Year 2. Plus 2.

Of course I had to write again tonight. The greatest thing about writing is that for me, personally, it is free therapy. :) I wonder how many hours of 'therapy' I have logged so far? See baby, I AM frugal!

Gosh, I feel like all I have been saying lately is 'today was rough'. So I think I'll try something different today. And here it goes... 'Today was really rough.' :(
Bleh.

One of the harder aspects of all of the recent changes in Vicki, for me, is the unpredictability. Yes, kids are unpredictable. No one ever really knows when something is going to happen. And Vicki has always been unpredictable. But now, it scares me. It scares me to the point of not wanting to do anything at all, not wanting to go out at all, not wanting to try activities at all. Not wanting to do the things we usually do. Because I just don't know. I am used to seeing some sort of sign from Vicki, something that clued me into being a minute or so from a major meltdown. Or certain things that would set her off or make her nervous. We can all see little things in our kids faces, things no one else sees. But not now. I can't see them with Vicki right now.

I hate the fact that I dread just about every task right now. Because I don't know how she will react. Will she skip around and sing? Or will she sit frozen, scared and screaming?

5 hours. That's how long it took for me to get Vicki out of the van this am after we dropped Joey off at school (3.5 hours for that) and then 2.5 hours to get her upstairs, showered, dressed and back downstairs eating breakfast at 2 pm. Wait. My math skills need work. That's 6 hours. ;) But, you see, it's everything. I feel like I have tried everything. I feel like I am racking my brain to try everything and anything. And the really hard part is that I don't know what I am fighting against. I don't know what is going on inside of Vicki. I don't know the function of any of the behaviors that she is having. And I don't have answers. Or clues. But I do still have hope and faith.

When I have days like today, well, I've never had a day like today... But when I have days when there are significant challenges... I always think to myself, I never appreciate enough everything that usually goes so smoothly. Like getting out of the van, like going to the potty, like taking medicine, like me combing her hair, like getting her dressed, like taking her to school, like being able to pick up my kids from school, like her picking up a Capri sun and drinking it..... It all just happens. But today it didn't.

Vicki didn't get out of the van, go potty, take medicine, comb hair , get dressed, go to school, drink her Capri sun. Well, she did eventually get out of the van, go potty, take her medicine, I combed her hair, got her dressed and helped her drink her Capri sun. But she never did make it to school. And I never did get to pick my other kids up from school, stupid dead battery in the van. Really?!?! Too long opening and closing the van doors and lights today, I guess...

Everyday I'm baffling. Yep. That's my new word of the day. Come on... Everyday I'm baffling... du-ta-du-da-ta-du-da... I don't know what I would do if I couldn't laugh at myself.

But seriously... I keep saying that Vicki wants to do whatever task it is. She really does. I can see it in her face. And she answered my questions this morning. But she couldn't move out of the van. What is stopping her? She gets rigid, I can't pry her legs out of criss cross applesauce style. I ask her what she wants to do. She tells me, 'Take a shower.' But then she can't get out of the van. What the heck is holding her back? Now, I could, if I really had to... muscle up and let adrenalin take over and get her out of the van. But that wouldn't help anything and I don't want to put her or myself at risk for injury.

Do you want to know what finally got her out of the car? I tried everything I could think of for 3.5 hours. And this is what worked. We had done a sticker puzzle in the van together. She loves puzzles and stickers, so she liked the activity a lot. Anyway, there was garbage from the stickers. And I crinkled up the piece of paper and sat it on the floor of the van. Vicki said to me, 'Mommy. Trash.' And then I said, 'No. Vicki. Trash.' and pointed to the garbage can inside. And she kept saying to me, 'Mommy trash. (No, I'm not!!! ha ha....) Mommy go. Mommy trash. Mommy walking. Mommy black trash (the trash can is black). So, on a whim I tossed the trash onto the garage floor outside of the van. And I walked away. Well, that really bothered Vicki. A lot. And finally she jumped out of the van, picked up the trash, sprinted inside and threw it in the black trash can. Success!!!!!!!!!!!!  I blocked the door to the garage and praised the heck out of her. And then of course it took another half an hour to get her upstairs. But. Still. Celebrate. Celebrate it all. Because it is soooo worth celebrating!



And then tonight before bed she was skipping around and smiling. And at bedtime she serenaded me with one of her favorite songs, Rocket Man.

And all this science I don't understand...

Oh, no no no. I'm a rocket man.

Now I think it's gonna be a long long time...
And i think it's gonna be a long long time...

If you could tonight... just send Vicki a little bit of love.
Here's to hope for a skipping and singing Vicki in the morning.
Thanks again for listening. xoxo
Oh, and I am open for suggestions! Anything! Anything at all! We are tossing around a lot of stuff right now, waiting, testing, searching... I will keep you posted.