Day 24. Year 4. (not really... but I want to finish last years numbers!)

Hi!!!!!  Because the month of April is fast approaching and I am gearing up for year 5 of this blog... I wanted to get back into the swing of writing. I never finished last year's posts. (And I really hate to leave things undone!) To be honest, it has been harder and harder for me to write and open up. I want to write with honestly and really share Vicki with all of you. But sometimes I can't even put into words how I feel. And when I do, it's heartbreaking all over again. I experience things once with Vicki and then relive them in my mind and my writing over and over. And I feel like I just come off whining or wanting pity. And I don't like that feeling.

Being completely honest... this has been a really hard year. I don't want to sum it all up right now... because if I try to, I will just quit writing after a few minutes and never publish this post. So I will tell you how things are going right now.

As a mom... no matter if your child has autism or not, sometimes you just get that feeling in your gut, like something just isn't right. I have that feeling. And I've had that feeling for some time now... and it keeps getting stronger. Sometimes I think about things so much and dissect Vicki's behavior so much, that it consumes me and takes over my life. Yep. That's about where I am right now.

Sometimes it's big things that happen that make my mommy senses tingle. For example, Vicki has been sick a few times this winter. She hardly ever gets sick. She is usually my 'healthy' one.  But she's thrown up .. back in January and again this past week. Sure, she could have just your average, run of the mill, stomach bug. I am probably overreacting. But I always look deeper. I don't know why... maybe because she can't tell me what she's feeling. But something just doesn't add up to me. It's all of the little things. Little changes in behavior. I will just sit and watch her. And when you watch close enough, for long enough... something is different. Or I am just going crazy. Autism can do that to you. ;)

I don't really know what's wrong. There could be so many things.... She's been crying so much lately, especially the last few months. Crying. A. Lot. And it's that heart wrenching cry where she screws her face up and just sobs... oh it kills me a little each time I see it. Yes. I know she will be 13 in May (yikes!!!) and that it's perfectly natural for teenage girls to cry a lot. I just feel like it's more than that.

And with her PANDAS... over the past year it's been a roller coaster... she'll have a flair up and then things seem like they are settling down and chugging along. And then, another bad spot. We are back to difficult transitions. Like 2 hour transitions.Transitions so hard we are fearful when she goes to sit down somewhere that we won't be able to get her up again. And we can't.  Could it just be her acting out? Just wanting to control something in her life? Yes. It could be. But I just feel like it's more than that.

Her OCD has been very difficult at different times this past year. So much so that she would add little things to her day like tapping her foot 100 times before she took her medicine, or turning the pages of a magazine so many times... Eating got to be so difficult. 2 hours for her to eat. It all ebbs and flows. She follows her routine to a T. She needs it to function. And sometimes the only way for me to get through one certain activity was to mess with her OCD... start doing something else in the wrong order or the wrong way, so she would move on. And you know what scares me now?? I did that the other day, and she didn't care at all. Not. At. All. And that is highly unusual. I should be celebrating that... but instead it's another thing I can't stop thinking about.

And her body posturing.... she hunches over so much. And she's been grabbing at her chest a lot. Maybe she is just noticing things more... or she is just more sore, or growing.... But I think... is it something with her medicines? She takes so many of them. I hate it.  Does she have heartburn? Is her stomach upset a lot now? I don't know. It's just so odd. And yesterday she asked for dentist and ice cream. I had her look at some of her visuals just in case she messed up the word... because usually we pair ice cream with a successful blood draw. And sure enough... she chose the blood draw visual. Is that her way of telling me something is off and she knows it? It really freaked me out. Or, it could just be that she wanted ice cream. ;) Or that she knew we had to get blood work done sometime soon. (Which we did.) So we took her today to get it done. At least maybe that will shed some answers on this. But it's so hard because even though her team of doctors knows everything that's going on with her, it's hard to investigate things with her.

