Plus 2.

Sometimes I wonder about me. Gosh, 'mood swings' doesn't seem to be a strong enough descriptor. PMS. Nope. More like AMS. (Lets call it Autism Mom Syndrome).  I've talked before about how so much of what I feel and what I am in any given day is in direct relation to how Vicki is doing at any given time. Vicki's up. I'm up. Vicki's good. I'm good. Vicki's down. I'm down. Vicki's bad. I'm bad. Of course, call it even just EMS (Every Mom Syndrome). I'm guessing most moms feed off of their kids' moods. Things can be just chugging along, and maybe even one day, you pat yourself on the back. And you think to yourself, hey, maybe I can do this mom thing. Kids seem happy. They're clean. They're fed. They're learning. They're sweet. They got to -whatever- activity on time. Not bad mom, not bad. Then, bam. Maybe it's just one thing. Maybe it's just a bunch of little things. And then you start to unravel. And you know when you pull that one piece of yarn, it just keeps unraveling and unraveling and unraveling. And then before you know it, there's just a pile of kinked up yarn laying beside your feet, where just a few minutes ago it was the start of a pretty blanket. That's pretty much everyday for me. And gosh, I hope I'm not the only one who feels like that. And then again, I hope I am.

I know I left off with Vicki's First Holy Communion day. A good day.  And in between there. Let's see. Good/bad, bad, good, bad, good, bad, fair, fair, good/bad. But you know what, even the 'bad' days, once I sit down and think about it, and put the day into perspective, It's never really bad. There's always good. There's always positive. There's always something to take away and learn from. I just wish I didn't always feel like I am teetering on the edge of a cliff. It's funny. I'm tired tonight, like usual. And my mind just kind of wanders at midnight, like usual. I wrote the word teeter, and then i think of a teeter totter. And then my mind wanders to the last time the girls were on a teeter totter. And how it's hard for Vicki. And, of course, the weight different between Vicki and Ally... well, Ally will always end up the one in the air. And Vicki can't seem to push off from the ground by herself. Not sure if it's just that she doesn't have the quad strength in that range of motion, or if she can't motor plan and put it all together. Or a combination. Or, heck, just liking the fact that she is in control of Ally at that moment in time. I know, that was random. Where was I? Actually I'm not even sure.

From my Ally being sick on Mother's Day and the day after (insert more laundry and lack of sleep here...) To Vicki's birthday on Thursday (I always feel so bad, Vicki never really tells us what she wants for her birthday... so I usually guess, and when she opened her presents and saw a Princess and the Frog barbie and a Tangled barbie doll- bad mommy moment, i forget their names-- she seemed sooo excited. And that makes me so happy. I love when she knows exactly what's going on... and she totally knew it was her birthday. And if she feels like we are waiting too long before we start singing the happy birthday song, she'll start it herself... :)  Oh, and p.s... after only 5 days of 'how old are you? 'nine years old'. She got it today all by herself!!). To Joey's birthday on Friday, Friday the 13th. To his sleepover. To a house full of people over the weekend again. To a DARE graduation for Joey today (super proud mommy moment). It's been a wild ride. It always is. I always wonder, will there be a day to just .... insert nothing here. Of course, what would I do with a day like that? Boooring. :) 

Oh, I forgot. Lets also insert a Wednesday that did not include horseback riding (let's just say that of course, any child is going to be disappointed when their favorite activity for the week is cancelled because the instructor is out of the country... but for Vicki, it was all day. And it just broke my heart. And then I think she's going to react a certain way after having a bad day all day, and then she'll go and surprise me and pull out of it with flying colors...go Vicki!) and a Friday the 13th that included a bloody, fat lip (this time, Vicki zero, trampoline, one. Vic will get it next time...) That oughta do it. Oh wait, let's insert the reason for me staying up tonight and feeling the need to write. I was feeling a little under the weather tonight. And decided to lay down. And it was only 8:45. I know better than that. An hour and a half later I wake up to, yep, that smell again. Sigh... Nothing stops for a mommy, right? I kind of had to hold my nose tonight. And then, I think I got a sickening sweet smell of Lysol up the wrong nostril. And it just kind of lingered. Yuck. And then I just can't get to sleep again right after that, hence, my computer writing time while I do laundry. And geeze, I feel so whiny tonight. I don't mean to be. Well, maybe I do. Maybe I should try a different type of wine. And some cheese. And some of those yummy wine crackers. Seriously, am I thinking about whine/wine and cheese as I am talking about poop? Yep. So... anyway... I feel frustrated. You know, you try to 'clean' (and I use the term 'clean' very loosely. smile.) and then, people have the audacity to get things dirty again. It's the same old, same old. Right? Don't you just wish you could press the 'pause' button every once in a while? I'd like to press pause so I can run around and 'catch up' with everything, without everything getting in the way.. You know, like more laundry, more messes, more practices, more homework, more dinners. more dishes... So, I had spend the greater amount of 2 days trying to 'clean' upstairs. And I got to the point where I thought, 'not great' but 'not too bad'. Smells pretty good. Looks pretty good. Take a mental picture and then let the wild ones loose again. And this time I only broke 1 sweeper. (If you are keeping score, that's one steam cleaner and one sweeper now broke. And, of course, we never did buy a new steam cleaner yet... I guess it's time.) So, when I opened Vicki's door tonight to assess the damage, I just had to have a little pity party for myself. Well, with the amount of parties we've had in the last 2 weeks, don't I deserve one too? :)  And, now, this is going to seem absurd, (but if you don't find the humor in life's little instances, how do you keep your head up?), so my husband and I get a flashlight and check out all the little crevices in Vicki's room to make sure we got it all... And I am a poop sleuth. But my husband is an even better poop detective. Some under the metal railing at the bottom of Vicki's bed. There. Victorious. I guess.

Sorry about tonight. I guess I should have just titled today's post 'mommy rant'. I'm sure lots of you are reading and nodding and saying, been there, done that. Yep. Just a week in the life, right? There are so many more great moments. And so many more sad moments. And so many more exhausted nights. And so many more tears. And so many more smiles and giggles.

And tonight, as I was struggling in Vicki's bedroom, I could hear her singing to herself in the shower...

Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?
........

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
You know Vicki, maybe tomorrow we'll get some glitter and throw it in the air. Just because. :) xoxo