There are so many things I should be doing now instead of writing... sadly none of them include sleep right at this moment. But I can't seem to concentrate; and the keyboard has been calling. It's been quite a while since I wrote... I've been wanting to write an update and let you all know how Vicki's been doing. June. It was quite a month. Not necessarily a good one. Not necessarily a bad one. It's just been quite a month. But tonight I don't want to write about all of that. I will next time.... To sum it all up. Doctors, lots of them. Lots more to come. Answers, none. Not yet. Medicine, yes. Behaviors, oh my yes. Confusing, yes. Easier. Sometimes. Harder. Sometimes. Happy, yes. Sad, yes. Glimpses of Vicki. Absolutely! Supportive people. Oh yes! Couldn't survive without you. Prayers. Many. Thank you.
Now onto the reason I am writing tonight. Something happened today. And quite frankly I am still shaking a little bit. And not in a good way. Let me tell you what happened. With summer being here, Vicki's schedule has become very important to her again; it always is, but during the long days of summer Vicki really looks to her schedule to guide her through the ever changing days and routines, or lack thereof. Anyway, today part of her schedule said, 'potty, car, library, home.' And, trying to be positive about something today, Vicki has come a long way with the library. She is able to put her own library books in the return bin now and she is willing to let go of those cookbooks in lieu of new cookbooks. That used to be a huge issue. And now she does pretty well with it. As long as we get her some great new cookbooks with yummy looking pictures in them. :) She tells us how many new cookbooks she wants. And today she wanted 6. 6 new cookbooks. She was excited. She was able to transition through potty and car. And as all 3 of the kiddos are sitting in the van in our garage, yep, you guessed it.... I turned the key and 'tick, tick, tick, tick.' Seriously. Is the battery dead again? It wouldn't start. Now.... if you've read some of my recent posts, you may see a pattern with this. And you may ask yourself, why don't they take their van into the shop? Well, we did. Just last week. And the mechanics kept the van for 3 days and couldn't get it to drain and not start. And they couldn't find anything wrong at all. The battery was fine. Yet, here I sat today, with 3 excited kids in my van. And I got it to not start. :( Yay me. Now for Joey and Ally, this was merely a minor inconvenience. They got out of our red van and into Vicki's aide's silver car. The library was still going to happen. New books were still going to be gotten, we just traded cars, got into one that actually started when you turn the key. Cause and effect. You turn the key, you expect the effect to be that your car would start.
But for Vicki, this was not a minor inconvenience. It was a major catastrophe. We used her visual schedule. Told her the red van was broken. Again. First silver car, then library, then 6 new cookbooks. It all made sense. But not to Vicki. So after quite a while of trying many things to get Vicki out of our broken red van, we decided to let Joey and Ally go to the library with Vicki's aide. And I would stay with Vicki since she wouldn't get out of the van. We said goodbye. The silver car pulled away and went to the library. Sometimes there is no doubt in my mind that Vicki understands cause and effect. And Vicki knows exactly what is asked of her and what she will get in return if she complies. Not more than a minute after the silver car pulled away, Vicki jumped out of the red van and said library. Maybe I should have tried to call or text Vicki's aide and have her come back. But I didn't. That was the choice I made. I told Vicki no library.
And Vicki was mad. Really mad. I will spare you the details of how difficult the transition was back into our house. Vicki did go back into the living room and she sat on the couch with her schedule and her layse back cat. Yelling 'library' all the while. And then crying. And making me feel like shit. I thought it would take a while to calm her down and redirect her attention. But I wasn't ready for what she did. She sprang up from the couch, ran out to the door to the garage and opened it. (Our garage looks like an obstacle course right now... lots of things you have to wrangle around to get to the other side.) And she slide in between all of the obstacles with such ease. Like a downhill skier on a slalom course. Now I will tell you, Vicki is fast. Extremely fast. And unpredictable. And I know this. And I was not ready for this. And let me tell you something else. I am not fast. I am no slalom racer. I am only slightly faster than a turtle. My adrenalin was going strong. I caught up to Vicki right as she was opening the side garage door to run outside. She was screaming 'library, silver car'. And there is no doubt it my mind that if I hadn't caught her right there at the door, I would have had to activate Vicki's project lifesaver tracking device and see if it really did work. IF she would have gotten out that door, it's one of those things that you don't want to finish the sentence. At all. Because Vicki won't stop if you call her name. Vicki runs fast. Our road is a busy cut-through. She has no idea what traffic is. I know she doesn't know cause and effect of what could happen in that instance. Now these circumstances were not the same at all, but it took me back to when Vicki was 4 years old and the policeman brought her back in the police car with her ponytail bobbing after she got out of our house, and the very next day is when we got project lifesaver.
So, again, after getting Vicki back inside the house, you would think that I would be smarter. But no. Vicki is faster and smarter than I give her credit for. This time she threw the door open and tried another tactic. She pushed the garage door opener and the garage door started opening. I didn't even know Vicki knew the garage door opened that way. She's very observant. I should have known she knew. I was able to stop her before the garage door opened completely. And long story, well, long... I was able to calm her down and get her redirected. There were no more escape maneuvers today. But that doesn't mean that my heart isn't still racing, hours later. What if? What could have happened? I shouldn't have.... Why did I....
As parents I guess we can second guess our decisions all of the time. And if we could have moments back to redo differently.... I have found myself in so many new and different behavioral situations in the last 3 months. And I feel lost. But thank goodness Vicki is not lost, both figuratively and literally. Time and time again, though tough lessons for both me and Vicki to learn, I find myself learning so much more about Vicki's strength, again, both figuratively and literally, and mine. I am thankful for today, even though it scared the shit out of me. BeCAUSE I have Vicki, I am grateful. xoxo Thanks for listening! BeCAUSE now, I think I can go to sleep. xoxo
Friday, June 29, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Year 2. Plus 2.
Of course I had to write again tonight. The greatest thing about writing is that for me, personally, it is free therapy. :) I wonder how many hours of 'therapy' I have logged so far? See baby, I AM frugal!
Gosh, I feel like all I have been saying lately is 'today was rough'. So I think I'll try something different today. And here it goes... 'Today was really rough.' :(
Bleh.
One of the harder aspects of all of the recent changes in Vicki, for me, is the unpredictability. Yes, kids are unpredictable. No one ever really knows when something is going to happen. And Vicki has always been unpredictable. But now, it scares me. It scares me to the point of not wanting to do anything at all, not wanting to go out at all, not wanting to try activities at all. Not wanting to do the things we usually do. Because I just don't know. I am used to seeing some sort of sign from Vicki, something that clued me into being a minute or so from a major meltdown. Or certain things that would set her off or make her nervous. We can all see little things in our kids faces, things no one else sees. But not now. I can't see them with Vicki right now.