Well, that's all I have tonight. I  have to sit down and write some more updates to Vicki's doctors so we are all on the same page. I am anxious to see what the blood work shows. Anyway... thanks for listening. It felt good to write some of it down. I'll be back again soon. I plan to finish up the last 6 posts before April starts.... I will let you know what comes of all of this. Until then, I would really love for you to keep Vicki in your thoughts and send a few extra prayers and lots of love to her this week. I wish we could just go and see Dr. House. ;) I really miss that show. (That was random.) xoxo

Day 23. Year 4.

I didn't forget. I really didn't. But I did have to go back and re-read my last post on here... I tend to come back to writing when "big" events happen. The last time I wrote, it was Vicki's dance recital and elementary school graduation. Today it was Vicki's first day of ESY (extended school year) and it was transitional, she went to her new middle school! After 9 years at her elementary school, my sweet little girl is growing up.

It's very interesting to me. I have to give myself credit for one thing... I am consistent with my feelings. I was thinking about her transition to the middle school today and how stressed I was. Then I looked back at my last post... and the same feelings are there. I think, in general, big events, new things, make people nervous. Butterflies are a normal part of taking risks. Vicki is scared of butterflies. The real ones. She had a butterfly land on her a long time ago and she is really not into flying insects of any type. Especially after last year's locust fiasco. Anyway... Vicki doesn't like real butterflies... I wonder if she ever gets fluttery little butterflies in her tummy? I wonder what she thinks the night before the first day of school? We talk about it with her visual schedule...I wonder if she thinks about it? Gosh I wish I knew what she thinks.

Anyway... YES. Vicki always surprises me. ALWAYS. I think that some people think I'm crazy when I stress over things with Vicki. I always get... she'll surprise you, she'll be fine. And I hope and pray deep down in my heart that they are right. And... drum roll... Vicki was fine going to her new school and meeting her new teacher. She was more than fine. She was spectacular. Amazing. Unbelievable. I couldn't have been more proud of my sweet girl.

So, why was I so worried that I couldn't sleep? And was feeling sick? And ran through a thousand different things that could happen or could go wrong?  I know you can't prepare for everything. And I understand that. But I will try. Why? I am not trying to set my sweet Vicki up for failure... I am always trying to set her up for success. But Autism has changed me. Changed me so much that I don't even recognize myself sometimes. Why do I anticipate a catastrophe? Because they sneak up on me when I am not expecting them. They blindside me.. They confuse me. They have me so scared and afraid that I never take Vicki anywhere by myself anymore. I plan. I plan so much it is ridiculous. No one should have to plan every single step you take to get to the library. I do. I plan it with such careful consideration you would think I was diffusing a bomb. And sometimes I am. I haven't written about some of the difficulties lately... I haven't wanted to. But if you knew the depth of despair that I see in Vicki's eyes sometimes... or how much I cry, or she cries, or how it took 2.5 hours to get out of the van one day. Or how Vicki sat on the kitchen floor for 8 hours one day because of some behavioral issues. Then maybe you wouldn't think I'm crazy for worrying so much. Or trying to plan so much. I just want Vicki to be happy. BUT... sorry I am way off topic.... I am CELEBRATING today!

I feel like Vicki is running a race sometimes. Like she's a hurdler. She started a new race today in her new school and she came out strong. She sailed over the first few hurdles. Didn't even touch them. She was so happy. Like... Vicki happy. The happy that I haven't seen in many months. The happy that reaches her eyes and makes her giggle with her own personal jokes. They happy that touches her lips and makes her skip. She is such a fighter. She inspires me day in and day out. Whatever hurdle she faces, she faces head on. Some days she stumbles, and some days she flat out knocks them over. All I pray is that I am there for her to offer her a hand and pick her back up and brush her off. But right now. This minute. She is kicking some ass in her race. And I couldn't be prouder of her. I will take today and cherish it. Go Vicki go!!! Thank you for cheering her on with me. I love you all. xoxo

Day 22. Year 4.

