Good morning. Sometimes I think about what I want to write randomly throughout the day. But then when I sit down, that stuff just doesn't want to come out. Some days I just want to be super honest. Today's one of those days.
I know I should be {and I am} grateful for all of the blessings in my life. And I should focus on the positive {and I do, or at least I try to}. But some days, you are just sad, you know? And maybe feel sorry for yourself a little too much. Have a full-fledged pity party for yourself. And I couldn't shake that this weekend. So last night I went to bed, thinking,.... It's a new week, a fresh start, get your head back in the game.
I woke up this morning, grateful as always, to see another day. I may have a few more kinks in my body as it ages, {ugg, I slept on my neck wrong the other night and still can't turn my head without it hurting, and ugg, stupid sciatica acting up, my whole left side butt to foot hurts, and boo, my stupid right knee, and leg from dislocations and my blood clot 2 years ago} but nothing that a few ice packs {well, a whole ice bath would be nice}, a bit of time just for myself, and a fresh cup of coffee can't improve.
I thought about how lucky I am, Mark and I have 3 amazing kiddos. I love my family and I love my life. And there is nothing more fulfilling to me than being their mom and being Mark's wife. Easter was a bit quieter this year. And maybe that's part of what got me sad. We are a very close-knit family. We do a lot of stuff together. And Mark and I have always been grateful that the kids seem to want to hang around us and do things together. Vicki has always liked the number 5. She counts a lot of stuff and will ask for 5 of certain things all the time. For example, 5 grapes... 5 pieces of sweet and sour chicken from the Chinese place we order from, 5 meatballs on top of her spaghetti. I always wonder if she loves the number 5 so much because it brings her comfort. And makes her feel safe. Why? Because when we do anything, go anywhere, she always says, "Mommy, Daddy, Joey, Vicki, Ally". 5 people. Her family. I like to think we make her feel safe and secure.
I knew this year would be a hard year because 5 became 4 for a lot of things. As much as I want to slow down the process, I can't stop it. And my babies are growing up. It seems like it was just last year that we were making cute Easter crafts, counting down the days until we could color eggs and go see the Easter Bunny, attend an Easter egg hunt... And this year Joe started college, and he's not here for a lot of things. And I miss him. And Mark misses him. And Ally misses him. And Vicki, she misses him. The last few years have been hard and it was difficult to get Vicki in and out of the car, so I bought Joe an Easter Bunny costume, and he dressed up, hopped around, and took pictures with Vicki and Ally. He brought a lot of joy and smiles to a lot of people wearing that costume. He would stand at the bottom of our driveway and wave at the cars driving by. So many people would honk and wave. They would circle back around smiling and laughing, and many people would get out and ask him for a selfie. People walking their dogs would stop and ask for a picture with the Easter Bunny. But this year, the bunny was conspicuously missing. Joe has finals next week, and it just didn't make sense for him to come home for Easter this year. All of his friends were staying at school too, so at least he wasn't alone. I packed up his Easter basket and sent it in the mail to him. We gave serious thought to driving up to school and have Mark knock on his dorm room door in the bunny suit. But we didn't. We loosened our grip a little bit and let him grow up some. Maybe that's why I was sad for some of the weekend. I've done pretty good with him being away at college, but this was our first big holiday without him. It happens to everyone. I just wasn't quite ready.
But it's okay. The girls and I tried out a different way to color Easter eggs, with rice. Vicki actually did well adapting to the change, and for a minute she enjoyed shaking the bag of rice up with the egg in it. The eggs turned out super cute, had a speckled look to them, and it made for very easy clean up. And Ally put on some bunny ears and hid eggs outside for Vicki to find this year. One thing I've loved seeing is the deepening and maturing relationship that Ally and Vicki have come to throughout this transition year. {Tomorrow I will focus on that newly deepening sister bond}.
So, I'm sure Joe not being home for Easter had some effect on my sad mood. But, besides that, sometimes it's not anything in particular. You know? It's not a particularly difficult season right now with Vicki. Oh, things and hard and exhausting, don't get me wrong. But there are some very specific times I can look back over the years and think, oh, my God, how did we get through that? Like at the worst of Vicki's transitions, when every single transition was a fight with Mark, where I had to call the sheriff's department and ask about how to make sure we weren't called in for trying to abduct Vicki. That's how scary it was. No, I still can't get Vicki into and out of the car without Mark. And that's tremendously difficult on all of us. And we never know exactly how long it will take to get her out of the car, or how much of a fight it will be. And we still really can't "do anything" "normal", whatever that is. We have to think and plan and trade places and make sacrifices for things that many people don't even think about. And another time, when I was standing with Vicki in the bathroom before she went to bed, for 2-3 hours at a time because she couldn't move. That was hard. And exhausting. And the years when I had to clean her sheets up to 2 x a day, and her floors, and her. That was hard. Do all of these things still happen? Absolutely. But, thankfully, not with as much frequency. So I get a break occasionally.
So, why? Why are there some times that I feel such overwhelming sadness? Mark said it best the other day when we were talking about it. Baby, Vicki is almost 17. And that's all he had to say. Because he was absolutely right. She's almost 17. And as I talk about our kids growing up and the dynamics of our family changing, it's always in the back of my mind. She's almost 17. That means she's almost 18. That means 21 is just around the corner. I need more time. We need more time. She's almost 17. And so many of the things that I just talked about are still occurring. We've spent countless hours researching, countless hours at doctors and therapists, a shit load of money that we don't have, and I just feel like I need more of all of it. Because I'm not helping Vicki enough. Because we still can't just get in the car and get out somewhere on a whim. She can't get up in the morning and get ready by herself. She still has accidents so many times per week. The other day was a particularly difficult accident in the living room, and after it was all over and cleaned up, Mark asked me if I was ok. And then he was like, of course not. Why would I be ok? She is almost 17. And it makes me so sad for her, and for me, and for all of us. And I know no one is to blame. But it's hard not to place that blame on yourself.
We go through all of the tests and procedures and after enduring a particularly hard colonoscopy prep and post-op, I guess in the back of my mind I still wish... oh, this will do it. We will find out what is wrong, and we can fix it for Vicki. And then this morning after taking some time for myself, drinking some coffee, thinking about being positive and everything that I was going to accomplish this brand new week.... I go back upstairs to get Vicki up for school. (I have a monitor that I keep with me, that projects on my phone, so I can hear and see Vicki at night in her room). But I can't smell. And sometimes, you can't smell something until you go up the stairs into the hallway by her room. And she never called out for me or said she had to go or moved at all under the covers. And yet, there was another accident. And yes, some days I have a pity party for myself. Some days it's hard to get that positive outlook focused and ready, but I was doing just that this morning. Until I smelled it. And then, it's like, all the wind goes out of my sail. And all my positivity and plans go up in smoke.
Don 't worry. I'm pragmatic about things. I focus on what needs to be done. I was able to clean up her room, and her sheets, and her, and take out the garbage and open the windows. And I got her ready for school, and she got on the bus. And yes, my positivity took a hit for the day, and I let a little sadness creep back in. And that's not what I had planned to do on a Monday morning. But, we all make it through. And it's ok to get frustrated and sad. And I give myself permission to grieve and mourn. I know that sounds strange. But grief comes in many different forms and waves. I rode this one. And I got up and dusted myself off. Because that's all any of us can do. And then I adjusted my to-do list, thought about things I am grateful for again, and allowed myself another cup of coffee.
PS. Number 1 on my grateful list right now? This. The opportunity to self-reflect and self-analyze. And let myself feel. Thank you for reading. Thank you for listening. And I wish all of you the best anytime you have to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Love you all. xoxo
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