I hate the fact that I dread just about every task right now. Because I don't know how she will react. Will she skip around and sing? Or will she sit frozen, scared and screaming?
5 hours. That's how long it took for me to get Vicki out of the van this am after we dropped Joey off at school (3.5 hours for that) and then 2.5 hours to get her upstairs, showered, dressed and back downstairs eating breakfast at 2 pm. Wait. My math skills need work. That's 6 hours. ;) But, you see, it's everything. I feel like I have tried everything. I feel like I am racking my brain to try everything and anything. And the really hard part is that I don't know what I am fighting against. I don't know what is going on inside of Vicki. I don't know the function of any of the behaviors that she is having. And I don't have answers. Or clues. But I do still have hope and faith.
When I have days like today, well, I've never had a day like today... But when I have days when there are significant challenges... I always think to myself, I never appreciate enough everything that usually goes so smoothly. Like getting out of the van, like going to the potty, like taking medicine, like me combing her hair, like getting her dressed, like taking her to school, like being able to pick up my kids from school, like her picking up a Capri sun and drinking it..... It all just happens. But today it didn't.
Vicki didn't get out of the van, go potty, take medicine, comb hair , get dressed, go to school, drink her Capri sun. Well, she did eventually get out of the van, go potty, take her medicine, I combed her hair, got her dressed and helped her drink her Capri sun. But she never did make it to school. And I never did get to pick my other kids up from school, stupid dead battery in the van. Really?!?! Too long opening and closing the van doors and lights today, I guess...
Everyday I'm baffling. Yep. That's my new word of the day. Come on... Everyday I'm baffling... du-ta-du-da-ta-du-da... I don't know what I would do if I couldn't laugh at myself.
But seriously... I keep saying that Vicki wants to do whatever task it is. She really does. I can see it in her face. And she answered my questions this morning. But she couldn't move out of the van. What is stopping her? She gets rigid, I can't pry her legs out of criss cross applesauce style. I ask her what she wants to do. She tells me, 'Take a shower.' But then she can't get out of the van. What the heck is holding her back? Now, I could, if I really had to... muscle up and let adrenalin take over and get her out of the van. But that wouldn't help anything and I don't want to put her or myself at risk for injury.
Do you want to know what finally got her out of the car? I tried everything I could think of for 3.5 hours. And this is what worked. We had done a sticker puzzle in the van together. She loves puzzles and stickers, so she liked the activity a lot. Anyway, there was garbage from the stickers. And I crinkled up the piece of paper and sat it on the floor of the van. Vicki said to me, 'Mommy. Trash.' And then I said, 'No. Vicki. Trash.' and pointed to the garbage can inside. And she kept saying to me, 'Mommy trash. (No, I'm not!!! ha ha....) Mommy go. Mommy trash. Mommy walking. Mommy black trash (the trash can is black). So, on a whim I tossed the trash onto the garage floor outside of the van. And I walked away. Well, that really bothered Vicki. A lot. And finally she jumped out of the van, picked up the trash, sprinted inside and threw it in the black trash can. Success!!!!!!!!!!!! I blocked the door to the garage and praised the heck out of her. And then of course it took another half an hour to get her upstairs. But. Still. Celebrate. Celebrate it all. Because it is soooo worth celebrating!
And then tonight before bed she was skipping around and smiling. And at bedtime she serenaded me with one of her favorite songs, Rocket Man.
And all this science I don't understand...
Oh, no no no. I'm a rocket man.
Now I think it's gonna be a long long time...
And i think it's gonna be a long long time...
If you could tonight... just send Vicki a little bit of love.
Here's to hope for a skipping and singing Vicki in the morning.
Thanks again for listening. xoxo
Oh, and I am open for suggestions! Anything! Anything at all! We are tossing around a lot of stuff right now, waiting, testing, searching... I will keep you posted.
Gosh, I feel like all I have been saying lately is 'today was rough'. So I think I'll try something different today. And here it goes... 'Today was really rough.' :(
Bleh.
One of the harder aspects of all of the recent changes in Vicki, for me, is the unpredictability. Yes, kids are unpredictable. No one ever really knows when something is going to happen. And Vicki has always been unpredictable. But now, it scares me. It scares me to the point of not wanting to do anything at all, not wanting to go out at all, not wanting to try activities at all. Not wanting to do the things we usually do. Because I just don't know. I am used to seeing some sort of sign from Vicki, something that clued me into being a minute or so from a major meltdown. Or certain things that would set her off or make her nervous. We can all see little things in our kids faces, things no one else sees. But not now. I can't see them with Vicki right now.
I hate the fact that I dread just about every task right now. Because I don't know how she will react. Will she skip around and sing? Or will she sit frozen, scared and screaming?
5 hours. That's how long it took for me to get Vicki out of the van this am after we dropped Joey off at school (3.5 hours for that) and then 2.5 hours to get her upstairs, showered, dressed and back downstairs eating breakfast at 2 pm. Wait. My math skills need work. That's 6 hours. ;) But, you see, it's everything. I feel like I have tried everything. I feel like I am racking my brain to try everything and anything. And the really hard part is that I don't know what I am fighting against. I don't know what is going on inside of Vicki. I don't know the function of any of the behaviors that she is having. And I don't have answers. Or clues. But I do still have hope and faith.
When I have days like today, well, I've never had a day like today... But when I have days when there are significant challenges... I always think to myself, I never appreciate enough everything that usually goes so smoothly. Like getting out of the van, like going to the potty, like taking medicine, like me combing her hair, like getting her dressed, like taking her to school, like being able to pick up my kids from school, like her picking up a Capri sun and drinking it..... It all just happens. But today it didn't.
Vicki didn't get out of the van, go potty, take medicine, comb hair , get dressed, go to school, drink her Capri sun. Well, she did eventually get out of the van, go potty, take her medicine, I combed her hair, got her dressed and helped her drink her Capri sun. But she never did make it to school. And I never did get to pick my other kids up from school, stupid dead battery in the van. Really?!?! Too long opening and closing the van doors and lights today, I guess...
Everyday I'm baffling. Yep. That's my new word of the day. Come on... Everyday I'm baffling... du-ta-du-da-ta-du-da... I don't know what I would do if I couldn't laugh at myself.