I posted a facebook post yesterday morning, and tonight I thought I would talk about it. Here's the post: "It's so easy for me to just shut my little family up in our house and not try anything that might be difficult for Vicki... sometimes I do that, but times like this weekend... we put it all out there and give it a shot. If you could send some good thoughts Vicki's way so that not only can we be present and attend these activities, but that she will enjoy them and be happy and flash that Vicki smile. We have Vicki's dance rehearsal today and a ceremony tonight for Ally to bridge from Brownies to Junior Girl Scouts. Tomorrow is Vicki's dance recital and on Monday Vicki will be participating in her 5th grade graduation and then in the evening we will all go to support Joe at his 8th grade Assembly. I am a big ball of nerves and tears. Better go get my camera charged and myself charged."

So here it is, Sunday night. We are 2/3 days done. And I thought I would try to be pretty honest in this post tonight with how things are going. Writing it all down really helps me to put things into perspective too.

The first thing I want to say is how very proud I am of Vicki. One of the things about autism is that I really have no idea what she is feeling inside. So many people have asked me if she has ever sat down at the computer to try to type. I'm sure a lot of you have heard stories about how young adults with autism have sat down at a computer screen and was able to type, type out their feelings and give themselves a voice. Yes, I admit, I have tried this with her. And she loves to type.... but so far she will only type about food she sees on pinterest. :)  And right now, that's good enough for me. In face, it's phenomenal. Because by even just describing the food she sees, she is giving me so much insight into the way she thinks. Anyway, sorry... I digressed. What I am trying to say is that feelings are difficult. And behavior is difficult. And how one feels directly impacts how one behaves. And feelings are unpredictable. Therefore behavior is unpredictable. And that's about it. I know Vicki feels. And this weekend I'm sure she felt a lot. Sometimes, the things that I fret about the most, the things that I think are going to be the most difficult, end up being just fine. And I let a big sigh out not even realizing that I am holding my breath. And then something happens. And I know Vicki feels and she reacts. And then out of nowhere I am blindsided with a behavior, a reaction, that I am not at all expecting. So. That's life. It all ebbs and flows. This weekend I have gotten that coveted Vicki smile. I have gotten to see the sparkle in her eyes. But I've also seen some of the most gut-wrenching, heartbreaking displays of utter.... I don't even know what to call it... But when I see it, when Vicki reacts with it, it hurts. So deeply that it feels like my heart is physically breaking for her. 

Just to clarify a little bit, without going into too much detail tonight, because frankly, I am emotionally exhausted and I know we have one more really big day ahead of us....

Vicki danced. :) 

You know, maybe trying to write a post tonight wasn't the best idea. I want to share more. But I don't want to. I want to give you the feel good post about a little girl who put on her sparkly pink dance costume and had beautiful curls bouncing in tight ringlets around her twinkling bright eyes.  She did. And her hair was bouncy. And she smiled. 

But I don't want to tell you the deeper story, about what else I saw on the stage. If you were sitting beside me in the audience, you may not have seen it or felt it, but I did. 

It's so hard to know if what you do for your kids is what your kids want you to do for them. You know? For all of my children, I want to give them the opportunity to try lots of things and make the decision for themselves what they want to do and what they don't want to do. With every fiber of my being, I believe Vicki loves dance. I believe that she loves putting on the costumes and the make-up and she loves the music. 

But sometimes I see the fear and the pain and the anxiety and I question myself. Sometimes I look at her out there on the stage, and I look at her posturing and I look at her aide assisting her. And I think, am I doing the right thing? She holds her ears so much anymore. To the point where if she is raising her arm I can see her shoulder come up ever so slightly so she can block some of the sound to her ears. And it's what everybody else doesn't see, I didn't even see it tonight because I wasn't backstage with her. Vicki's OCD tendencies come out in full force, especially when she is anxious about something. Let's just say that I hate that she is a slave to her memories. That's the best way I can think of to describe it to you. She knows exactly what she did last year backstage at the recital. She knows exactly what movies she watched on the portable DVD player. She remembers every last detail. And she needs to recreate it. Even if she doesn't want to. She needs to. And, it is so hard to watch. The yelling. The pain in her eyes. The dropping to the ground. The anger. The yelling. Over and over again. 

