I thought I would share with you tonight the kinds of twists and turns my mind takes on a daily basis, especially after reacting to local news happenings. This world we live in is a scary place. The point of my post is not to dwell on this or discuss politics or anything of that nature. It is simply a starting point to discuss one of my deepest fears.
Today there was another bomb threat at a local middle school in our county. Luckily, the building was cleared and all of the students/staff/responders were safe at the end of the day based on the reports that I saw. This has been happening with much more frequency, it seems. This school is in lock-down, that school is being evacuated. It's scary stuff. Our world is a scary place. You never know what is going to happen. Nothing is guaranteed. I can't imagine the fear, the terror, the everything, that people in those situations must feel,. That loved ones in those situations must feel.
But I think about it. As most people do I assume. After 9/11... kissing a loved one before going to work, before getting on a plane... it took on a new meaning, didn't it? After Columbine and Sandy Hook... pulling our kiddos in closer for a tighter hug, and a few more I love you's... right? Pausing for a moment before you went to the movies, or even to a sporting event... It's there.
But today, today what I was thinking about... what if it was Vicki's school that was being evacuated? In this world today, what if's don't seem so out in left field anymore. A few middle schools in our county have had bomb threats made this year. It could have been Vicki's school. It could be anyone's school.
I don't want to make it seem that my fear is any more important than your fear... fear is fear.
But I talk about this particular fear every time I walk into an IEP meeting for school and we discuss Vicki's list of 'accommodations'. We discuss it when we talk about fire drills. But we never discuss it to the degree that lessens my fear. I'm sure nothing will ever really lessen my fear.
Now, I've never worked in the school system or in the police department or fire department. I have no idea what it takes... what people do behind the scenes to execute a successful drill, or a successful emergency plan. I trust these people. I know they will do everything in their power to keep our children safe.
I'm having a hard time figuring out how to say what I want to say. So, let me just give you examples.
One of Vicki's accommodations is to have one of those chairs with wheels in any room that she is in at school. I'm sure one thing you've gathered about Vicki, and about a lot of children with autism, routines are followed. And if there is a hiccup in a routine, well, you never really know how Vicki will react. And I know you can't plan for every scenario. BUT I want to. It's in my nature to. Fire drills have historically been very difficult for Vicki. No child likes that sound, being disrupted, made to go stand out in the cold in a line for who knows how long... But with Vicki, she would drop to the ground. She would freeze in place. She would not follow simple directions. And the older she got, and the stronger and bigger she got, the harder it got. Enter the chair. Vicki would sit on the chair and her aide/teacher would be able to wheel her out. Until that stopped working. It can be so difficult now, especially if Vicki is having a really bad day, to even get her physically up and sitting in the chair. And if she gets in the chair, she knows how to brace herself in that chair so that it doesn't wheel. I've seen this firsthand. That day back in October when I had to pick her up from school to go to the ER. I think there were at times 5 people trying to wheel her out to my van. She never did get into the van. Granted, this was not an "emergency situation" per say, but Vicki was sick and we did need to get her to the doctor. And for that hour plus... we had the staff to try to help her. But it didn't work. There was another time when her teacher was out of school for the day and the sub had to endure a fire drill with Vicki. It did not go well. What if the people that were needed to physically pick Vicki up and move her (if that was even possible) were not available? Then what?
A few weeks ago, there was a sub bus driver taking Vicki from school to home at the end of the school day. Vicki ended up being about 20 minutes late that day because it was not her usual routine. The bus didn't stop at the exact spot that her normal bus did. There were little things that weren't the same. Who knows what affected Vicki. The sight of a different person, the subtle changes in routine, a different voice greeting her, having to walk a few more steps... who knows what it was. But it affected her. And honestly, this happened a few weeks ago. Her regular bus driver has been back for a long time now, but the routine that had changed that one day has caused a ripple effect for Vicki. She began a different OCD routine based out of her anxiety. And she is still struggling to make that transition. Last week one day, Vicki braced herself on the outside of the bus and it took quite a bit to get her on the bus. She came home with a slightly scraped and bleeding knuckle. Then even this past Monday, she continued to struggle with that transition and came home with another fresh scrape on her hand.
And these little instances are when there is no massive school wide panic. This is just Vicki struggling. This is autism. This is OCD. This is anxiety. This is PANDAs. This is a girl who can't transition to her normal bus at the normal time with her normal bus driver anymore because of the instances of one day. And this is a special needs bus. There are many accommodations that Vicki is privy to on it.
I can't imagine what it would be like for Vicki.... it scares me to the core of my being.... What would happen if Vicki's school had to be evacuated? What would happen if Vicki had to get on a different bus, with a different bus driver, at a different time, with different children. In mass hysteria.
So, for the frightened children that were being evacuated today from that other school... they had 4 transitions that they had to do. Right? They had to get on a bus, get off a bus and walk into another school, get back on the bus, and get off the bus and go back to their school. I seriously can't imagine what would happen with Vicki. Each of those transitions could feasibly take hours.
I know that I've been assured that Vicki would be safe in any kind of an emergency. And they would do whatever they had to do to get her to safety. I have heard of the massive amounts of endorphins that kick in during a fight-or flight situation. And the super human strength the can ensue. And I know that Vicki would not be left. But I can't help but imagine what it would take.... with all of the panic around... what it would take to get Vicki from point A to point B. It scares me. A lot.
It is definitely a scary world out there. And autism has made it even more scary for Vicki. And for me. Yep. I am afraid of autism.
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