But seriously... I keep saying that Vicki wants to do whatever task it is. She really does. I can see it in her face. And she answered my questions this morning. But she couldn't move out of the van. What is stopping her? She gets rigid, I can't pry her legs out of criss cross applesauce style. I ask her what she wants to do. She tells me, 'Take a shower.' But then she can't get out of the van. What the heck is holding her back? Now, I could, if I really had to... muscle up and let adrenalin take over and get her out of the van. But that wouldn't help anything and I don't want to put her or myself at risk for injury.
Do you want to know what finally got her out of the car? I tried everything I could think of for 3.5 hours. And this is what worked. We had done a sticker puzzle in the van together. She loves puzzles and stickers, so she liked the activity a lot. Anyway, there was garbage from the stickers. And I crinkled up the piece of paper and sat it on the floor of the van. Vicki said to me, 'Mommy. Trash.' And then I said, 'No. Vicki. Trash.' and pointed to the garbage can inside. And she kept saying to me, 'Mommy trash. (No, I'm not!!! ha ha....) Mommy go. Mommy trash. Mommy walking. Mommy black trash (the trash can is black). So, on a whim I tossed the trash onto the garage floor outside of the van. And I walked away. Well, that really bothered Vicki. A lot. And finally she jumped out of the van, picked up the trash, sprinted inside and threw it in the black trash can. Success!!!!!!!!!!!! I blocked the door to the garage and praised the heck out of her. And then of course it took another half an hour to get her upstairs. But. Still. Celebrate. Celebrate it all. Because it is soooo worth celebrating!
And then tonight before bed she was skipping around and smiling. And at bedtime she serenaded me with one of her favorite songs, Rocket Man.
And all this science I don't understand...
Oh, no no no. I'm a rocket man.
Now I think it's gonna be a long long time...
And i think it's gonna be a long long time...
If you could tonight... just send Vicki a little bit of love.
Here's to hope for a skipping and singing Vicki in the morning.
Thanks again for listening. xoxo
Oh, and I am open for suggestions! Anything! Anything at all! We are tossing around a lot of stuff right now, waiting, testing, searching... I will keep you posted.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Year 2. Plus 1.
I can't believe it's been 21 days since I last wrote. So many times in the last few weeks I have wanted to sit down and write. And for 21 days, I didn't. I don't know what made me tonight. No, that's a lie. I know exactly why I am writing tonight. Because I need to. Because I really, really needed to.
It's been a rough May. :( Every day is so different. Every day I get more and more confused. Vicki's behaviors mystify me. Scare me. Leave me heartbroken and crying. Leave me helpless and afraid. All I know for sure is I really just don't know. And quite frankly, it sucks. I feel like we are hanging in some odd kind of limbo. Not sure how to proceed. No one seems to have any answers.
So, this is very off the wall. But does anyone watch House? Besides the fact that I think I have a massive crush on either Gregory House or Hugh Laurie. I'm not sure which one. But I've watched House forever. Well, for 8 seasons to be exact. And tonight was the series finale. When House first came on the air, we were just diving into the world of autism, just dangling our feet in the water. Wading through the initial testing. How appropriate that tonight House ends. And I feel like we are back there again, wading through testing, different kinds now, but testing just the same. And now we are drowning in the world of autism. I can remember thinking, wow... I wish I could take Vicki into see Dr. House. He would solve the puzzle. He would find the answers we were looking for. And it would probably be sarcoidosis. :) It seems like every episode of House had one of the doctors saying sarcoidosis. :) And here I am tonight, wishing more than ever that I could take Vicki in to see
Dr. House. But I'm not sure if he could even solve the puzzle of what's been going on the past 7 weeks.
Tonight I didn't post to talk about all the the different things and behaviors that have been playing out like an episode of House. Maybe I will another day. And I didn't post to talk about all of the doctors and tests and hospital stay she has gone through the last few weeks. (I am still waiting on results for some stuff anyway... I will do a post soon, hopefully, on that...) I didn't post to talk about Vicki's recent birthday. I didn't post to talk about everything Joey and Ally have been going through the last few weeks watching what has been going on with Vicki.
No. I posted because I was heartbroken tonight. And I know it's a stupid thing to be heartbroken about. But, I am. I cried and cried and cried. Today was Vicki's last day at therapeutic horseback riding. For now.
For those of you who read my blog last year, you remember how much I used to post about horseback riding? Vicki loves horseback riding. She loves the horse she rides, Tiger Lily. She loves the barn. She loves the cats and dogs and chickens there. She loves giving Tiger Lily carrots. She loves wearing her pretty green riding boots and black velvet riding helmet. She loves going on little trail rides with Tiger Lily. And oh my gosh, she loves it when Tiger Lily runs. The smile on her face when she is on that horse and it is trotting fast. It takes my breath away. Vicki lights up. She loves going horseback riding. She loves her Mondays. (and last year it was Wednesdays). When she sees that horse visual on her schedule, she gets so excited. She always asks for 'piggy tails, Pochontas' on horseback riding days. (2 side braids).
I guess it's only been 2 years that she's been riding. But it seems like forever. And today, I made the decision to stop. For right now. I am going to keep saying 'for right now'. Because in my heart I know she will ride again. In my heart I know she will. I know she loves it. And it killed me today. We went to the barn and she couldn't even ride Tiger Lily. But I know she wanted to. But, along with so many other facets of her life right now, Vicki just couldn't. There is something stopping her. I don't know what it is. She wants to do it. She can pick her feet up to step up on the step ladder. I can't even explain it. Whatever is going on with Vicki, it's so hard to explain. And it's heartbreaking to watch. There is a hesitation in everything she is doing. Something is getting in her way. Even with people helping her, she couldn't get on the horse right. And even though this horse is an amazing, well trained animal, it is no longer safe to have Vicki on the horse. Vicki is too unpredictable. And I don't want Vicki to hate it. It has always been a place where she would go to smile. And now there is anxiety. There is anxiety with everything. I don't want it to be a fight. But Vicki is fighting. There is a war. And it is going on within Vicki. That's the best way for me to explain it. She wanted to ride so badly. I could see it on her face. I could hear it in her cries the whole way home. I know it's been getting harder and harder, and I just needed to see it for myself today (usually one of Vicki's therapists take her). And Vicki couldn't ride. It was horrible watching her struggle so much. I hated that it took 3 of us to get her back to the van. I hated that she kept screaming horseback riding, yes, Tiger Lily. It was raining the whole way home. Even Mother Nature knew.
