A little catch up for me today. Sometimes people ask me how I think of the topics I discuss (or whine about). And honestly, I usually just pick out one of the multiple streams of thought I have on that particular day. I have an abundance to choose from. :) A lot of the time I feel like I post about the same things day after day, and that makes me think, well, that stuff must be on my mind a lot.
I'll also pull from things that happen during that day.
For instance, my youngest daughter, Ally... She had a busy week this week at school. Her 5th grade class went on a field trip to the National Zoo yesterday and this morning she had a field trip to .... middle school for orientation. (Ahhhhh. I. Am. Not. Ready.) So these events have had me thinking about stuff....
Obviously, I am a stay-at-home-mom. Holding that title is something I should be very proud of. I know that when I was little, I was grateful that my mom stayed home with me. She was my number one cheerleader, always there for me. She knew my friends. She knew my friends' parents. She knew my teachers. She took me to and from all of my cheerleading practices and sat in the stands at all of my games. She chaperoned my field trips. I knew I could count on her. And that was such a relief to me growing up. I can still count on her today. She's always there for me, even though now it's over the phone. I talk to her daily. She is a critical part of my life. I want to be just like my mom when I grow up.
Now this is not meant to be a post over discussions of stay-at-home-moms vs working moms. There should be no verse. We are all moms. And we are all pretty damn amazing. I was a working mom for a while, and then I wasn't. I am a SAHM by necessity. And I still feel guilty over it sometimes, like I don't contribute enough, I don't do enough... etc... . I could write pages about that. But I won't today. What I wanted to say is that I feel cheated. And I feel sad. Especially this last year. I know I am doing exactly what I need to be doing for my family. But.... I don't even get to enjoy some of the perks of being a SAHM anymore. And for that, I feel cheated. And my kids are cheated.
When Ally was in Kindergarten, I was able to be pretty active. I had my cute little volunteer badge for the school and I felt like I was participating, I was a part of her school community. I loved going in and stapling papers, cutting things out, doing bulletin boards. I loved running their class store. I loved reading to the kids. I loved getting to know her classmates. I was a chaperon on her field trips. We went to the pumpkin patch one time. We went to see a play. She wanted to sit with me on the bus. I was even able to volunteer once a week when Ally was in first grade. But even at that point in time, it was getting harder. I probably wrote about this before... but the last field trip I chaperoned... I remember.... I had Vicki and Ally in the car rider drop off line in the morning. I was going to drop them off and then park and come in to get ready for Ally's field trip. Vicki has always had a hard time with transitions... even then. We were dealing with her not getting out of my van in a set amount of time. (But at that time it was because of autism. Now, it's so much more... autism, PANDAS, her high anxiety, etc...and so much harder) Anyway.... Ally went in to school and Vicki was still sitting in our van. We had a protocol back then that if Vicki wasn't getting out, then I would pull up, so I didn't block the car rider line. And we would work on getting her out. That particular day was difficult. Very difficult. She was not budging. And Ally's field trip had buses that were scheduled to leave at a certain time. I was sweating. Everyone that was working on helping to get Vicki out knew that I was going on this field trip. Eventually we got to the critical time. I had to go or I wouldn't be on the bus with the kids. And teachers need a certain amount of parents to chaperon. They were counting on me. So the staff told me just to leave. My keys were in the van, Vicki was in the van. They told me to run to go. So I did. I had to leave Vicki. I had to leave it all. Staff eventually got Vicki out of the van, and they parked my van in the parking lot and gave me my keys when I returned from the field trip. It was that day. That day that I realized fully the extent of what was happening.
I have always prided myself on being on time, being dependable. Being someone that you could count on. If someone asked me for a favor, I would try my hardest to be able to comply.
And that's why I feel cheated now. I am a stay-at-home-mom. I should be able to do this. I should be able to chaperon my kids' field trips. I should be able to be a mom taxi. I miss it. I miss it tremendously. Of course, we all complain right? About all of the after school activities and feeling like we are a taxi and that we live out of our car, right? How I want to have that luxury to complain about that again.
I HATE the look on my kids' faces when they come home with a field trip permission form now and they timidly say, 'they still need chaperons mom.'. They know. They don't even form it into a question. Because they know it will make me sad to have to answer that I can't. I can't guarantee anything anymore. I know life is not a guarantee and that things happen and we have to cancel our commitments. But right now, where autism and PANDAS has led us currently...
I can't commit to anything. Because Vicki can be so unpredictable. And this year, I don't even know on a given day if I will be able to get her out of bed to go to school. I can't promise that I can be anywhere. It's not the same as having to cancel because a kid is sick, But then again, maybe it is. My Vicki. She is sick. We are doing everything we can to figure out what is wrong and what we can do to help her. I will devote many a blog posts this year to that. But she is definitely sick.
It's been so hard for me to ask for help this year. To ask other parents if they can take/pick up my kids from activities. I've actually stopped most of their activities because of this. Ally doesn't ask to play on a soccer team anymore. We stopped her guitar lessons. She doesn't go to dance anymore. (Now, to be fair, I think she lost interest in some of these activities on her own). BUT I know that in the back of her mind, she won't even try to ask to start something new because she knows that I can't take her or pick her up. Do you know how awful that makes me feel? How worthless? I am here. At the house. And I have a working car in the garage. And on the days when things fall through and I don't have something lined up... if Joe calls me for a ride, I can't do it. I am right here. A few miles away. With a car. And I can't do it. It breaks my heart. I know that I have an amazing support system and that if things tank, I can call on so many of my friends and they would do whatever they could to help me and go get my kids. And I have done that. But every time I do, it hurts. I am their mom.
I don't volunteer anymore, I can't even go to parent-teacher conferences some nights. I have lost touch of who my kids are outside of our house. I don't know their teachers anymore. I have never gone to one of Joe's wrestling matches. He's been wrestling for 3 years now. I have never taken a picture of Joe in his high school football uniform. Never seen a football game. Now, I am lucky. I have some amazing friends. They know that I want to be there taking pictures, but can't. And I am so grateful to be sent pictures over text and chat and to be tagged on facebook from an event that my kids are participating in. It means more to me then they will ever know. For them to recognize my pain at not being there, and for them to take a picture of it and send it to me as it is happening. It makes me feel like I am still a part of it. And for that I am forever grateful.
But just one, just one now, I want to have the choice. The choice to say.... no, I don't want to go on that stinky field trip to the zoo. But I'll catch the next one. You know? I feel like I am slacking on a big part of my job description as a SAHM.
Thanks for listening. As always. Writing these things down, it helps me tremendously. I hope that it helps you in some little way too... I don't want the few minutes that you are reading this to be a waste of your time. Time is precious. And I hope that you take something from this... xoxo
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