Day 22. Year 5.

I pulled up my blog today because I just had this need to write. I've kind of completely disappeared from life the last few months. Sorry. I feel like I've been doing that more and more lately. That's not a good sign for me. You know writing has always been therapy to me. But lately, it's like I can't bear to write what's in my heart. Because it feels so painful for me. You know I try to be an upbeat and positive person. I love to laugh. But lately it's been hard. I've had all of these feelings that I don't like having. I don't know what I feel anymore sometimes.  I don't want to be told how strong or amazing I am. Because frankly, I'm not. We all just try to do the best we can with the shit life throws at us.I want to apologize... I always try to write with humor infused so it doesn't get too heavy. But, life the last few months has been pretty heavy. I don't want to bring you down. So here's your warning. I've been sad. Read on if you don't mind. ;)


 I don't like feeling sorry for myself or jealous of other people. But I have been. That's why I kind of disentangled myself from all things social media. I've always loved seeing happy posts and seeing all of the fun people are having. It makes me feel connected to life, to people.  But over the past few months I just turn green with envy. It's horrible. I know that I don't know all of the silent battles that everyone faces. I know that the persona that most people show on facebook isn't their life 24/7. I know that when I post a picture it only shows you a snapshot. If you looked at the pictures that are on my camera right now, you would say... I don't know what she is complaining about. I don't know why she is sad. She has a beautiful family. 3 amazing kiddos and a really hot husband. ;) She is lucky and blessed beyond measure. And I am.  I know that. I really do. And I AM thankful. I really am. See, that's why I need to write sometimes. To remind myself of this. Because I get so caught up in the negatives and in the sadness and in the, 'oh, how I wish...' That's a dangerous place to go. Damn you autism.


It's not even that I covet things. I covet actions. I covet moments. I see big family get-togethers. I see trips to the pool. I see kids climbing on the monkey bars. It's summer. That's what summer is. Getting outside and enjoying the beauty. I covet what I perceive as 'easy enjoyment'. Look at those sticky sweaty tanned face kids with popsicle juice running down their mouths all crammed together sitting on the back porch steps. I wonder if their moms are appreciating that moment? I'm sure they are. Gosh I wish.... I wish...I wish that was something easy and spontaneous that we could do. The hell that Vicki is living right now. I can't even imagine. I wish everyday I could see inside that head of hers, inside her heart. I will write about it. I really will. Soon.


So I see how this post is going. Baby steps for me. This is not what I planned on writing. But maybe I just had to start with this. My frame of mind. My reference. Maybe I can't talk today yet about what's been going on with Vicki. I reread the last post I wrote. So much has happened since then. I wish I could say it was positive. But of course, if it was, I wouldn't be having so much trouble writing. Sheesh. What a post. Sorry. I will try to pick up where I left off next post. I'm just all over the place this morning.


It rained last night. My backyard is so muddy this morning. Seems fitting for my post today. Mud and dirt. That's what our backyard is. I can see the green grass in the yard next to us. Why? Why can't our family have green grass?  We keep trying. Maybe someday.... I hate saying.... it's too muddy in the backyard, wait til it dries out a bit. It never really does. You know?


I need to embrace the mud and the dirt. It exposes all of the roots in our yard. Yes, we keep tripping on those roots. But they are there for a reason.


Thank you for reading. Thank you for being there. Thank you for all of your love and concern and messages. Each one means the world to me. xoxo