It isn't just horseback riding. It's everything. It's eating. It's walking. It's talking. It's eating. (I said it again, because for those who know Vicki well, know that she loves eating. She loves all things food.) And it is horrible to dread meals with her. But I do. She can't even bring her fork to her mouth without someone hand-over-handing her hand and the fork. And when I say she can't, she can... she has the capability, the motor skills to perform the task, but she can't. And I don't know what to do. She can't transition well. She needs someone to touch her. She needs me. And I need to help her. And I just need someone to help solve this new set of puzzles so we can get our Vicki back.
Sorry this post is so heavy. And thank you for listening. I really appreciate it. I will post again when I know something. Well, maybe I should re-phrase that. I may never post again if I only post when I know something. :) I will keep questioning, keep searching, keep hoping. And I will let you know if I can get an appointment with Dr. House. :)
Just because I find it so hard to end on such a sad note, I want to tell you something. Joey made my night tonight. He is a smart kid. He knows when mommy is hurting. And tonight as the kids were playing in the room after their dinner (of soup and shrimp poppers), my husband and I had a late dinner at the table... I slaved over it for hours... I cut open the bag and warmed up a bag meal. :) Don't knock those bag meals though... they are yummy... and tonight was steak and portabello mushrooms and pasta. With leftover focaccia bread. And Joey comes out and lights a candle for us. And asks if there is anything he can do for us. And my husband said, 'serenade us with Belle Notte, from Lady and the Tramp'. And he runs out of the room, I thought it was because we asked him to sing, but he had gone in the other room to you tube it and play it for us. :) So in the midst of everything, there was a moment.
Side by side
with you're loved one
you'll find enchantment here
the night will weave its magic spell
when the one you love is near
Oh, this is the night
and the heavens are right
on this lovely Belle Notte
And with that one little gesture, Joey reminded me what it's all about. :) And as long as we all have each other, it really is a lovely night. It's all about a series of moments. It will all be ok. And Vicki will get back to horseback riding. I know she will. She's just (to coin a Ross phrase from Friends), 'on a break'. xoxo
It's been a rough May. :( Every day is so different. Every day I get more and more confused. Vicki's behaviors mystify me. Scare me. Leave me heartbroken and crying. Leave me helpless and afraid. All I know for sure is I really just don't know. And quite frankly, it sucks. I feel like we are hanging in some odd kind of limbo. Not sure how to proceed. No one seems to have any answers.
So, this is very off the wall. But does anyone watch House? Besides the fact that I think I have a massive crush on either Gregory House or Hugh Laurie. I'm not sure which one. But I've watched House forever. Well, for 8 seasons to be exact. And tonight was the series finale. When House first came on the air, we were just diving into the world of autism, just dangling our feet in the water. Wading through the initial testing. How appropriate that tonight House ends. And I feel like we are back there again, wading through testing, different kinds now, but testing just the same. And now we are drowning in the world of autism. I can remember thinking, wow... I wish I could take Vicki into see Dr. House. He would solve the puzzle. He would find the answers we were looking for. And it would probably be sarcoidosis. :) It seems like every episode of House had one of the doctors saying sarcoidosis. :) And here I am tonight, wishing more than ever that I could take Vicki in to see
Dr. House. But I'm not sure if he could even solve the puzzle of what's been going on the past 7 weeks.
Tonight I didn't post to talk about all the the different things and behaviors that have been playing out like an episode of House. Maybe I will another day. And I didn't post to talk about all of the doctors and tests and hospital stay she has gone through the last few weeks. (I am still waiting on results for some stuff anyway... I will do a post soon, hopefully, on that...) I didn't post to talk about Vicki's recent birthday. I didn't post to talk about everything Joey and Ally have been going through the last few weeks watching what has been going on with Vicki.
No. I posted because I was heartbroken tonight. And I know it's a stupid thing to be heartbroken about. But, I am. I cried and cried and cried. Today was Vicki's last day at therapeutic horseback riding. For now.
For those of you who read my blog last year, you remember how much I used to post about horseback riding? Vicki loves horseback riding. She loves the horse she rides, Tiger Lily. She loves the barn. She loves the cats and dogs and chickens there. She loves giving Tiger Lily carrots. She loves wearing her pretty green riding boots and black velvet riding helmet. She loves going on little trail rides with Tiger Lily. And oh my gosh, she loves it when Tiger Lily runs. The smile on her face when she is on that horse and it is trotting fast. It takes my breath away. Vicki lights up. She loves going horseback riding. She loves her Mondays. (and last year it was Wednesdays). When she sees that horse visual on her schedule, she gets so excited. She always asks for 'piggy tails, Pochontas' on horseback riding days. (2 side braids).
I guess it's only been 2 years that she's been riding. But it seems like forever. And today, I made the decision to stop. For right now. I am going to keep saying 'for right now'. Because in my heart I know she will ride again. In my heart I know she will. I know she loves it. And it killed me today. We went to the barn and she couldn't even ride Tiger Lily. But I know she wanted to. But, along with so many other facets of her life right now, Vicki just couldn't. There is something stopping her. I don't know what it is. She wants to do it. She can pick her feet up to step up on the step ladder. I can't even explain it. Whatever is going on with Vicki, it's so hard to explain. And it's heartbreaking to watch. There is a hesitation in everything she is doing. Something is getting in her way. Even with people helping her, she couldn't get on the horse right. And even though this horse is an amazing, well trained animal, it is no longer safe to have Vicki on the horse. Vicki is too unpredictable. And I don't want Vicki to hate it. It has always been a place where she would go to smile. And now there is anxiety. There is anxiety with everything. I don't want it to be a fight. But Vicki is fighting. There is a war. And it is going on within Vicki. That's the best way for me to explain it. She wanted to ride so badly. I could see it on her face. I could hear it in her cries the whole way home. I know it's been getting harder and harder, and I just needed to see it for myself today (usually one of Vicki's therapists take her). And Vicki couldn't ride. It was horrible watching her struggle so much. I hated that it took 3 of us to get her back to the van. I hated that she kept screaming horseback riding, yes, Tiger Lily. It was raining the whole way home. Even Mother Nature knew.
It isn't just horseback riding. It's everything. It's eating. It's walking. It's talking. It's eating. (I said it again, because for those who know Vicki well, know that she loves eating. She loves all things food.) And it is horrible to dread meals with her. But I do. She can't even bring her fork to her mouth without someone hand-over-handing her hand and the fork. And when I say she can't, she can... she has the capability, the motor skills to perform the task, but she can't. And I don't know what to do. She can't transition well. She needs someone to touch her. She needs me. And I need to help her. And I just need someone to help solve this new set of puzzles so we can get our Vicki back.
