Day 15. Year 4.

This might be hard for you to imagine. But I like to talk. A lot. I talk fast. I talk loud. I talk. And talk. And talk. I do like a little bit of quiet time... but not too much of it. We always have the radio on, or an air purifier going, or a fan on. It's never completely quiet in my house, or in my head. When we stay at a hotel, I make sure we have a white noise machine of some sort on in the background. I like background noise and so do my kids. That's probably the hardest thing for us when the power goes out. It's so eerily silent in each of our bedrooms. And it's really hard for me to go to sleep without noise. The quiet is very deafening to me.

Along those same lines, breaks in conversations are difficult for me to handle too. I always feel that I need to fill up the dead air space with words. Or I need to entertain, make someone laugh or smile... whatever it is... a quiet silence can be uncomfortable for me.

Why am I talking about this tonight? Because we are working right now with some specialists on behavioral modification stuff with Vicki. Taking data on the time it takes to complete a task. All of that good ABC data collection. To try to figure out what the function of the behavior is. What Vicki is getting or not getting out of it.  For example, we are timing how long it takes for Vicki to eat her yogurt after school. I'm not sure of the exact numbers but things vary from day to day... sometimes it takes Vicki 15 minutes, sometimes it takes her an hour to eat her yogurt. The specialist notes if we say anything to Vicki, if we prompt her in any way, or if something is reinforcing her that we aren't aware of. Does she like the attention, or the texture, or is she just stalling, avoiding the next activity on her visual schedule?

With as much as I've learned over the years about behavior, you would think I would be a pro at this kind of stuff. Not hardly. Like I've said before, it all sounds good on paper... BUT... it's one thing to experience it with Vicki for an hour a day, it's quite another thing to experience it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Sometimes I just want to speed it up. Sometimes I just feel like I know exactly what my daughter wants/needs and I want to give it to her. So badly. I want to say, 'Vicki is a good girl." because that's what she wants to hear. I know that because Vicki tells me that... She'll say, 'Mom turn. (to look at her). Mom, Vicki good girl. Mom. Vicki good girl."  And sometimes I know that if I say that to her, then she will take that first bite of yogurt and that hour time will decrease. But I can't be sure of that. Sometimes that doesn't work. Then I am back at square one. And it takes hours.

So I was talking about talking because it's so hard for me not to talk. To let the time go. To not prompt Vicki through something. To let the time go itself so we get some true data readings. It's so hard for me to sit there beside Vicki in silence. While she looks at me and repeats over and over again. 'Mom... Vicki good girl. Vicki good girl.' I want so badly to give her that reinforcement that she is craving. I have a tendency to repeat questions/requests if they aren't followed the first time. You know.... 'Joe.... come here please. Joe, can you come here for a second? . Joe... come here!!!!!!!!!!! Jooooooeeeee! What the h*ll are you doing??? ARGGGGGGHHHH... You know, right? :)

So when the quiet has to happen for Vicki... when I give her the one request/demand... it is so hard for me not to repeat it again and again. To wait. I am not a patient person. Waiting is hard. And to wait and not talk... yowza. That kills me.

One day I sent my husband an email. And he sent me a response... he said that he could have said what I said in my email to him in 3 words. I went back and counted my email... it was 68 words. And today I had Joe send a text to someone for me. It took him forever to send it... granted, I think my text was close to 30 words... and after he sent it, he looked at me and said, "You know mom, all you had to do was say, 'Yes. Mango.' Two words Mom. Two words. :)  I see a theme developing here....

Maybe I should take a cue from Vicki. She doesn't waste words. She says what she needs to say. Say what you need to say. She doesn't need to use all the fluffy words I write with. I thin k about that all the time.
Reminds me of that song that cam out when I was in high school...  More than words. By Extreme.

What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words 

Vicki is so much more than words. And it takes her to tell me to slow down. Wait. Stop talking. Listen to the quiet, because it speaks volumes. xo