feel a lot of the same feelings day after day. So I write about them. All of the time.

I always have trouble diving into a new year of writing. Where do I start? What do I say? I figured I would start with today. That's as good of a place as any.

Today I want to talk about Vicki's Voice.

I always get butterflies in my tummy the morning of April 1. And not the good kind. The kind that makes me think... why do I do this? Why when I live autism day in and day out do I make the choice to consume myself with writing about it too.? I see my posts and think... why do people want to see that? I change my profile picture to "April is Autism Awareness Month" and I feel like I can hear the groans from people... oh, not again. Why doesn't she just shut up about it? I think the same things.

And then I sit down and really think about why I am writing. It's therapy for me. It takes me out of the moment and lets me look at things from afar for a second. You know when grandparents haven't seen their grand-kids for a while and they say, "My how they have grown." But you don't see it, because you see them everyday. They just look like they did yesterday to you. Well, that's kind of what it feels like to me with writing about Vicki. I talk about the same things day in and day out. Vicki struggles with the same things today that she struggled with 5 years ago. Things come and go. And we revisit so many old issues... Honestly, it gets depressing. But that's what I'm talking about.

I stepped back this morning and really looked at Vicki. I was thinking about her talking. And I wrote down everything she spontaneously said to me from the time she got up til the time she went to school today.  Here it is, Vicki's Voice:

"Women Bathroom. Lamp off. Wait. Wait. April Fool's Day. Smell the strawberry. Smell banana vanilla. No. No. Make yellow. Vicki Deodorant. Smell the apple. Smell the coconut. Mom. Clean glasses. Soft Layse. Medicine. Socks and Shoes Please. Mom make the smoothie. Raspberry and 5 strawberries. Mom crumb. Mom. Crumb. Throw away. Windy. Bye Mom. Love you. Teeth. Eeee. Smell my hair."

That to me is beyond beautiful. It's simply amazing. It's Vicki's Voice. She doesn't need to say a lot to say a lot. But she says so much. She tells me so much by telling me what she is telling me and what she isn't telling me. Wow, I don't know if that made any sense. :)

So, that's it for today. I don't want to write so much today, that I  have nothing to say the next 29 days... and can't make it so long that you won't want to finish reading it. ;) If you are still with me, thanks!!

If there is one piece of advice that I can offer, it's.... listen to your child. Really listen to your child. It's amazing what you can hear. A voice is such a beautiful luxury. Love you all! xoxo