I take a lot of pictures. A lot. And I will post the cream of the crop for you. I will post what I want you to see. But, and I know I've said this before... For every 1 picture of Vicki smiling and engaged, there are 100 pictures of her vacant eyes looking far away and the smile that never quite reaches her lips. 

But if I don't put Vicki out there sometimes... give her a chance, let her experience it all.... then what? She will sit on her couch, hold her cookbooks on her lap and just stare off into space. She will not connect with living. And in living, you grow and you learn. 

I have a lot more to say about some stuff that happened after the recital... but... I still have 8 days left to write. I'll save that one for another day. Thanks for listening. As always. 

Thought I'd leave you with some of the lyrics from Vicki's dance recital piece:

Sometimes I fix things up
And they fall apart again
Nobody's perfect
I know I mix things up
But I always get it right in the end
You know I do

Next time you feel like
It's just one of those days
When you just can't seem to win
If things don't turn out the way you planned
Figure something else out
Don't stay down, try again, yeah!

Everybody makes mistakes
Everybody has those days
Everybody knows what, what I'm talkin 'bout
Everybody gets that way

Day 21. Year 4.

I figured that after my last post, I better write a follow-up to the movie incident. To sum it up, I will sing you a song from Dora the Explorer. Ready?
We did it. I did it. She did it. Hooray! We went to the movies to see Rio 2. Yeah! We did it. I did it. She did it. Hooray! We walked in. Sat down. And we stayed the whole time. Yeah. We did it. I did it. She did it. Hooray!

A very dear friend of mine had been privy to a lot more of my verbal stress and sadness and anger and self pity and all of the other feelings that came out in my last post. And she sent me a text. "Have a little faith in yourself."

It's so true. Faith in myself is something that autism has stripped me of. And dare I say that after Friday, maybe just a little sliver of faith as been restored. Not much. But a little bit. I left that movie theater feeling as if I was the most awesome mom in the world. My pink, sparkly supermom cape was flapping in the wind and my feet weren't even on the ground. And there you have it. The highs and lows of autism. The gamete of  emotions that I felt... all to take my children to the movie theater.

Just wanted to tell all of you thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for praying. Thank you for your kind words. It means the world to me to have so many people who care and believe in me and believe in Vicki. Lots of things helped to make the movie a good experience... from the fact that Vicki was having an 'on' day and she was happy and really wanted to go see Rio 2 to having my son agree to come with us (for the small price of a box of recees pieces). Ally and her friend were so well behaved. And it happened to be the last day for Rio 2 at this theater and we were the only 5 people in that theater. So even though we had a few little glitches, it was only noticed by us. Had my son not gone with us and stepped up, I don't think the trip would have been as successful. I had to have him take Ally to the bathroom in the middle of the movie. If he wasn't there, I don't think I could have gotten Vicki to get up from the movie and transition to and from the bathroom. With about 20 minutes to go Vicki got really fidgety  and was a little louder... but again, we were the only ones in the theater, and that definitely made me feel more comfortable. After the movie my son stayed with Ally and her friend so they could make another stop to the bathroom and I took Vicki to the van because she was getting upset and almost dropped on me. Thank goodness for the handicapped parking pass and yet again, for my son. But all in all, the outing went very well. And after I got Vicki into the van and tucked my supermom cape into my purse, I let out a sigh of relief. It's amazing that one can hold their breath without realizing they were holding their breath. I will take this one victory and celebrate it today.

A happy Ally and a happy Ally's friend. A happy Vicki. And a happy Joey (who enjoyed his recees pieces). And a grateful mommy. I may have even smiled and laughed a little during the movie and danced along to some songs.

