Plus 3.

Two nights. Two posts. And I really wanted to follow up last night's post with a feel good one. Not gonna happen tonight.

My husband and I decided to watch our dvr'd Glee episode to get our minds off of tonight's 'incident'. In hindsight, seeing the episode titled  'funeral'... maybe it shouldn't have been our 'go to' escape tonight. Then again, maybe it was just what I needed. Something to put tonight into perspective. So often being in the moment is so very overwhelming. I often talk about being up, then being down, then laughing, then crying. A lot like what I imagine Vicki's emotions are doing to her.

It's so good to just step back. Take a breathe. Breathe in and out. A few times. Then have a nice cry. And that's what Glee (and my husband) did for me tonight. I had a very nice cry. And, I remember how very thankful I am. For everything that I have and everything I am. I have an amazing husband who has been there for me at every turn. He's my rock. I don't need to say anything. He can read it all in my eyes. I have 3 amazing, beautiful, wonderful, loving children. And their smiles and their laughter and their love make my heart soar and makes me want to just throw my arms out, my head back and spin around and around, in a good way. Not in a dizzy 'I feel sick' way. :)  To be able to tell the people I love how much I love and appreciate them... to hug my loves so tight and be hugged in return... What is that saying?... 'To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world'. I know I am all over the place right now... Seems to be a reoccurring theme for me lately.

All I know is that the whole reason for me writing tonight in the first place, and all of the feelings I had at that moment in time, have seemingly melted away... And I didn't think that could happen tonight. I was feeling really shitty earlier. Shockingly enough, it had to be about poop again. Right? One minute my husband and I are in Vicki's room talking to her about her day. She told us she had PE, and that she played catch with a yellow ball. She squealed with delight as she told me the movie, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, she watched tonight. She was humming a song. We were telling her how proud we were of her for picking (from her choice board) push-ups, bear crawls and sit-ups for her exercises tonight. She was giggly and dancy. And, oh my goodness, I wish I could capture the look on her face and the song in her eyes when daddy tickles her. That smile just blows me away and makes it hard for me to catch my breath. After she tells me, 'door mommy. goodbye.' I leave and go read a book to Ally before bed. We read The Ugly Ducking tonight. After an extra long drink of water, she's ready to go to sleep. Then I move onto Joey's room. And I decided to hang out with him for a while and talk. So I laid down next to him and we just chatted. We have some of our best conversations right before bedtime. Sometimes we don't even talk. We just look at the stars on his ceiling. I was in his room longer than I though, shh.. don't tell... I think I may have dozed off for a minute or two. I say goodnight to him and head out to the hallway. And then I smell it again. And I can't help it, tears just well up in my eyes. I just wanted to spend a few minutes with Joey, I had planned on checking in on Vicki anyway and take her to the bathroom again. But she beat me to it. And I guess I was groggy from just chillin' in Joey's room, I didn't notice until it was too late, but tonight, Vic took things a little farther than usual. Instead of just having it all over her hands, she must have been craving more sensory... she had 'painted' the bottom of her feet. And I missed it. It's kind of like having muddy footprints all over your (what used to be a cream colored at one time) carpet. They lead from her bed, into the hallway, and into the bathroom. You would think I would have caught that quicker. But it just didn't register until it was too late. Lets just say, I used up all of my Resolve, both the carpet cleaner, and my psychological well being. I really need to buy a new steam cleaner. So after the routine that seems so routine now... and Vicki soaking in the shower, the sheets stripped, carpet cleaner on the footprints, I was scrubbing and crying again. What a baby, right? It's nothing. So many people have so many other things to deal with. But to me, in that moment, it's everything. And it's overwhelming. And I can hear Vicki singing in the shower again and laughing. And laughing. And I'm scrubbing and crying. And I know, or at least I want to believe, that she doesn't know exactly what she's doing, because if I don't believe that, I don't have anything to hang on to...  I know that she really can't help laughing. And she really doesn't understand. But in that moment, I am mad. I am pissed. And I am sad. Incredibly sad. And tired. And mad. But you know what song I started humming at that moment?...

Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought to know by know how much I love you
The world may change my whole life through but
Nothing's gonna change my love for you

If the road ahead is not so easy
Our love will lead the way for us
Like a guiding star
I'll be there for you if you should need me

Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought to know by know how much I love you
The world may change my whole life through but
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
And my husband comes in and locks eyes with me. And I don't say anything. I don't know if i can get this clean. And then I tell my husband that I want to just rip up the crappy carpet tomorrow. It's so hard to get the smell out, and the stains and I think it would make me feel better to just rip up the carpet. And put down some kind of easier care flooring. Because as much as I want to hope, it's going to happen again. And again. And again. I know we don't have the time, and especially not the money, but sometimes I can be so unreasonable and so unyielding. I just want to rip out this carpeting tomorrow. Now. Like by doing that, I don't know, somehow it will make me feel better. Because yet again, it's all about me.

But like I said, here I am now. And tonight's footprints and emotions are already fading.
And I am looking forward to what tomorrow will bring. Maybe a new flooring? Probably not so quick, but we can hope, right? Tomorrow is kindergarten volunteer day  and Vicki's horseback riding day. It's going to be a good day.

"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."