Sorry this post is so heavy. And thank you for listening. I really appreciate it. I will post again when I know something. Well, maybe I should re-phrase that. I may never post again if I only post when I know something. :) I will keep questioning, keep searching, keep hoping. And I will let you know if I can get an appointment with Dr. House. :)
Just because I find it so hard to end on such a sad note, I want to tell you something. Joey made my night tonight. He is a smart kid. He knows when mommy is hurting. And tonight as the kids were playing in the room after their dinner (of soup and shrimp poppers), my husband and I had a late dinner at the table... I slaved over it for hours... I cut open the bag and warmed up a bag meal. :) Don't knock those bag meals though... they are yummy... and tonight was steak and portabello mushrooms and pasta. With leftover focaccia bread. And Joey comes out and lights a candle for us. And asks if there is anything he can do for us. And my husband said, 'serenade us with Belle Notte, from Lady and the Tramp'. And he runs out of the room, I thought it was because we asked him to sing, but he had gone in the other room to you tube it and play it for us. :) So in the midst of everything, there was a moment.
Side by side
with you're loved one
you'll find enchantment here
the night will weave its magic spell
when the one you love is near
Oh, this is the night
and the heavens are right
on this lovely Belle Notte
And with that one little gesture, Joey reminded me what it's all about. :) And as long as we all have each other, it really is a lovely night. It's all about a series of moments. It will all be ok. And Vicki will get back to horseback riding. I know she will. She's just (to coin a Ross phrase from Friends), 'on a break'. xoxo
Monday, April 30, 2012
Day 30. Year 2.
30 days.
720 hours.
43,200 minutes.
2,592,000 seconds.
2,592,000 seconds of our lives that I tried to share with you as honestly as I could. From my heart. This is our autism. This is our story. This is our life. It doesn't stop after the 30 days is up. It will go on and on and on. It with go up and down and up and down and hopefully up again. It will hold joy and pain, hey... sunshine and rain. Yeah. Joy Pump it up. Pump it up. and pain Keep it goin' keep it goin'. Like sunshine What else? What else? and rain. Come on, come on. Here we go.
Wow. Yep- Comin' right at 'cha! It's DJ rappin' Rose. :) Maybe that's what I'll do to fill up my time for the next 30 days. Or, maybe not. Now, don't lie... you want to go pull out your old cassette tape and turn that song up right now, don't you? Or is it just me? :P
And, tell me, did anyone else out there really want some Lucky Charms for breakfast this morning? I know I did.
I hope you have enjoyed reading. I know that I have really enjoyed writing. I started out on April 1st thinking my blog could possibly shed some light into the day to day struggles of one child, one family, with autism. I was hoping to help others learn, understand, and think about autism as we see it, not just as it is perceived. And in the process, I have helped myself to learn, understand, and think about autism in ways that I never had before. I have laughed and cried, been terrified and amazed. Time flew yet time crawled. I am sad to see these 30 days end, yet relieved too, because they have been some of the hardest days I've experienced.
Today was better. It really was. And tomorrow... tomorrow is limitless. And I am excited to see what tomorrow holds... We got a few of the tests and doctors scheduled and we will be wading through it all, holding onto each other for support. I will be writing updates periodically. So, please, please check back or 'follow' my blog. I have truly appreciated all of your support. I could not have made it through this month without it and without you. xoxo
And I thought if I put this out there, out here, on my blog, then maybe I will do it and follow thru... I started writing 2 different books a few years ago. I'm going to revisit them, I think. And really try. Because for me, writing is such a release. And I hope what I've written has touched something within each of you... just a little bit. That's all I want.
I thought I would leave you with a song... of course, right? My beautiful Vicki... she sang again tonight. It's been a while. Such sweet music to my ears... and she was singing a piece of a verse from this (kinda sums it all up, huh?).
I throw my hands up in the air sometimes
Saying A-YO!
Gotta let go!
I wanna celebrate and live my life
Saying A-YO!
Baby, let's go!
I'm gonna take it all like, I
I'm gonna be the last one standing,
I'm alone and all I
I'm gonna be the last one landing
'Cause I, I, I Believe it
And I, I, I
I just want it all, I just want it all
I'm gonna put my hands in the air
Hands in the air
Put your hands in the air!!!!!!
Put your hands in the air. Celebrate and live your life. Until next April my friends... *well, until I post an update anyway. Thanks for taking this journey with me. Love, Rosezella
720 hours.
43,200 minutes.
2,592,000 seconds.
2,592,000 seconds of our lives that I tried to share with you as honestly as I could. From my heart. This is our autism. This is our story. This is our life. It doesn't stop after the 30 days is up. It will go on and on and on. It with go up and down and up and down and hopefully up again. It will hold joy and pain, hey... sunshine and rain. Yeah. Joy Pump it up. Pump it up. and pain Keep it goin' keep it goin'. Like sunshine What else? What else? and rain. Come on, come on. Here we go.
Wow. Yep- Comin' right at 'cha! It's DJ rappin' Rose. :) Maybe that's what I'll do to fill up my time for the next 30 days. Or, maybe not. Now, don't lie... you want to go pull out your old cassette tape and turn that song up right now, don't you? Or is it just me? :P
And, tell me, did anyone else out there really want some Lucky Charms for breakfast this morning? I know I did.
I hope you have enjoyed reading. I know that I have really enjoyed writing. I started out on April 1st thinking my blog could possibly shed some light into the day to day struggles of one child, one family, with autism. I was hoping to help others learn, understand, and think about autism as we see it, not just as it is perceived. And in the process, I have helped myself to learn, understand, and think about autism in ways that I never had before. I have laughed and cried, been terrified and amazed. Time flew yet time crawled. I am sad to see these 30 days end, yet relieved too, because they have been some of the hardest days I've experienced.
Today was better. It really was. And tomorrow... tomorrow is limitless. And I am excited to see what tomorrow holds... We got a few of the tests and doctors scheduled and we will be wading through it all, holding onto each other for support. I will be writing updates periodically. So, please, please check back or 'follow' my blog. I have truly appreciated all of your support. I could not have made it through this month without it and without you. xoxo
And I thought if I put this out there, out here, on my blog, then maybe I will do it and follow thru... I started writing 2 different books a few years ago. I'm going to revisit them, I think. And really try. Because for me, writing is such a release. And I hope what I've written has touched something within each of you... just a little bit. That's all I want.