And I will leave you on this beautiful Sunday morning with not just the Dora song to get stuck in your head, but also an oldie and a goodie from George Michael.
You gotta have faith, faith, faith
You gotta have faith. Baby. 

Day 20. Year 4.

I'm going to apologize for a few things upfront. First, I am sorry that I haven't finished up my 30 days (in April) in a timely manner. So many life things have gotten in the way this year. I've started multiple posts but haven't been able to finish them, either because of circumstances or because I couldn't dig deep enough mentally to finish them. If you just stick with me, I promise I will get there this year. :)  And second, I had decided a few days ago to give up on some of the tougher posts and do a lighthearted one. I love talking about Vicki's accomplishments. BUT, this is not that lighthearted post either. This is me. Ranting. And being frustrated. And being angry. And having a pity party for myself. I apologize ahead of time for it... But right now, at this moment... I need to write this. For me.

Why does everything have to be so planned? So hard? So scheduled? I get so sick of having to do it. Now I'm not a very spontaneous person  in general. I like order and things flowing well. And I understand that to be organized and have things flow the way you want them to takes time. Time to plan. But right now.... I am so frustrated. And here is where I am going to hold my breath and stomp my feet. Why does every. single. thing. have to be so damn hard? Every. Single. Thing.

All I wanted was to have a fun Friday. Ally has been conspiring all week to have a friend over today. So it was all planned out. Her friend is going to ride home with us after school. We would swing by home quickly and have Vicki take her medicine and then we would go to see Rio 2 at the movie theater. Vicki's behavioral specialist was set to accompany us. Done. Easy peasy. At least in theory.

Well, apparently there was miscommunication with the company we work with. And although it was a go last night, I was misinformed. It was not decided that the specialist would accompany us to the movies. I got the phone call a little while ago saying that they couldn't do that. They could come up and give her a social story and then leave. And then leave me with Vicki and Ally and her friend at the movies. Well, now they are not even doing that. And I have been sitting here for the last hour crying like a baby. Yes, I know it's ridiculous. There is no reason to cry over a movie. But it runs so much deeper than that. This rant isn't about a movie. It's about life. Life with autism. As much as I want to say things are all rainbows and hearts and flowers. It's not. Sometimes things just suck. And it affects everybody.

I have no idea what I am going to do about the movie today. I tried to get in touch with my husband at work to see if he could come home early and go with us. Leave work for a movie. It sounds so stupid. Maybe I could just chance it and hope that Vicki is 'on' today. I may try to take my son and see if he could watch the girls in the theater if something goes wrong with Vicki. And I don't have an aide that can work today. There are still options. But they all make me nervous. And the last thing I want to do is not go to the movies. Not only would Vicki be upset with the change in her schedule. I think she really wants to see Rio 2, but also I would have 2 little girls who were looking forward to today... very, very disappointed. And it shouldn't be this hard to take my kids and a friend to the movies.

I'm sure a lot of it is me. I know it is. But with autism, and with Vicki... and life in general... you just can't predict anything. Things may go perfectly well today. And things may go horribly wrong today. I guess that's with anyone or anything in life. But with Vicki.... I feel like I draw on past occurrences a lot. I know what has happened when I have had 2 aides with me going to the movies, and it has been difficult with 2 other sets of hands.  And I know that if my husband is there, things always go smoother. It's Daddy. What if she? What happens then?

But one of the things that is really starting to bother me is that I feel like I can't do anything by myself anymore with the kids. And that's really hard for me to admit. I can't go anywhere with just me and the kids. I need someone. I need my husband. I need an aide. I need a behavioral specialist. Maybe I am just so scared anymore. Because I know what has happened in the past, and I know what could happen. And I can't handle those things by myself. But then again, it could go perfectly. Who knows. I feel like I just need somebody to hold my hand and be there for the what if's... and I know that's not fair either. But until you've had a child who throws themselves down in the middle of the street or parking lot and won't get up and you can't lift them up anymore... it's hard to say not to worry. And there are other things too....

