Plus 1.

So, I think I've missed this. :) A lot.  It's been quite a week. I won't bore you with the details. Who am I kidding... that's why I'm writing again... Details.

First up.... since today was Mother's Day... To all of you wonderful, beautiful mothers out there who kiss those boo boos, get rid of those monsters, and give your children wings to fly... You are appreciated today and every day! I was very blessed today to be able to spend the morning with my mommy who was visiting us this weekend. There is nothing in this world like a mother's hug. I hope my children can feel my love wrap around them as I can feel my mom's love wrap around me.  I love you mommy! I woke up this morning, not to breakfast in bed, but to my little Ally throwing up in the bathroom at 5 am. And you know what... there is no place in the world I would rather have been... (*well, of course, I wish she wasn't sick though) Holding back her hair, stroking her cheek, giving her a sponge bath. This is a Mother's Day everyday, and this is why I am. (I was hopeful that Ally was starting to feel better, she was jumping all around this afternoon...)  But, kind of ironic, just as I was typing this last sentence, I hear her crying upstairs. She was sick again, and in Ally fashion, sad that her bed was messed up. :(  She's all fresh and clean and snuggled up in my arms an hour later, she just fell asleep in the chair in the living room again. I think it might be a long night. :( 

And the reason I am writing tonight... I feel like I've shared so much of our lives with you, I wanted you all to know about and celebrate with us Vicki's First Holy Communion which she made yesterday... I know whatever words I write, will never be enough to describe what I felt. When I left off with my blog before, we were practicing, going through the steps, and trying to acclimate her to the texture of the host. (We were able to obtain unblessed hosts to practice with her at home.) Some days went ok, some days it sucked. Everyday I felt stressed. Some days when we were practicing, she would clamp her hand over her mouth and push me away and try to kick me. Other days she would ask for 'host' when she saw it on her schedule. She had taken the host on her tongue once for me during practice and once for the director of religious education. She had promptly gagged after each of those times. Some days she would try to spit. Some days she would put a small piece in her mouth and take off tiny bites. Some days she would say, 'mommy host.'

One thing I was sure of was that she knew it was special. And she had as much knowledge of transubstantiation as I could teach her. On her laminated sheet she would see the pictures and state independently: 'host plus home equals bread.' 'host plus church equals Body of Christ.' And the social story I made for her went like this, ' sitting (in pew), walking, priest (says Body of Christ), Vicki's picture (says Amen), a tongue sticking out, a picture of Jesus with a velcro host stuck to his hands, (Vicki loved to take the host off and feed it to the tongue and make chewing noises), then a picture of chewing, the sign of the cross, walking, sitting, chocolate rocks, and froggie lollipop.' And she really seemed to have it down.

Everyone was so nice as we were preparing with her. Calling us. Meeting with us. Encouraging us. Some days I felt guilty for wanting her to receive First Holy Communion this year. Maybe she wasn't ready. Maybe she would never be ready. Maybe I was doing this for me. But you know what, I never give Vicki enough credit. She is amazing, and has proven that time after time. And this time was no different.

Vicki knew when she woke up that it was a special day. And, although, i had thought about doing some dry runs with her outfit, I decided against it. I thought, just do it. Just throw it all out there.. And put the ball in Vicki's court. She hit a home run. :)  No problem getting dressed. And let me tell you, she never, never, wears this stuff... Tights, with bumpy little white dot patterns on them. A 'hold it all in' slip/bra set. Little lace biker type shorts under her dress. A dress. A sweater. A veil. A purse. Make-up. The whole shebang. And she was amazing. And I cried. (Kind of a reoccurring theme for me that day...) She was excited. And I was sharing it with her. We were being girls getting ready together. I have to say, putting the whole veil thing on her, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only mom who flashes forward 15 years or so, it was so emotional for me. Not knowing if being a bride is in Vicki's future, made this moment even more bittersweet for me.

Watching her and her Daddy walking hand in hand to the church. Watching Daddy adjust her veil. Yep. I cried through it all. She was almost skipping into the room where all of the children were waiting. She seemed genuinely interested in looking around at the other little girls'  and their pretty dresses and veils. She was spinning in her dress, arms out, face to the sky. I'm not talking 'autism' spinning. I'm talking beautiful, unabashed happiness and joy spinning. She waited outside the church in line with all of the children. She walked down the aisle holding her daddy's hand (with mommy following behind toting the bright yellow social story and purse full of reinforcers for her, and yes, mommy was tearing up, a lot.) The lump in my throat just wouldn't go away. Nerves. Yes.  So thankful for this day. We sat in the last reserved pew with Vicki. The alter boys and priest walked in. And I cried. The music. Holding onto my husband's hand. Feeling the love and support of all of our family that came in from out of town, Vicki's teacher and speech therapist sitting 2 rows behind us, Vicki's aides, past, present, and future. My mom and dad. Joey and Ally supporting their sister. It all just hit me with a ton of bricks. And, guess what? I cried. (I'm going to go with 'i kept tearing up because of all of the incense and the lack of sleep.'). Sure. That was it. 

The wife of the director of religious education sat next to me. She hugged me. She talked to me. She kept asking if Vicki was ok. And, well, yes, She was! I looked at the other little girls in front of Vicki. Fidigeting and adjusting their veils. Vicki didn't touch her veil. When the bells rang, I didn't notice Vicki holding her ears. When the incense was intense, and tons of little girls were coughing, Vicki didn't. She prayed the Our Father with our little book that we review every week. She shook the little girls hands during the sign of peace. She held her rosary. She flipped through her 'lift the flap' bible book. She laughed one time and I got nervous. I thought the sillies were taking hold. But it passed.

In all honesty, mass was about 15 to 20 minutes too long for Vicki. It was when the kneeling started. I thought we were going to lose her. And I kept thinking, no, no, no. Just hang on. You can do it... I could see her starting to get upset. My husband was amazing. Vicki was amazing. She held on. We stood up and got in line to receive communion. My heart was beating so loud. I thought everyone could hear it. I whispered in Vicki's ear her social story. The priest saw us and nodded. The alter boy was ready with the catchy thing. And we were right ther when Vicki said 'Amen' and stuck her tongue out. That moment. I can't explain it. The feeling I had. So fufilled. So thankful. So close to God. So close to Vicki. So close to my husband.

Now, after she closed her mouth around the host and my husband ushered her off to the side, yes, she gagged. And I was praying. Hard. She worked through it. It was touch and go for a few minutes, but she walked back to the pew. And, oh yes, I slipped her some chocolate rocks. And, oh yes, I thanked God. And Vicki was ready for her froggie lollipop. And she kept asking for it. That last five minutes before we gave her the lollipop outside of church seemed like an hour. We processed out of church with the children. And bam, the beautiful, perfect sunny day. You betcha Vicki - you can have your lollipop now!!

We met up with the priest at the reception and he hugged us all tight. His smile was genuine. His hug was love. Vicki was radient. Vicki was giddy. And man, there were a lot of people packed into that room, and it was loud and it was hot. And Vicki had a bite of cake and we went home to celebrate her day with her. This is the day that the Lord has made, let us be glad and rejoice. Rejoice we did. Eat, we did. Relax, we did. Cry. I had that one covered. I love you Vicki. And I am so very proud of you. To everyone who was a part of this day, those who were there in the flesh and in the spirit, and those who are reading this now.. thank you. Thank you. Thank you. xoxo

I'll leave you tonight with part of the song that sent me over the edge at mass...

Here I am Lord
Is it I Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart.