Friday, June 29, 2012

Year 2. Plus 3.

There are so many things I should be doing now instead of writing... sadly none of them include sleep right at this moment. But I can't seem to concentrate; and the keyboard has been calling. It's been quite a while since I wrote... I've been wanting to write an update and let you all know how Vicki's been doing. June. It was quite a month. Not necessarily a good one. Not necessarily a bad one. It's just been quite a month. But tonight I don't want to write about all of that. I will next time.... To sum it all up. Doctors, lots of them. Lots more to come.  Answers, none. Not yet. Medicine, yes. Behaviors, oh my yes. Confusing, yes. Easier. Sometimes. Harder. Sometimes. Happy, yes. Sad, yes. Glimpses of Vicki. Absolutely! Supportive people. Oh yes! Couldn't survive without you. Prayers. Many. Thank you.

Now onto the reason I am writing tonight. Something happened today. And quite frankly I am still shaking a little bit. And not in a good way. Let me tell you what happened. With summer being here, Vicki's schedule has become very important to her again; it always is, but during the long days of summer Vicki really looks to her schedule to guide her through the ever changing days and routines, or lack thereof. Anyway, today part of her schedule said, 'potty, car, library, home.' And, trying to be positive about something today, Vicki has come a long way with the library. She is able to put her own library books in the return bin now and she is willing to let go of those cookbooks in lieu of new cookbooks. That used to be a huge issue. And now she does pretty well with it. As long as we get her some great new cookbooks with yummy looking pictures in them. :) She tells us how many new cookbooks she wants. And today she wanted 6. 6 new cookbooks. She was excited. She was able to transition through potty and car. And as all 3 of the kiddos are sitting in the van in our garage, yep, you guessed it.... I turned the key and 'tick, tick, tick, tick.' Seriously. Is the battery dead again? It wouldn't start. Now.... if you've read some of my recent posts, you may see a pattern with this. And you may ask yourself, why don't they take their van into the shop? Well, we did. Just last week. And the mechanics kept the van for 3 days and couldn't get it to drain and not start. And they couldn't find anything wrong at all. The battery was fine. Yet, here I sat today, with 3 excited kids in my van. And I got it to not start. :(  Yay me. Now for Joey and Ally, this was merely a minor inconvenience. They got out of our red van and into Vicki's aide's silver car. The library was still going to happen. New books were still going to be gotten, we just traded cars, got into one that actually started when you turn the key. Cause and effect. You turn the key, you expect the effect to be that your car would start.

But for Vicki, this was not a minor inconvenience. It was a major catastrophe. We used her visual schedule. Told her the red van was broken. Again. First silver car, then library, then 6 new cookbooks. It all made sense. But not to Vicki. So after quite a while of trying many things to get Vicki out of our  broken red van, we decided to let Joey and Ally go to the library with Vicki's aide. And I would stay with Vicki since she wouldn't get out of the van. We said goodbye. The silver car pulled away and went to the library. Sometimes there is no doubt in my mind that Vicki understands cause and effect. And Vicki knows exactly what is asked of her and what she will get in return if she complies. Not more than a minute after the silver car pulled away, Vicki jumped out of the red van and said library. Maybe I should have tried to call or text Vicki's aide and have her come back. But I didn't. That was the choice I made. I told Vicki no library.

And Vicki was mad. Really mad. I will spare you the details of how difficult the transition was back into our house. Vicki did go back into the living room and she sat on the couch with her schedule and her layse back cat. Yelling 'library' all the while. And then crying. And making me feel like shit. I thought it would take a while to calm her down and redirect her attention. But I wasn't ready for what she did. She sprang up from the couch, ran out to the door to the garage and opened it. (Our garage looks like an obstacle course right now... lots of things you have to wrangle around to get to the other side.) And she slide in between all of the obstacles with such ease. Like a downhill skier on a slalom course. Now I will tell you, Vicki is fast. Extremely fast. And unpredictable. And I know this. And I was not ready for this. And let me tell you something else. I am not fast. I am no slalom racer. I am only slightly faster than a turtle. My adrenalin was going strong. I caught up to Vicki right as she was opening the side garage door to run outside. She was screaming 'library, silver car'. And there is no doubt it my mind that if I hadn't caught her right there at the door, I would have had to activate Vicki's project lifesaver tracking device and see if it really did work. IF she would have gotten out that door, it's one of those things that you don't want to finish the sentence. At all. Because Vicki won't stop if you call her name. Vicki runs fast. Our road is a busy cut-through. She has no idea what traffic is. I know she doesn't know cause and effect of what could happen in that instance. Now these circumstances were not the same at all, but it took me back to when Vicki was 4 years old and the policeman brought her back in the police car with her ponytail bobbing after she got out of our house, and the very next day is when we got project lifesaver.

So, again, after getting Vicki back inside the house, you would think that I would be smarter. But no. Vicki is faster and smarter than I give her credit for. This time she threw the door open and tried another tactic. She pushed the garage door opener and the garage door started opening. I didn't even know Vicki knew the garage door opened that way. She's very observant. I should have known she knew. I was able to stop her before the garage door opened completely. And long story, well, long... I was able to calm her down and get her redirected. There were no more escape maneuvers today. But that doesn't mean that my heart isn't still racing, hours later. What if? What could have happened? I shouldn't have.... Why did I....

As parents I guess we can second guess our decisions all of the time. And if we could have moments back to redo differently.... I have found myself in so many new and different behavioral situations in the last 3 months. And I feel lost. But thank goodness Vicki is not lost, both figuratively and literally. Time and time again, though tough lessons for both me and Vicki to learn, I find myself learning so much more about Vicki's strength, again, both figuratively and literally, and mine. I am thankful for today, even though it scared the shit out of me. BeCAUSE I have Vicki, I am grateful. xoxo Thanks for listening! BeCAUSE now, I think I can go to sleep. xoxo