I understand where companies come from too, I really do, even thought it's hard when they say they are sorry for the inconvenience. I am so jaded sometimes. I love a good social story. I love a good behavioral plan. I love goals. I love data. But sometimes that's just not enough. The data is skewed. What looks like it will work on paper won't work in real time. There are always other variables that you can't account for. That's just life. And they are only here for x amount of hours x days a week. What about the rest?

Sigh. I think I ran out of steam. I think that's it for me for now. I'm done crying. I'm done stomping my feet. I REALLY REALLY appreciate you reading this and listening to my crazy rant. I will file my feelings away for the moment and hope that something amazing happens and we can all go to the movies. What a victory that would be. For me. We shall see.

You know, a good rhyme always helps. :)
Love you all. xoxo

Day 19. Year 4.

It has been a very long and stressful week this past week and I've been too overwhelmed to write.I'm sorry. I've started a few posts, but haven't had enough emotional strength to finish them.I will work at them this week.  But tonight I really wanted to write. So here goes my Mother's Day post.

I am a sucker for handmade cards and coupon books, hand picked posies from outside, and breakfast in bed made by my sweeties. I savor it all. And I am one lucky Momma for getting it all today. This morning Joey and Ally brought me breakfast in bed (once I promised to go back to bed after I searched through garbage bags with gloves on because Ally had thought I had thrown away her Mother's Day gift to me when I emptied some stuff out of our van the other day.) Needless to say I didn't find it in the garbage. But by 8 am I had relived the last week of our garbage... oh so many memories... AND got the van cleaned out and even swept it out. So that's good. After all that, I found the bag sitting on the stairs. ;) Back to my day... my strawberry smoothie was super yummy. I got to play in Ally's garden with her and plant some flowers then she picked me some pretty pink and purple flowers and put them in a vase for me. And the ring holder that I looked for hours for... Ally had spent so much time picking it out for me and wrapping it up. And she had a homemade beaded bracelet she made for me draped over it. She explained the bracelet's meaning to me in her card. On the bracelet she had put an autism awareness charm on it to symbolize Vicki, emerald colored beads to symbolize Joey (his birthday is in May) and 'diamonds' on it to symbolize Ally (her birthday is in April). Joe and I bonded over some music. And he was a sweetheart and did some laundry for me. Daddy took us to the pet store and I got to pick out 3 new fish for our saltwater tank. Seriously, the BEST present ever! We named them Alex, Marty, and Melman. Oh, and we got a huge snail that we named Gloria. We went for a hike at a local Ford and then went out for a yummy dinner. I felt so pampered and so blessed to be able to celebrate today with my 3 babies who gave me the absolute best career in the world!

And let me tell you about Vicki. She made me a beautiful flower bouquet out of colored paper and pipe cleaners that she brought home from school. And the best part was that she colored fingernails on her hand-printed flowers. Red sparkles! Vicki had a so-so kind of day. It started out happy. She usually helps me make my smoothie in the am, but this morning I drank it before she got up. So she helped me make my coffee and a snack of oatmeal with blueberries and almond butter in it. :)  Vicki had also made a flower pot Mother's Day dessert for me (as did Ally. We have lots of yummy dessert here!) She loved putting gummy worms in the dirt. :)  Then we all sat down and watched the new Tinkerbell movie. She really liked it. After the movie, she started crying. And she had a really difficult couple of hours. Like I said in an earlier post, she's been talking a lot about her scar on her hand from a few years ago. She was very preoccupied with it this afternoon and was crying a lot and holding her hand. Finally I rubbed some scar cream on it and she let me massage and kiss her hand a little. It seemed to help some. She really enjoyed the hike and even though she had some behavioral difficulties getting into the restaurant tonight, she had a great time at dinner and loved her spaghetti and meatballs. And the restaurant gave Moms a free dessert tonight. Vicki was happy to take turns with Joey and Ally and Daddy and share my brownie and cookies and cream ice cream!

