I am 2 days behind. Yikes. I need to get back into a groove time to write. I think I've written too much on my daily Lent posts that I feel like I am overwhelming everyone with lots of me thoughts.;)
So you know how I was telling you a little about Vicki's difficult day on Friday? Well, Saturday morning as I was getting her up, she was sobbing yet again. :( I wish I could just let it go. And not try to figure out why she is crying... I know that I will probably never know. And that's too hard for me to accept some days. Sometimes there is no answer. We just cry. Who knows what triggers it. Vicki's going to be 12 in a few weeks, that's a hard time in any young girl's life.
I have a horrible character flaw... I am a people pleaser. I always want to make people happy. I don't ever want to pick a fight, I don't ever want to make things difficult. I just want to make people happy and make people smile. Same goes with how I feel with my kiddos, which does not bode well for me winning any parenting awards. I understand that sometimes we have to just let things be. We have to accept that we are not always going to be happy. There will be disappointment. There will be sadness. There will be arguments. And that's ok. I understand that sometimes we have to make decisions that don't make everybody happy. BUT... sometimes with Vicki, sometimes that is so hard. I never really know why she is crying. Is it medical? Is it hormonal? Is it because she is sad? Because she misses someone? Or, just because?
One of the things that makes me sad is wondering what Vicki is thinking sometimes... seeing a look in her eyes that I just can't explain. She understands way more than I give her credit for. Does she have an idea of what the word autism means? Does she want to tell me something? I see all of those articles and lists that are posted... Top 10 things people with autism wish you knew. What autism is, what autism is not. And I think... how do you know? How does anyone know? The only person who completely understands the depth of what autism is to Vicki, is Vicki. I wish with all my heart sometimes that Vicki doesn't know. I try to find the silver lining in autism so often, I think... thank goodness that Vicki is immune to all of the social nuances and standards that bog down a person. It doesn't matter to Vicki who is sitting next to whom at the lunch table. It doesn't matter to Vicki that she wasn't picked first for a game in gym class. BUT, how the heck do I know that? I don't. Maybe things that I think she is unaware of, she is very aware of but can't tell me. Maybe she picks up cues here and there and then lays down at night to try to process it all and doesn't understand.
So, so often when Vicki is crying... I would give anything to comfort her and make her sadness and pain go away. What matters to Vicki? What REALLY matters to Vicki? I think I have ideas sometimes, but I'm not sure. And when Vicki is having a really difficult day, and she can't stop crying. And her OCD is taking control of her in ways that I can't even fathom... I just want to give in and give anything to her. Because so often it seems that my love and my comfort isn't enough. It makes me want to say, 'OK Vicki... you can watch "cartoon 4" which is a DVD that she has been obsession over for the past month or so... It's become such an obsession that some days she can't stop asking for it. She will say "Vicki cartoon 4. cartoon 4. cartoon 4. cartoon 4. cartoon 4. Vicki cartoon 4......" for hours. And here I am trying to be a people pleaser again. All I want to do is give her cartoon 4. Why not? She's sad. She's crying. She likes cartoon 4. It makes her happy. She asked for it. But you can't always get your child that piece of candy in the check out line. Sometimes you may want to, just to make them happy. Or more so, sometimes, just to make them quiet. Because after hours and hours of "Vicki cartoon 4..." I have to admit, it gets annoying. It can grate on your very last nerve. Eventually the requests lessen, at least for that moment. And I feel like, woo hoo... I won. BUT, it never feels like a win to me.
Anyway, I'm not sure I had a point at all to my writing this morning. But thanks for listening. I will leave you with another obsession in our household over the past few months. It takes on new meaning when I think about Vicki and autism. xoxo
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the queen.
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know...
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