Well, today is April 30, the last day of autism awareness month. And today is the 15th post I've made this month. Half of the 30 I had wanted to write. That's not too bad. I have to say I'm enjoying writing again and am not really ready to stop. Since autism never stops in our house, if you are game, I'd like to finish my "30 days" this year. If you don't mind reading more of my dribble in the month of May, I figure that I can get the other 15 days done by the end of May. Pretty decent goal for me. And a pretty busy month ahead, so plenty of stuff to write about.
Maybe this year I just really need to 'finish' something. You know? And in my mind, if I 'finish' 30 days of writing, I will have accomplished something. At the beginning of April, I talked about how I love puzzles and maybe one of the reasons is because it gives me such satisfaction to complete one. Same thing here. Not that I am ever done talking. {ha} But it's something. And with all of the uncertainty and unanswered questions, circling around and around again, figuratively chasing our tails to help Vicki, it helps me. With all of the tests recently {the upper endoscopy and colonoscopy}, it's beyond frustrating to me that we still really have no answers. And that's hard for me to swallow.
Some days it just hits me like a tidal wave. I'm always thinking about goals for Vicki, and what we need to focus on. And what I would do to be able to talk to Vicki about her own goals, and what she wants to focus on. Every time I think about that, I get a lump in my throat. Sometimes I just crave reassurance so much, from Vicki. Reassurance from her that I am advocating for her what she needs. That I am focusing on her goals. That I am thinking about what she wants and desires in life.
Vicki was crying last night. Quite a bit. And it rips my heart out every time. The sheer pain in her eyes. Is it physical pain? Is it sadness? Is it loneliness? God, I want to know. And I also don't want to know. You know?
I know that I sound like a broken record. But all I want for her is to be happy. To enjoy life. To feel loved. To feel safe. Isn't that what we all want? And I know it's not an easy task. Everyone climbs their own mountains every day.
Some days, though, I know Vicki is telling me things. She might squeeze my hand a little harder. She might let out a pelt of laughter and even though I don't know what's funny, I join in. Because her laughter is music to my soul. Every night when I tuck her in, she says, "Momma, wrap it around burrito." So, I tuck her in tight and give her a big squeeze. At that moment, I know she feels safe. And then there are moments when she looks at me. Like, really, looks at me. And I know this is stupid, but I have tears streaming down my face right now as I am thinking about those moments. She says more to me in those moments with her eyes that I could fill up on paper, that I could fill up with verbal conversations. I know it may sound corny. But she is telling me so much in the gaze, I never want to look away. It gives me goosebumps. It gives me hope. And it gives me peace. And it helps me to get up every day and climb my own mountain. Much love to you all. xoxo
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