I thought I would leave you with a song... of course, right? My beautiful Vicki... she sang again tonight. It's been a while. Such sweet music to my ears... and she was singing a piece of a verse from this (kinda sums it all up, huh?).
I throw my hands up in the air sometimes
Saying A-YO!
Gotta let go!
I wanna celebrate and live my life
Saying A-YO!
Baby, let's go!
I'm gonna take it all like, I
I'm gonna be the last one standing,
I'm alone and all I
I'm gonna be the last one landing
'Cause I, I, I Believe it
And I, I, I
I just want it all, I just want it all
I'm gonna put my hands in the air
Hands in the air
Put your hands in the air!!!!!!
Put your hands in the air. Celebrate and live your life. Until next April my friends... *well, until I post an update anyway. Thanks for taking this journey with me. Love, Rosezella
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Day 29. Year 2.
I am FINALLY starting to feel better. It's crappy when you feel so crappy and sad. I really don't like it. I like glitter and unicorns and hearts and flowers. Oh and rainbows. I love rainbows. And sometimes when things aren't magically delicious, YOU have to make them magically delicious yourself. (Please, someone... get the Lucky Charms reference!) So I am trying. And not too bad of an effort today, I must say.
Breakfast. It's what's for dinner. How can anything bring you down after that? :) If something does, then you haven't experienced OUR breakfast for dinner. It's magically delicious! Chocolate chip pancakes with all the bells and whistles - you know, the spray redi-whip on top! Bacon. Bacon. Oh, and more bacon. Fried on the stove. :) I didn't say it was the healthiest of dinners... I only said it was magically delicious. We all needed a dinner like that tonight after this past week.
And we needed time as a family today. It was an amazingly beautiful spring Sunday here in VA... perfect for a Sunday drive (yes, we must be getting old... we love our Sunday drives!) and a mountain hike. We saw 4 deer, 3 big birds, 2 turtles (no, just kidding...no turtles, but I was feeling the song...) and a lizard that the kids wanted to take home. (That would be a big NO!) I would never have attempted a drive or a hike like this without my husband. We have not been very successful at Vicki's after school walks as of late. With all of the odd behaviors and refusals... the last thing I wanted to do was get stuck 2 miles into the woods with Vicki deciding to drop on the ground and not go any further. Thankfully, though, that didn't happen! She seemed ready for today too.
Let me tell you about some of my glitter moments today, some of my magically delicious rainbows... holding hands with my son in a beautiful mountain forest just listening to the silence. No screaming or yelling or fighting. Just our feet rustling through the leaves, and occasionally tripping over a rock or a root. :) .... giggling uncontrollably with Ally tonight at bedtime... for no particular reason. I think it was just to giggle. And giggling with your 7 year old who just lost her other front tooth and now has a toothless grin... it's the best. :) OK, and now a magically delicious moment with Vicki... just watching her plop down on a tree stump seat during our hike and laughing when Daddy opened up a carbonated water and it sprayed all over everyone. I saw moments of my Vicki today. My Vicki with the dancing eyes. My Vicki with the dazzling smile.
Maybe I am just adjusting to all of the recent (hopefully VERY temporary) changes. Maybe it's because I get to call and schedule all of the appointments tomorrow that the neurologist wanted us to have. Maybe it's because I have talked endlessly with our behaviorist and Vicki's teachers and Vicki's therapists and aides... and I feel a little more armed for battle against those dragons. And Vicki seemed a little better today. Yes, a lot of the same behaviors and yelling and crying and challenges were still there. But I felt a little stronger today, a little bit more confident. Just a little. But even just a little bit is good.
And when we were on our mountain hike today, I saw another family. A mom and dad and sister and brother. And the mom and dad were holding the young boy's hands. And he was struggling with something. And I could feel their pain. But I could also feel their hope. They were out there just like we were today, enjoying this day, this day the Lord made... and we were glad and rejoicing.
Everyone. Everyone has a story. I just read a story in the paper about a young boy who had autism, who was about a year older than my Vicki. Who got out of his house and wandered into an area of water. And God wanted him back. This is not my story to tell or to write. But this story made me think. It made me pray. It made me fearful. It made me grateful. Even though we are struggling with things right now, it will all be ok. I know it will. I have my beautiful Vicki. I kissed her goodnight tonight and she smiled at me. That's pretty magically delicious.
I couldn't believe it, you took my heart
I couldn't retrieve it, said to myself
What's it all about
Now I know there can be no doubt
You can do magic
You can have anything that you desire
I hope that your day is filled with the magic that you make of it. xoxo
Breakfast. It's what's for dinner. How can anything bring you down after that? :) If something does, then you haven't experienced OUR breakfast for dinner. It's magically delicious! Chocolate chip pancakes with all the bells and whistles - you know, the spray redi-whip on top! Bacon. Bacon. Oh, and more bacon. Fried on the stove. :) I didn't say it was the healthiest of dinners... I only said it was magically delicious. We all needed a dinner like that tonight after this past week.
And we needed time as a family today. It was an amazingly beautiful spring Sunday here in VA... perfect for a Sunday drive (yes, we must be getting old... we love our Sunday drives!) and a mountain hike. We saw 4 deer, 3 big birds, 2 turtles (no, just kidding...no turtles, but I was feeling the song...) and a lizard that the kids wanted to take home. (That would be a big NO!) I would never have attempted a drive or a hike like this without my husband. We have not been very successful at Vicki's after school walks as of late. With all of the odd behaviors and refusals... the last thing I wanted to do was get stuck 2 miles into the woods with Vicki deciding to drop on the ground and not go any further. Thankfully, though, that didn't happen! She seemed ready for today too.
Let me tell you about some of my glitter moments today, some of my magically delicious rainbows... holding hands with my son in a beautiful mountain forest just listening to the silence. No screaming or yelling or fighting. Just our feet rustling through the leaves, and occasionally tripping over a rock or a root. :) .... giggling uncontrollably with Ally tonight at bedtime... for no particular reason. I think it was just to giggle. And giggling with your 7 year old who just lost her other front tooth and now has a toothless grin... it's the best. :) OK, and now a magically delicious moment with Vicki... just watching her plop down on a tree stump seat during our hike and laughing when Daddy opened up a carbonated water and it sprayed all over everyone. I saw moments of my Vicki today. My Vicki with the dancing eyes. My Vicki with the dazzling smile.