 I loved all of today. I will keep my memories and treasures near to my heart.

But let me tell you what I will remember most about today from Vicki.  I will remember how beautiful Vicki sounded when she said her prayers this morning. She recited the Our Father, the Hail Mary, the Glory Be and the Serenity Prayer. Her voice was so crisp and clear. She is my angel here on Earth.

I will remember what she said last night to me too, as we were discussing today's visual schedule. It was going to read, Mom. Take a shower. (Aide's Name). Medicine. Old Medicine. Breakfast. Working.... and so on. But as soon as I started telling her the schedule she looked up at me and said, "No. No (aide's name). Red pen. X. Red pen. Calendar. X. (I write Vicki's schedule on my wall calendar in red and when someone or something is cancelled, I put an X through it.). She kept repeating... 'No. Red pen. X. And then she looked at me and smiled and said, 'Mother's Day.' Mommy Day. Mommy.

That is literally one of the BEST things she has ever said to me. I know that she wanted to be with me on Mother's Day. Without a doubt. Of course, it could just be a way to get out of working, but that's ok with me too, as long as I am the reason. ;) So we cancelled her aide and just enjoyed the day together.

And that's just it with Vicki. Vicki reminds me everyday, not just on Mother's Day, that it's the moments that matter. That moment she said she wanted to X out the aide because it was Mother's Day and she wanted to spend it with me. She may not have said those words. But I know that's what she meant.  The little moments. Life is made up of little moments. And we need to celebrate them. Daily.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you beautiful mothers out there. I hope you were celebrated today. And that you had a chance to cherish your own little moments. xoxo

Day 18. Year 4.

Some days it hits me. Just how far Vicki has come. It was an amazingly beautiful Sunday yesterday. And we decided it was time for some yard work. For us, that's one of the things that's always been hard to do. It's really hard to try to do anything... even though I am a mom and I have eyes in the back of my head... I could never do a chore outside with Vicki. It took everything I had to keep her safe and doing something. Not to make this sound bad, but when Vicki is outside, it's never relaxing. It's like being on high alert all of the time. Never sure if she will pick up something off of the ground and put it in her mouth... etc... etc... The dangers are so many, I never even thought of half of them until Vicki would show me.

Anyway...  we had an aide yesterday for a while, which really helps. So I was able to go outside and start some work on the side yard with Joey and Ally even before Vicki came out. It was nice to get into a groove with the 2 of them. And to see them work together was such a nice treat. Ally has been working on making a garden spot for herself. We spent time raking leaves, turning over the soil and picking out rocks, cutting the grass, and installing a picket fence around her garden area. Joe put it in for her and Ally painted it. It was fun. And then Vicki came outside with her aide... she jumped on the trampoline and was so happy.

Later in the day, we came back outside, this time it was just my husband and I with Vicki and the other 2 kiddos. And it was just so... peaceful. That's not a word I typically use. :)  The nice breeze, the warm sun, Vicki swinging and laughing and smiling. It was just one of those moments that I want to tuck into my pocket and bring it out on a difficult, rainy day. Even though my husband and I still 'tag-teamed' with Vicki, we were both still able to do little things while we were watching her. We transplanted flowers, I raked and bagged more leaves. Vicki kept swinging and smiling and laughing. So often Vicki does't even want to go outside, and if she does come, she will just sit on the bench and stare off into space. I loved seeing how happy she was yesterday.

Lately Vicki has loved eating dinners outside. Some days she even requests 'white table'. She'll say 'white table outside. No brown table' (our kitchen table). She loves to just site outside on the porch and eat her dinner and just... relax. I really like that word. Relax. I think I may have done that for a few minutes outside yesterday. And that's pretty cool. :)

Sometimes it's just nice to reflect and be thankful. And that's what I'm doing today. xo