Day 26. Year 5.

I've started writing this post a gazillion times over the last few months. And then I delete it. I don't know why it's so hard for me. But here it goes. I will try my best.

I've titled this post "Home-bound in the Netherlands" and here's why. Normally I am an over-sharer with my life. You probably hear way too many details, many more than you would like.  So, why? Why would I not share (with the exception of a few people) the exciting adventure that happened this summer? We went to the Netherlands for almost 2 weeks. Gasp. Crazy right? And you know what's even crazier? I haven't posted one single picture from this trip. I haven't written one facebook post about it. I never turned on my locator that said where I was. We went to The Netherlands. Never in a million years did I think I would ever travel to Europe. Ever. It was all just a dream. A secret pinterest board that would never come true. Beautiful places, amazing food, exotic images. My kids in Europe. My husband and I strolling down the canals hand in hand, sharing a bottle of wine over a beautiful dinner. It's picturesque, right? And I can show you some pictures, some pictures that would look like it was the perfect family vacation. Some pictures that are exactly what I would imagine a trip like this looking like. But autism, damn you autism.

This was the first time that we've been anywhere outside of the US.The first time we have ever gone anywhere that we didn't drive to.  This was the first time we actually used our passports! This was the first time the kids had ever flown on a plane. There were so many firsts. So many things we did and saw. I don't want to sound ungrateful. And I think that's a big reason I didn't talk much about it. I realize deep down how lucky and fortunate and blessed our family is. We had some amazing moments. Memories that will last a lifetime. I don't want to take that away from this trip, this experience. But...it was hard. So very hard.

Memories. Memories are a peculiar thing. You know how there are some experiences in your life that stand out, that you remember so vividly? Some memories that you look back on fondly with a smile? And some memories that are so sad, so heartbreaking that your breath catches in your throat and you almost can't breathe? Memories that you want to forget.  4 years ago when my dad died, for months and months after he passed, the only memories that I could visualize in my head were of the last hours of his life. Sitting in the hospital room with my mom, watching my dad's labored breathing and seeing his chest rise and fall and rise and fall and then just fall. I wanted to remember all of the good moments, all of the smiles and jokes and peaceful quiet moments that I shared with my dad over the years. But I couldn't. Now, 4 years later, that haunting memory of my dad in the hospital room is fading some. And it is being replaced by happier times and memories. This was a pretty extreme example, sorry... I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately, he died in September and his birthday is in October. Anyway.... I do that with other events in my life as well, as I'm sure you do too. I can look back on family vacations that happened years ago, and now I try to selectively remember the good moments, And the bad moments I try to let fade into the background. Maybe that's why it has taken me so long to open up about our trip to the Netherlands. I needed some time. Some time to distance myself from some of the memories that overpowered this trip.

There were a few people that I told about this trip before it happened. And I had a few comments like, 'oh my gosh. You are so lucky! That's awesome! We've always wanted to take a trip to Europe. But we just can't afford it. We don't have time for it.. How exciting for you!'. And it's odd. It made me sad. Really sad. Because taking this trip to The Netherlands wasn't a trip that we envisioned, or planned for, or fantasized over. It was a trip of necessity. It was the lesser of 2 evils. How awful does that sound? Who in their right mind would describe their first time trip to Europe as 'the lesser of 2 evils?' We did. Because autism made us.

My husband got told that he had to travel to The Netherlands for a business trip. There was a conference that he needed to attend. How awesome, right? So exciting!! Well, the last time my husband had to take a business trip (he travels to New Mexico a lot for work), he had to leave in the middle of his trip to come home because of some issues that Vicki was having. I can't work outside of the home because of autism. And medical bills alone are astronomical for Vicki's treatments. My husband needs to work. His company has been good regarding all of the time off he has to take for doctor's appointments, school meetings, etc... etc... They have tried to limit his travel, especially the last few years. But when you are told you have to go, you really have to go. He needs his job. And the timing for this trip was not good. Not good at all. Vicki was struggling.

I am fortunate that my husband is an amazing dad. He has such a special bond with Vicki. When Vicki was born and spent a week in the NICU... we couldn't hold her or touch her. And then when she came home, we had a very difficult time breastfeeding. I ended up pumping for 5 months and it was Daddy who was able to get Vicki to drink breast milk from a bottle. He has always had a calming effect on her. Along with his demeanor with her, he is a pretty strong guy. He played football in high school and wrestled in both high school and in college. So when my 5'6" sweet Vicki is struggling, it's Daddy that is able to physically help her.

So back to the trip. We made a very difficult decision. We decided to take the whole family to the Netherlands for Daddy's work trip. Is it something we were planning and looking forward to? No. Is it something that we saved money up for? No. Not at all. Is it something that we felt we needed to do? Absolutely. 100%. Why?? Because it was the lesser of 2 evils. Yes, Vicki was struggling. Struggling so much that there were days when we couldn't get her out of our van after school. I know I wrote a little about this part before. But I can't even remember how much detail I went into. It was bad. Really bad. So much so that there was no one that was physically able to get Vicki out of van. No one except Daddy. So when we would get home from school at 4, there were days when Vicki sat in the van until Daddy got home from work at 6 or 7. We tried so many things. Everyone was stumped. The behavioral specialists had no ideas. From tokens, to reinforcement, to you name it. We would even try to just wait her out, but she has demonstrated that she can wait for 8 plus hours. So, what do we do? What if, while Daddy was gone on his business trip, I had to go somewhere? Take the kids somewhere? Do anything. Go to the store and get milk. Whatever. What if there was a medical emergency? So many 'what ifs'. Yes, I live my life by 'what ifs'. I live my life with back up plans. I have to. What if I couldn't get Vicki out of the van?? This seems like a ridiculous question. But if you could actually see the struggle for Vicki, you would realize that it's not a ridiculous question. My husband just couldn't do it. He couldn't fly halfway around the world knowing that the struggle was very real and that there was a high probability that Vicki wouldn't transition out of our van. How could he travel like that?

So, we hastily put together the trip for a family of 5. We cashed in every frequent flier mile that my husband had accumulated over the years. Did we have the money to take this trip? No. Not at all. Did we feel like we had to take this trip to keep Vicki safe? Absolutely. So there it is. We went to the Netherlands with Daddy.  And we were determined to make the most of it. Do I think we will ever travel to Europe again? Probably not. So this blessing in disguise... we were going to use it the best we could. Whatever happened, we were going to be together as a family. And we are always better together.

OK. Well, this post is long already. And I haven't even told you why we were 'Home-bound in the Netherlands'. I haven't even told you why I really didn't want to talk about this trip. So let's just call this Part 1. I guess I really had a lot that I wanted to talk about. Thanks for listening. I hope that after I write this 3 part segment that I will feel better. I just need to put it all out there. Love you all. xoxo