Maybe I am just adjusting to all of the recent (hopefully VERY temporary) changes. Maybe it's because I get to call and schedule all of the appointments tomorrow that the neurologist wanted us to have. Maybe it's because I have talked endlessly with our behaviorist and Vicki's teachers and Vicki's therapists and aides... and I feel a little more armed for battle against those dragons. And Vicki seemed a little better today. Yes, a lot of the same behaviors and yelling and crying and challenges were still there. But I felt a little stronger today, a little bit more confident. Just a little. But even just a little bit is good.
And when we were on our mountain hike today, I saw another family. A mom and dad and sister and brother. And the mom and dad were holding the young boy's hands. And he was struggling with something. And I could feel their pain. But I could also feel their hope. They were out there just like we were today, enjoying this day, this day the Lord made... and we were glad and rejoicing.
Everyone. Everyone has a story. I just read a story in the paper about a young boy who had autism, who was about a year older than my Vicki. Who got out of his house and wandered into an area of water. And God wanted him back. This is not my story to tell or to write. But this story made me think. It made me pray. It made me fearful. It made me grateful. Even though we are struggling with things right now, it will all be ok. I know it will. I have my beautiful Vicki. I kissed her goodnight tonight and she smiled at me. That's pretty magically delicious.
I couldn't believe it, you took my heart
I couldn't retrieve it, said to myself
What's it all about
Now I know there can be no doubt
You can do magic
You can have anything that you desire
I hope that your day is filled with the magic that you make of it. xoxo
Day 28. Year 2.
Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird
Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird
And if that mockingbird won't sing,
Papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring
Papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring
And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Papa's gonna buy you a looking glass
What made me think of this lullaby tonight? A few things really. First thing: Ally was being super sweet tonight. She may only be 7, but she knows when Mommy is struggling. And right before bed she gave me a little card and present she wrapped up for me. It was one of those stick on jewels that looks like a diamond. About 2 years ago my diamond from my wedding ring, prongs and all, must have gotten snagged on something, and totally pulled off my band. I was heartbroken over it and never did find it, and never did get it replaced. And Ally said that she thought having a new diamond to put in my ring would cheer me up and look pretty. :) Awww....
And second thing: with everything that's been going on with Vicki, I feel like we have reversed time, rewound the clock, and are experiencing her autism diagnosis all over again. And all I want to do is hold her and sing to her and stroke her hair. So many times in the last week or so I have found myself questioning my judgement and feeling insecure, not knowing what to do. Like I don't have 9 years of autism under my belt. It's not like we've never taken Vicki to doctors and gone through testing and looked into different treatment options. I've been going through her medical binders and history and results of previous testing. It's not like we haven't tried and continue to use many different therapies and techniques. It's not like I have never seen behaviors before and looked at the antecedent, the behavior and the consequence. It's not like I've never heard about positive reinforcement. It's not like we haven't used visuals, timers, first/then boards.... We have done all of that and more. And yet here I sit tonight with pages and pages of notes from recent weeks. I have more questions than answers and I have no idea what to do next. Yes, we have many different tests and procedures to schedule for Vicki in the upcoming weeks and months. But what do I do in the interim? How do we get through each day? Everything Vicki does seems different and I am baffled. I don't know if what I am doing is right. I don't know how to help her. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to act. And I am scared.
I am scared. I am scared because there are so many things that I can't explain. I am scared because I am afraid to be alone with Vicki. Because what if something happens and I can't get her to go from point A to point B? I am afraid I can't take care of my kids by myself. I feel like I need to many people right now. What if I can't get Vicki out of the van? What if I can't get her out of the bathtub? What if? What if? What if I go to Joey's soccer practice and she throws herself on the ground and I can't get her up?
One thing that I hope I have never done is isolate Vicki. Isolate Vicki from school activities, isolate Vicki from extracurricular activities, isolate Vicki from people. Because autism, in itself, is isolating enough. We've always done things as a family. Always. Vicki has always loved being out, going to new places, going out to dinner. And now. Now it's hard. And now I don't want to go out. I am afraid to go out. It's easier not to go out, not to try. Because what if? What if? Last week Vicki didn't go to dance class and I didn't take Vicki to a school board meeting where they were going to recognize her as a Special Olympic athlete. This morning Joey had a soccer game at one field and Ally had a soccer game at another field at the same time. And neither Mark nor I had enough in us to take Vicki. So we let her sleep in and had an aide come up to be at the house with her. Vicki was happy, she had Layse Black Cat, and she loves pulling the covers up over her head on a cold and gray morning, just like a teenager. But I hated myself for letting her. I hated myself for going to Ally's soccer game and enjoying myself. I hated how easy it was. I hated feeling relief. I hated leaving Vicki.
But I know Joey and Ally needed us today too. If I am having this much trouble, I can't imagine what the two of them must feel. They see Vicki struggling. They hear Vicki crying and crying and crying for hours. They know that something's wrong. And they are so wonderful and supportive of Vicki. We needed this morning. And we needed today as a family. We all played pictionary together this afternoon and laughed. We needed that. Vicki sat at the table with us too. Even though she lined up her rainbow play-d'oh and made a rainbow sundae over and over and over again. She was still there with us. And we all watched Pirates of the Caribbean tonight together. And when I asked Vicki what a pirate says, she said, 'Arggghhh...' And the kids laughed and smiled. And Vicki loved on her Layse Black Cat today. She wrapped it in a blanket, put a crown on it's head and gave it a bottle. I will celebrate that. Most definitely. I will celebrate.
And if that looking glass gets broke, hell yeah, I will buy her a billy goat. I will do whatever it takes.
xoxo
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Day 27. Year 2.
I am ready to go on a quest. I am ready to slay some dragons. I am ready to rescue my princess. But damn... today of all days, why did we have to lose Vicki's trusty steed, Layse Black Cat?
Today was the day. A new journey. A new start. It's time to find some answers. Now.
I am humbled by so many of you who have selflessly committed to going on this quest with us. Who have provided us with shields and weapons and shelter and hope. It means everything to us. When I just don't feel strong enough to continue, when the obstacles seem to halt our progress, you are there.
Vicki's neurology appointment. I put so much stock into it to help us begin to find some answers. And although I am not looking forward to this journey, I know it is necessary.
