I'm going to apologize for a few things upfront. First, I am sorry that I haven't finished up my 30 days (in April) in a timely manner. So many life things have gotten in the way this year. I've started multiple posts but haven't been able to finish them, either because of circumstances or because I couldn't dig deep enough mentally to finish them. If you just stick with me, I promise I will get there this year. :) And second, I had decided a few days ago to give up on some of the tougher posts and do a lighthearted one. I love talking about Vicki's accomplishments. BUT, this is not that lighthearted post either. This is me. Ranting. And being frustrated. And being angry. And having a pity party for myself. I apologize ahead of time for it... But right now, at this moment... I need to write this. For me.
Why does everything have to be so planned? So hard? So scheduled? I get so sick of having to do it. Now I'm not a very spontaneous person in general. I like order and things flowing well. And I understand that to be organized and have things flow the way you want them to takes time. Time to plan. But right now.... I am so frustrated. And here is where I am going to hold my breath and stomp my feet. Why does every. single. thing. have to be so damn hard? Every. Single. Thing.
All I wanted was to have a fun Friday. Ally has been conspiring all week to have a friend over today. So it was all planned out. Her friend is going to ride home with us after school. We would swing by home quickly and have Vicki take her medicine and then we would go to see Rio 2 at the movie theater. Vicki's behavioral specialist was set to accompany us. Done. Easy peasy. At least in theory.
Well, apparently there was miscommunication with the company we work with. And although it was a go last night, I was misinformed. It was not decided that the specialist would accompany us to the movies. I got the phone call a little while ago saying that they couldn't do that. They could come up and give her a social story and then leave. And then leave me with Vicki and Ally and her friend at the movies. Well, now they are not even doing that. And I have been sitting here for the last hour crying like a baby. Yes, I know it's ridiculous. There is no reason to cry over a movie. But it runs so much deeper than that. This rant isn't about a movie. It's about life. Life with autism. As much as I want to say things are all rainbows and hearts and flowers. It's not. Sometimes things just suck. And it affects everybody.
I have no idea what I am going to do about the movie today. I tried to get in touch with my husband at work to see if he could come home early and go with us. Leave work for a movie. It sounds so stupid. Maybe I could just chance it and hope that Vicki is 'on' today. I may try to take my son and see if he could watch the girls in the theater if something goes wrong with Vicki. And I don't have an aide that can work today. There are still options. But they all make me nervous. And the last thing I want to do is not go to the movies. Not only would Vicki be upset with the change in her schedule. I think she really wants to see Rio 2, but also I would have 2 little girls who were looking forward to today... very, very disappointed. And it shouldn't be this hard to take my kids and a friend to the movies.
I'm sure a lot of it is me. I know it is. But with autism, and with Vicki... and life in general... you just can't predict anything. Things may go perfectly well today. And things may go horribly wrong today. I guess that's with anyone or anything in life. But with Vicki.... I feel like I draw on past occurrences a lot. I know what has happened when I have had 2 aides with me going to the movies, and it has been difficult with 2 other sets of hands. And I know that if my husband is there, things always go smoother. It's Daddy. What if she? What happens then?
But one of the things that is really starting to bother me is that I feel like I can't do anything by myself anymore with the kids. And that's really hard for me to admit. I can't go anywhere with just me and the kids. I need someone. I need my husband. I need an aide. I need a behavioral specialist. Maybe I am just so scared anymore. Because I know what has happened in the past, and I know what could happen. And I can't handle those things by myself. But then again, it could go perfectly. Who knows. I feel like I just need somebody to hold my hand and be there for the what if's... and I know that's not fair either. But until you've had a child who throws themselves down in the middle of the street or parking lot and won't get up and you can't lift them up anymore... it's hard to say not to worry. And there are other things too....
I understand where companies come from too, I really do, even thought it's hard when they say they are sorry for the inconvenience. I am so jaded sometimes. I love a good social story. I love a good behavioral plan. I love goals. I love data. But sometimes that's just not enough. The data is skewed. What looks like it will work on paper won't work in real time. There are always other variables that you can't account for. That's just life. And they are only here for x amount of hours x days a week. What about the rest?
Sigh. I think I ran out of steam. I think that's it for me for now. I'm done crying. I'm done stomping my feet. I REALLY REALLY appreciate you reading this and listening to my crazy rant. I will file my feelings away for the moment and hope that something amazing happens and we can all go to the movies. What a victory that would be. For me. We shall see.
You know, a good rhyme always helps. :)
Love you all. xoxo
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