Day 9. Year 6.

Well, I managed to write 8/27 days so far this month. Wait, I take that back. 2 of those days were Ally and Joe. Man, I sucked this year.

Want to hear my excuses for not posting? I have a lot of them.

• I started writing my *Day 9* post a few weeks ago. But it was one of those hard posts. I was trying to answer some questions I've gotten recently. About the future. And that's hard for me So I kept putting it off. I would write a sentence or 2, cry, then save it in the draft folder. That happened for about a week.
• Then I decided that I needed to post about something, so I changed gears. And I started writing about me & my feelings, especially my feelings this past year. And that was hard for me. So I kept putting it off. I would write a sentence or 2, cry, then save it in the draft folder. See a pattern? 
• Let's see. Then Ally turned 11. I think this may have been my last year for taking cupcakes into school for her. :( I'm guessing they don't do that much in middle school. 
• Then we had some landscaping done at our house, 14 years in the making. 
• Just when I was 'ready' to sit down and write again, Ally had her birthday sleepover party.
• And then the day after her party, she got sick. And has been sick ever since.
• So, now I am armed with Lysol. Ally and Joe both tested positive for the flu. And Ally has bronchitis. 
• I never seem to finish anything anymore. And that bothers me. 
• I think I feel like I always need to write something that has meaning and purpose. I don't want to waste anyone's time. But sometimes my brain lacks meaning and purpose. It's just going on auto-pilot. You know? 

I'm exhausted tonight. Yet I can't sleep. I hate those nights when your brain won't shut down. 

Last night I was all stressed out about the kids and the flu. And worrying about them. And then I was sitting at my nightly duty station. Parked right outside the bathroom on a folding chair peeking in on Vicki. I think I told you a little about her bathroom struggles at night. It's been happening since about November. Some nights it only takes about 15 minutes for her to sit down and go to the bathroom. Those nights are such a rarity and a treat. Some nights it takes 4-5 hours for her to sit down and go to the bathroom. Those nights are hard. Really hard. Most nights are somewhere in between. I never know until it's done what the time frame is for Vicki. Last night was a bad night. It took her until 1:30 to sit down and go to the bathroom. I think that plays into why I haven't been writing much this month. Sometimes it takes everything I have in me to walk back down the stairs after a particularly long and draining night with Vicki. I don't have it in me. You know I really want to talk about this bathroom thing. But I also really want to put up a post. Even an incomplete one. So I will stop there for tonight because I hear someone up. So I'm going to go check in on my sickies. 

Much love to you all. Thanks, as always, for listening. xo