I was relieved to see that the neurologist didn't just dismiss us and think we were crazy. Vicki is tricky. (Hey... that rhymes!) And even the professionals are confused. There was definitely enough there to warrant a deeper look. And that's all I wanted. I knew that we wouldn't come out from Vicki's neurology appointment and magically find what we were looking for. There is no magic potion. I wish there were. But, there are lots and lots of tests in Vicki's future. :( Even though it will suck, even though it will be a difficult few weeks and months, I am looking forward to it. Well, kind of. So here we go. Let's get them scheduled. 24 hour EEG. Sedated MRI. Geneticist. Blood work. Labs. Psych/Neuro/Behavioral clinic. I am ready to help Vicki slay the dragons, one at a time.
I don't want to go into much detail on the dragons we faced today. I am emotionally drained. Today sucked. A lot. Vicki was actually pretty good during her neurology appointment (of course, right? when you want to see behaviors and stuff...!) But like I said, the neurologist got enough to move forward. But the rest of the day. I have been trying to video some things so I can show the doctors. And Vicki gave me plenty to video today. :( Hours and hours of crying. And all the while she was crying she was wailing, 'I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.' I felt like my heart was being wrung out. I have had a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat all day. Have you ever watched The Princess Bride? 'That is the sound of ultimate suffering'. That's what Vicki's cry sounded like to me today. It was everything. From putting her glasses on to eating her rice at dinner. From putting her shoes on to walking down the stairs. And then, of course, when the neurologist asked Vicki to walk for her, Vicki skipped down the hall to her daddy. Really Vicki?!?! I would appreciate it if you played along! :) It was just me and Vicki driving up to pick Daddy up from work today before the appointment. And I have to say, it was one of the hardest rides of my life. She just kept screaming. And crying. And saying, 'I'm so sorry.' And then at one point I looked back and the look on her face was so frightening. It was such a wild fear. I can't even describe it. And I never ever want to see it on her face again. I worry that I am not strong enough for this. But I know I have to be. For Vicki.
And then we have mine and Vicki's knight in shining armor. Our hero. Daddy. He drove back up to the neurologist's office tonight to look for Vicki's royal steed and loyal friend, Layse Black Cat. (It's amazing to me really... that Vicki has had Layse Black Cat for quite a while and twice within this last month we have almost lost her.) My head must not have been in the game today. Vicki had Layse in the doctor's office. And then when we got home, she didn't. And it is amazing how losing Layse sent me over the edge. I was teetering on it anyway. I blamed myself. I cried for Vicki. It's a stuffed animal. I know. I don't think I was really crying for Layse, but for all Layse represented. And for Vicki. So in rides our knight in shining armor who has rescued Layse, and in turn has rescued me, and has rescued Vicki. And I am forever grateful. For everything.
I really am grateful. After all of the crying and all of the yelling and all of the emotions today, at the end of the day it was just me and Vicki in her room. And she held up her hand to my hand, and she laced her fingers through mine. And she squeezed. And she held our hands together over her heart. And she looked at me. And even though it is bad now, I know we will slay those dragons together, overcome the obstacles, and find what we are looking for. Together.
Today was the day. A new journey. A new start. It's time to find some answers. Now.
I am humbled by so many of you who have selflessly committed to going on this quest with us. Who have provided us with shields and weapons and shelter and hope. It means everything to us. When I just don't feel strong enough to continue, when the obstacles seem to halt our progress, you are there.
Vicki's neurology appointment. I put so much stock into it to help us begin to find some answers. And although I am not looking forward to this journey, I know it is necessary.
I was relieved to see that the neurologist didn't just dismiss us and think we were crazy. Vicki is tricky. (Hey... that rhymes!) And even the professionals are confused. There was definitely enough there to warrant a deeper look. And that's all I wanted. I knew that we wouldn't come out from Vicki's neurology appointment and magically find what we were looking for. There is no magic potion. I wish there were. But, there are lots and lots of tests in Vicki's future. :( Even though it will suck, even though it will be a difficult few weeks and months, I am looking forward to it. Well, kind of. So here we go. Let's get them scheduled. 24 hour EEG. Sedated MRI. Geneticist. Blood work. Labs. Psych/Neuro/Behavioral clinic. I am ready to help Vicki slay the dragons, one at a time.
I don't want to go into much detail on the dragons we faced today. I am emotionally drained. Today sucked. A lot. Vicki was actually pretty good during her neurology appointment (of course, right? when you want to see behaviors and stuff...!) But like I said, the neurologist got enough to move forward. But the rest of the day. I have been trying to video some things so I can show the doctors. And Vicki gave me plenty to video today. :( Hours and hours of crying. And all the while she was crying she was wailing, 'I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.' I felt like my heart was being wrung out. I have had a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat all day. Have you ever watched The Princess Bride? 'That is the sound of ultimate suffering'. That's what Vicki's cry sounded like to me today. It was everything. From putting her glasses on to eating her rice at dinner. From putting her shoes on to walking down the stairs. And then, of course, when the neurologist asked Vicki to walk for her, Vicki skipped down the hall to her daddy. Really Vicki?!?! I would appreciate it if you played along! :) It was just me and Vicki driving up to pick Daddy up from work today before the appointment. And I have to say, it was one of the hardest rides of my life. She just kept screaming. And crying. And saying, 'I'm so sorry.' And then at one point I looked back and the look on her face was so frightening. It was such a wild fear. I can't even describe it. And I never ever want to see it on her face again. I worry that I am not strong enough for this. But I know I have to be. For Vicki.
And then we have mine and Vicki's knight in shining armor. Our hero. Daddy. He drove back up to the neurologist's office tonight to look for Vicki's royal steed and loyal friend, Layse Black Cat. (It's amazing to me really... that Vicki has had Layse Black Cat for quite a while and twice within this last month we have almost lost her.) My head must not have been in the game today. Vicki had Layse in the doctor's office. And then when we got home, she didn't. And it is amazing how losing Layse sent me over the edge. I was teetering on it anyway. I blamed myself. I cried for Vicki. It's a stuffed animal. I know. I don't think I was really crying for Layse, but for all Layse represented. And for Vicki. So in rides our knight in shining armor who has rescued Layse, and in turn has rescued me, and has rescued Vicki. And I am forever grateful. For everything.
I really am grateful. After all of the crying and all of the yelling and all of the emotions today, at the end of the day it was just me and Vicki in her room. And she held up her hand to my hand, and she laced her fingers through mine. And she squeezed. And she held our hands together over her heart. And she looked at me. And even though it is bad now, I know we will slay those dragons together, overcome the obstacles, and find what we are looking for. Together.
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